Revised Interim Protest Laws Require All Picket Signs to Include “Compliment Sandwich”

DAY HALL—Amid violently expressive protests around campus, President Pollack looks to improve the growingly pernicious Cornell ethos through the enforcement of the “compliment sandwich method.”

“It’s come to our attention that some students have been saying hateful things about me–I mean members of the administration. This goes against our campus policy of being nice,” explained Pollack. 

The “compliment sandwich” is an ancient yet scientifically-proven technique, where a piece of constructive criticism is framed by two gentle compliments. When asked how the new policy would be realized, Pollack offered an example.

“We encourage students to express themselves and their passions through protest, but it should look more like this:”

Martha, we love you and it’s not your fault.

Please divest from weapons manufacturers.

Ryan Lombardi, you rocked that runway outfit!

This new policy is in no way baseless. It is rooted in a rich understanding of historical activism. At the bottom of the email announcement lies a quote from Dr. King: “Man must evolve for all human conflict a method which rejects revenge, aggression and retaliation. The foundation of such a method is love.” However, the fight for love is not over. President Pollack is currently considering her next course of action.

“We’ve been discussing the issue of violent fonts, which go against our other campus policy of not being too scary. Students have begun using truly spine-chilling red and black markers, whereas a softer yellow or maybe a sky blue would be a lot easier to ignor–receive. The megaphone issue has come up in recent meetings as well… nothing sounds very complimentary through a grating megaphone.” 

Students are reminded to keep their passionate activism, but add a little compliment frame. Hopefully all students can soon forget about these issues and return to the age-old tradition of joining hands around McGraw tower with the love and glee that Cornell is known for.

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