WARREN HALL—In a last ditch effort to save her abysmal participation grade, Isabel Miranda ‘22 spent all 75 minutes of her final AEM Statistics lecture asking a single question. “You know, I just did the math,” Miranda explained after class. “Most people contribute, what? Once a class? Maybe? Taking up every minute of class asking…
PLUM TREE —Though it’s quiet in the empty restaurant this morning, Jamie Takahashi, Plum Tree owner, knows it’s the calm before the storm. “We are a restaurant haunted by its past and preparing for its future. Formal season is about to begin and unless we’re ready, we’ll be obliterated.” “Every year, Collegetown restaurants face an…
DAY HALL—In response to student strikes over Cornell’s continued investment in fossil fuel companies, the Board of Trustees released a statement Friday morning affirming that the returns on such investments are necessary for Cornell to continue educating the final generation to exist before the global climate crisis results in a total extinction of the human…
OLIN LIBRARY — Librarians at Olin Library are reportedly still enthusiastic about getting students to use their library despite current construction actively destroying their workplace.. “We’re really excited about the new renovations going on here,” said librarian Dana Holcomb ‘89, gesturing to the crushed wreck that once was the circulation desk. “Unfortunately, that does mean…
BARNES HALL- Interviewing for a summer internship with elite consulting firm McKidney & Company, local AEM major Angela Brighten ’21 reportedly felt obliged to suggest the mass slaughter of civilians as the best solution to a case study. McKidney’s Charles DePrice began the interview by reading a case prompt to Brighten: “Our client is a…
PEPSICO AUDITORIUM– In an attempt to encourage healthy on campus living habits, Cornell Dining, Cornell Health, and the Cornell Department of Nutritional Sciences have released a food guide recommending that students consume 12 servings of PepsiCo products every day. “Many young adults find out that college is the time to start thinking about what you…
DAY HALL — Following recent hazing allegations, members of Cornell Mock Trial are eagerly anticipating the potential for legal action. “We practice our courtroom skills for competitions all year, but we never get to do any real lawyer stuff,” said club President Michael Saks ‘20. “If we get the chance to face an actual lawsuit,…
RARE MANUSCRIPTS COLLECTION, URIS LIBRARY – Holding a flickering candle up to the aged, yellowed tomes of the university’s founding documents, University Historian Eliana Helversum was horrified to uncover a long-forgotten amendment to Cornell’s motto explicitly barring Christians from attending the university. “I can’t believe it…” whispered Helversum. “After all this time of near-ubiquitous societal…
IVES HALL—Overclocking his 9th Generation Intel Core and NVIDIA GeForce RTX to open yet another Wikipedia tab, Dennis Murphy ‘23 pushed the absolute limits of his Razer Blade Pro 17 to write an essay for his FWS. With each keystroke, the keys on Murphy’s individually backlit ghost-proof Chroma keyboard flashed in a beautiful chromatic symphony,…
DAY HALL — Following weeks of debate and consideration, Martha Pollack and the Board of Trustees unveiled their official list of the student-athletes with the tightest, hottest bodies on campus. “Our administration spent many hours on the bleachers of the Teagle pool, by the sidelines of Schoellkopf, and in the varsity weight room,” stated President…
