Professor Begs Students to Make “Very Informed Decision” About Turning In Their Homework

MALOTT HALL—In a passionate display of wishy-washy spinelessness, math professor Audrey Cook took the first twenty minutes of her morning lecture to plead with her students to really, really think about whether they should bother handing in their homework.

“Listen, I know you all cheered last week when I said you didn’t have to do your work anymore,” Cook said, falling dramatically to her knees and clasping her hands together as if in prayer. “But with the increasing prevalence of people failing the midterm, I strongly encourage all of you to at least, you know, consider completing your homework. And maybe even turning it in, if you want! No pressure, though!”

Cook’s desperate appeal to her class’s sense of righteousness went almost completely ignored, just like the problem sets that had been due on Friday. “Honestly, this is kind of embarrassing,” said Sidney Vasquez ‘23, who has not turned in a single assignment all semester and plans to keep it that way. “If she wanted us to do the work, maybe she should’ve kept it in the syllabus.”

“I know I have no authority to make the kids do anything,” bemoaned Cook, seeming to forget all about her job of being the professor in charge of grading things. “I just hope that if I guilt-trip them and look pathetic enough, maybe the problem will go away on its own?”

As of press time, Cook had begun to weep tragically into her hands, surreptitiously glancing up every few seconds to see if any student looked concerned.

Cornell Introduces New “Sluggish Tests” That Provide Results in 15 Days

DAY HALL—Students across campus have been left in suspense after administration announced that Ithaca campus residents are now required to take “sluggish tests” that produce results in fifteen days. 

“Sluggish tests are the perfect diagnostic tool for this stage of the pandemic,” attested President Pollack via email. “In a mere fifteen days, they inform students whether they were safe to socialize two weeks ago or if they have exposed their entire social circle to COVID, with an astonishing 67% accuracy. We believe these sluggish tests will be key to reopening campus within the next fourteen years.”

Unlike the sluggish tests, President Pollack moved quickly to shut down criticism of the new testing regimen.

“Many students have asked why we would switch to sluggish tests when there are faster and more accurate COVID tests available,” the email continued. “In the interest of providing students with a sense of stability in this unpredictable pandemic, we have decided to lower COVID testing to the level of the rest of our ineffective and bogged-down healthcare system. Additionally, the money saved on tests can go to more urgent matters, such as our seventh continuous semester of construction on North Campus.”

The email concluded by cautioning students that due to server outages at Cayuga Medical Center, students may not receive their results for up to three months.

Relative Lack of Student Assembly Bullshittery Raises Concerns

WILLARD STRAIGHT HALL—A recent lack of extremely public meltdowns within Cornell’s student government has led many students to wonder what dumb shit they are getting into this semester.

“I don’t know what to think,” admitted John Hawkinson ‘23. “I haven’t heard anything about them this year, and that kind of scares me. Like, did 30 undergraduates desperately vying for fake power suddenly just get their shit together, or  are they secretly trying to abolish the Dyson School as we speak?”

In response to growing anxieties, multiple undergraduates harboring similar beliefs to Hawkinson have formed SA Watch, a committee dedicated to unraveling what is truly going on behind the scenes of this mysterious branch of shared governance. The group has grown exponentially over the past month, and has branched out to following SA members on Instagram, putting polls out on gimmick Instagram accounts, and scouring Cornell’s Reddit. Some members even suggested they actually attend a meeting or read the Sun, but this measure was swiftly voted down.

“I remember so many crises over the last few years,” recalled Jenna Swarthmore ‘22. “Disarmament, BDS, the entirety of last year’s election. It seemed like the SA couldn’t get a single thing done without someone getting cancelled and Ben Shapiro chiming in on Twitter, but now? I mean, I still don’t know what the fuck they’re doing, but at least I haven’t heard anything about it.”

When asked, SA Watch confirmed that no member of their group had voted in the last elections, and that none intended to vote this year either.

 

Campus to Introduce Permanent Patch Of Dirt With A Few Trucks On It

ARTS QUAD—In an announcement that sent shockwaves throughout campus, President Martha Pollack unveiled construction plans for a new dusty home for minimally labeled and questionably permitted trucks in the middle of the arts quad.

“We really wanted to spruce up the place,” wrote Pollack in her Monday morning email, “I kept looking at all that expansive grass out there and couldn’t help but think it needed something more—something which had a humble pizzazz, something which has individuality: an avant-garde installation which a student of the arts could appreciate.”

Named after the donors who will fund the $2 million project, the William and Florence Frenk Dirt-Truck Patch follows the success of North Campus’s Risley Dirt-Truck Patch, although this addition will be far less dominated by rocks and will try to improve the dirt’s sandiness. However, the university has decided to continue to use an array of white Ford F150 pickup trucks.

