Nooz Staff November 22, 2019

Martha Pollack Releases Official List of Most Fuckable Student-Athletes

DAY HALL — Following weeks of debate and consideration, Martha Pollack and the Board of Trustees unveiled their official list of the student-athletes with the tightest, hottest bodies on campus.

“Our administration spent many hours on the bleachers of the Teagle pool, by the sidelines of Schoellkopf, and in the varsity weight room,” stated President Pollack, wiping the sweat off her flushed forehead. “We believe the soft nipples and toned abs of the male Swim & Dive team represent some of the most fuckable hunks this University has to offer.” 

Board of Trustees member Nancy Iverson ‘71 praised Women’s Soccer defender Taylor Foley, quivering with sexual delight as she imagined massaging those rock-solid calves with scented oils. Her Board colleague Paul Burgess ‘78 covered the growing tent in his pants as he described the skin-tight spandex that gripped the asses of this year’s Football roster.  

The list was immediately met with criticism due to its exclusion of Heavyweight Rowing star Martin Dimes, a Herculean sophomore with a chiseled torso, veiny forearms, and meaty thighs. “We appreciate your feedback,” replied Pollack, turning her office fan to a higher setting before scrolling through the Men’s Hockey Instagram. 

Shortly after the announcement, members of the Board of Trustees were spotted panicking after accidentally blowing half the 2020 budget on see-through wrestling uniforms. 

 

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