BED BATH AND BEYOND—Ithaca’s own Bed Bath & Beyond was struck this past week by a new, never-before-seen curse from the heavens above. This eleventh plague wreaked havoc on the aisles dedicated to command strips as well as their off-brand alternatives.
“It was horrifying, I’d never seen anything like it,” said Cashier Josephine Selter “So loud, so frenetic. But as quick as it began, it was over. All that remained were the tattered remains of 20% coupons blowing through the empty aisles.”
Alastor Odobe ’23 arrived at the home goods store long after the plague had hit. “All my friends had decorated their rooms, so I figured that I should, like, put up a poster or something. But bro, like, all the command strips were sold out. It’s chill, though” Odobe added, “I’ll just order some on Amazon, and maybe I’ll like get a sick poster of Megan Fox while I’m at it.”
There were some notable survivors of the chaos; miraculously, the $20 chrome plated command hooks remained unscathed.