Environmentalism Win! Water Fountain has Saved 57i37eN.0 Bottles of Water

Cornell University has positioned itself as a champion of sustainability amidst Ithaca’s expansive wilderness, adopting practices like charging students for reusable containers and slapping the color green on things. Chief among these practices is the proliferation of water bottle filling stations, many of which claim to have prevented water bottle usage up to amounts such as “N45.7E0D,” “57i37eN.0,” “80085,” and “ERROR.” The University’s Campus Sustainability Office considers this a win.

“I’m not quite sure what 57i37e means but it sounds like a big number and that, to me, sounds like a good thing,” said Patricia Jiang, Head of Cornell’s Campus Sustainability Office.

Despite these great efforts, many students have taken issue with the ubiquitous water fountains complaining that “the filters are always red,” which makes them feel “unsafe.” To this, the sustainability office has retorted that their focus is on sustainability, which no one told them required constant attention.

“The fountains that we installed have successfully saved 15.76 x 10-7 bottles of water, which is an impressive sounding number,” Jiang said. “Haven’t we done enough?”

Following complaints from students about non-potable water and a cholera outbreak traced back to Olin Library, the Sustainability Office offered students some helpful advice.
“Sustainability means sacrifice,” Jiang said. “And if that means sore throats for the sake of the environment, I can sleep well knowing that my office has helped clear 5i748e plastic water bottles from our planet.”

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