“The purpose of this project is not to merely tantalize the human eye but to make its viewer ask questions, which in a way, are reflections of the subjectivity of our existence. Does the caution tape outlining only one part of one edge of the patch mean you can walk through it if needed, or not? Why is there a man in a hard hat just sort of pacing around the trucks for hours on end some days? Why are there no license plates? These questions all have no concrete answers to them—your own conclusions, however, will mimic your inner self.”

Construction on the project will tentatively begin next week and continue into the spring of 2031.

Increasingly Concerned Ryan Lombardi Makes it to Final Wing Without Tasting Anything

DAY HALLAs Ryan Lombardi, Vice President of Student and Campus Life, finished the penultimate chicken wing in a spicy wing challenge with “Hot Ones” host Sean Evans, he became increasingly worried about his inability to taste any of them.

Lombardi, who pounded through Wings 1 and 2, Sriracha and Franks respectively, initially believed his spice tolerance to be better than he had remembered. However, as he and Evans progressed through sauces topping 300,000 Scovilles, Lombardi’s confidence morphed into confusion then dread.

During the “Explain that Gram” segment of the interview, Lombardi appeared to pull out his phone under the table and glance at the official CDC webpage for COVID-19 symptoms. Lombardi then proceeded to sniff the remaining wings on the table as he felt his forehead and timed his breath.

On the seventh of ten wings, Evans asked Lombardi what his favorite things about Cornell, to which Lombardi replied “Okay… so Tuesday I went to Wegman’s but I was only there for five minutes and washed my hands, Thursday I met with Jerry but we were totally masked and distanced, so it can’t be him. I bet it was Sheryl!  She walked way too close to me in the Day Hall parking lot. I’m sorry what was the question?”

Upon eating the final wing Cornell students and staff received a typo-laden email announcing that university administration were now eligible for complimentary quarantine housing in the Statler Hotel with unlimited food and a $25,000 quarantine stipend.

Cornell Administration Pleads for Understanding, Only Capable Of Empathizing “With One Minority Group At A Time”

WILLARD STRAIGHT HALL—In the wake of horrendous hate crimes committed against Asian-American women, Cornell University Administration has reiterated its commitment to improving as an anti-racist institution, as long as they don’t have to focus on fixing more than one thing at a time.

“Last May, in the wake of widespread protests, we put out a statement committing to re-evaluating our curriculum and how we can do better, including implementing resources for minority groups and platforming more people of color,” said John Malch, a member of Cornell’s leadership. “This past week, in the midst of another round of protests, we put out another statement, telling our students how much we disavow these attacks, a full year after they started increasing. Anti-Asian hate crimes rose over 150% in 2020, which we have acknowledged now, in March 2021, because we’re a progressive institution dedicated to addressing problems as soon as they become impossible to ignore.”

Cornell University has a long track record of changing in the face of overwhelming public pressure, from divesting from fossil fuels after widespread protest and outrage, to making Ibrahim X. Kennedy’s How to be an Antiracist available on Canvas after widespread protest and outrage. They also stood by a professor publicly defending police violence and retweeting anti-mask rants, because it’s much easier to admonish 20-year-olds for being irresponsible than it is to hold a tenured professor to account for vocally undermining university safety protocols.

“Look, we’re trying to consider all these issues,” mentioned a prominent administrator. “But we’ve been so busy solving other problems. We addressed the BLM movement with several initiatives, put in safety measures for the COVID pandemic, and then of course we had the whole disarmament thing, which was exhausting. There just wasn’t time to thoughtfully engage with more than one specific type of oppression. I’m sure when another widespread political movement for basic human rights pops up, we’ll be right there with a strongly-worded statement, ready to fight for our public image.”

Asked whether Cornell planned to address the sexism also inherent in recent attacks, the overwhelmed administrator put their head in their hands and said they would address it at a later date, if enough people were still asking about it.

“Egads, I’ve Been Foiled Again!” Cries Would-Be Hacker Stymied by Canvas Two-Factor Authentication

UNKNOWN—After attempting for months to break into the Cornell Canvas mainframe, a nefarious hacker who is known as “The Marauder” on online message boards looked on in horror as the website informed him that he could not proceed without a second authentication factor.

“Blast! Those conniving Cornelians foiled my Machiavellian plans yet again!” Mr. Marauder exclaimed. “I thought such high-level cybersecurity was far beyond their feeble capacities, but I have clearly underestimated their technical prowess. Well played, Madam Pollack. Well played.”

