Tag Archives: O-Week

Freshmen Waiting for School Bell To Go Off After Lecture

Demotivated students sitting in a lecture hall with one girl napping in college

GOLDWIN-SMITH HALL —  At the end of their first class of the day, students in Professor Stuart Davis’ Freshman Writing Seminar waited an extra ten minutes past 11:00 for the school bell to ring and signal dismissal to go to next period’s class. “Are they broken today?” asked Stuart Frye Read More

Professor Selling Signed Copies of Own Fluid Mechanics Textbook

Author signing autograph in own book at wooden table on light blurred background

CORNELL STORE — Sitting outside on Ho Plaza with a stack of books and a pen at the ready, Chemical Engineering professor David Ernst is offering students signed copies of his self-published book, “Fundamentals of Fluid Mechanics and Magnetohydrodynamics.” “I’m trying to generate a lot of buzz about this book,” Read More

Freshman Ready for Adult Responsibilities Just Months After Asking Permission to Use Bathroom

freshmanbathroomgirl

MEWS HALL – After arriving on campus and bidding tear-filled goodbyes to her parents, incoming Cornell freshman Danielle Fischer ‘20 allegedly considered herself ready to take on major responsibilities, just a few months after needing to ask her high school Spanish teacher for permission to use the bathroom. “Now that Read More

Freshman From Montana Excited To Be Forever Known as Person From Montana

montanagirl

MEWS HALL – Upon telling her new floormates that she was originally from Bozeman, Montana, freshman Diane Hollis ’20 is reportedly excited to be referred to as “that person from Montana” for the remainder of her collegiate career. “Hey, you must be that girl from Montana, right? Oh cool,” said Read More

Newly Hatched Freshmen Imprint on First Upperclassman They See

freshmen_ducklings

Upon pecking through their shells and scanning the campus around them, twelve newly hatched freshmen imprinted on the first Cornellian they saw, junior Ellen Hayes, convincing themselves that she was their mother. “I’m too young for this responsibility,” Hayes said. “When they followed me into lecture, they all just stood Read More

Rising Senior Mentally Preparing for Last Year of Keystone Light

keystone

TEANECK, NJ – Justin Cochran ’17, entering his last year at Cornell, reports that he is “mentally and physically” preparing himself to drink Keystone Light Beer for the next 10 months before he can graduate to more expensive, better-tasting beers. “One more year of this, and then never again in Read More

Report: 10:10 Lecture Fills Up Too Quickly and Oh Boo Hoo You Sad Fucks

dickwad

STUDENT CENTER — Thousands of members of the class of 2020 attempted to enroll in the 10:10 lecture of Introductory Macroeconomics this morning, however they found it filled up too quickly and oh boo hoo you sad fucks, you didn’t get a class you wanted. “Now that I’ve been locked Read More