DAY HALL—In an effort to restore Cornell University to its rightful status as a paragon of free speech, Provost Kotlikoff has invited Ann Coulter ‘84 to speak on her illustrious career in tweeting and speaking to disinterested crowds. To great surprise, the prestigious alumnus accepted, but not without demands.
The terms and conditions, arriving in an unmarked envelope and resembling a ransom note, began with an apology for running off stage in 2022. “I just get really scared when I see a person of color yelling mean things at me. My assistant says that I’m experiencing ‘empathy’ for the lives and communities I’ve indirectly ruined through my hateful language… but a likelier explanation is that Cornell protests have gotten too woke. These communist DEI policies are ruining the First Amendment now!”
In a brazen effort to relive her glory days as a Republican speaker, Coulter plans to ridicule anthropology majors for an hour, as long as there aren’t any minorities within a 20-foot radius. According to her press team, the goal is to re-enact crowds that she’s used to: white Westchester residents. Meanwhile, Coulter asks that any person of color sign up for a protest permit, and she swears she won’t delete the Google form.
Kotlikoff remains excited about the event. “We’ve never had someone ask as many questions on the ‘limits of freedom of expression’ as Coulter. It’s a sign that she’s taking this seriously,” Kotlikoff claimed in elation. “I told her I, and the university, will wholeheartedly support her in anything she does or says. I’m hoping once this succeeds, people will learn what a provost actually is.”
At press time, Coulter divulged, “I haven’t been this bigoted in a speech in years. I’m so glad Cornell signed off on me being myself, unfiltered!”
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