Working deep into the night for the better part of the year in order to access the invaluable data contained within the company’s servers, Mr. Marauder appeared thoroughly disheartened. “Over the years, I’ve cracked some of the world’s most secure firewalls,” the mysterious pirate continued, “but I never considered that I might confront the archnemesis of cybercriminals everywhere: Duo Mobile.”

Despite this setback, Mr. Marauder remained determined in his quest. “Can you imagine the wealth of data contained in those accounts?” he said. “A nearly endless array of syllabi, due dates, and discussions. And the modules! Modules as far as the eye can see… yes, I must continue. You may have won this round, Cornell, but I will never surrender!”

At press time, the hacker promptly bypassed the two-factor requirement and gained entry to the site by logging in on his phone and sending a push to the same device.

Fraternities Concerned Cornell’s Switch to Green Status Might Make Them Appear Socially Responsible

WEST CAMPUS—In response to the recent news that the Ithaca COVID levels have dropped to the point that campus may now return to Green status, several fraternities across campus have expressed concern that this will reflect negatively on Cornell’s Greek life.

“Okay, we’re obviously stoked we can go out again, but we hardly had a chance to break the rules before they took them away,” proclaimed Bradley Flemings ‘22, president of an underground fraternity. “Honestly, it’s going to hurt spring recruiting if athletics keep hogging the spotlight here. I mean, a whole cluster? Getting called out by the administration? Those are our moves.”

Ultimately, these concerns are shared by students of all ages, with several freshmen doubting their previous intentions to rush after the news broke, including Jameson Adams III ‘24, a prospective third-generation brother of Beta Iota Zeta.

“Frankly, this isn’t the brotherhood my father knew,” he explained. “The underage keg parties, attempted bribes of campus police, public drunkenness charges? Where is that Beta? I mean, no self-respecting fraternity would ever turn up a chance to recklessly endanger public safety.”

“It’s been a few weeks since Greek life did something illegal or morally questionable, so we just wanted to touch base,” one mid-level official explained. At press time, Cornell administration hoped to crack down on Greek life as soon as possible, noting the usual increase in alumni donations whenever a fraternity was in legal trouble. 

Pollack Won’t Commit to Peaceful Transition to Online Learning if Cuomo Declares Shutdown

DAY HALL—In a press conference this Tuesday, University President Martha Pollack refused to guarantee a peaceful shutdown of in-person learning if Governor Andrew Cuomo says COVID cases exceed the maximum limit. 

“Well, we’ll have to see what happens,” said a defiant Pollack. “You know, I always say there’s a problem with how they count cases. You have in-person testing. And then you have mail-in testing. It’s just totally illegal. A huge disaster.” 

When asked about what a sudden transition to online classes would look like, the President opted to deny the possibility of any shutdown whatsoever. 

“Look, I want a smooth, beautiful transition, but when the case numbers and the system are rigged?” said Pollack, standing maskless in front of a podium as key advisors Ryan Lombardi and Michael Kotlikoff looked on. “We do want a very friendly transition. It’ll be a tremendous transition, probably the best transition in history. But we don’t want to be cheated, especially not by Sleepy Andy.”

President Pollack’s team later clarified that she was “just joking” and added that interested students could learn more about her online learning plans during her daily phone-in with Fox & Friends. 

OP-ED: How Can Cornell Provide Tampons for People Who Menstruate Without Providing Skateparks for People Who Shred Gnar?

Cornell has always been a trailblazer, and I must start by commending the university, which  began admitting women in 1872, only seven years after its founding. Since its inception, Cornell has been at the forefront of the struggle for the equality of people who mensturate, and can finally say it provides free access to period products in campus restrooms.

Despite this notable breakthrough, inequity still persists. Just as the menstruators of Cornell require period products for their natural menstrual needs, I require access to an on-campus skatepark—preferably one with a dope half-pipe and a massive snake run.

The move towards equality for menstruators has always been based upon the ideal that no person should be denied opportunity solely on the basis of their biological processes. If menstruators no longer pay a de facto tax on their period, I should not be forced to take the TCAT all the way down to the lame-ass Ithaca skatepark, which is far too small and out of my way. This is the kind of firm moral principle Cornell must uphold. 

I understand this venture, similar to the free tampons and pads, can be construed as unnecessary and overly expensive. I realize the taboo natures of menstruation and epic sk8r culture can cause the pain of their disaffected groups to go unnoticed. But we will no longer be denied! The truly radical 360 chasing ollie poppers will rise up and get the high quality skating palace we truly deserve!

However, in the interest of civility and patience, I would even be satisfied with any kind of verbal commitment to my new initiative. Even if the new skatepark was constructed on the same expedited time frame as the period products, originally slated for implementation in 2017, I would be happy. Though I’d never get to grind rails with the boys, I’d at least know Cornell took our concerns seriously.