OP-ED: Dear Freshmen, that Twenty-Person O-Week Friend Group is Much Cooler Than You and If You Don’t Have Best Friends Yet, Just Give Up Trying

RUTH BADER GINSBURG HALL—Freshies, the first week of college is tough—college-living is a huge transition! If you’re feeling worried about the multitude of first-year frights—homesickness, courseload, dining hall food—you should probably add yet another anxiety to that list: the fact that you don’t have any friends while every single person around you has already found their long-time besties.

College moves quick! While you initially may have thought that you had some time to “find your people,” time is rapidly running out. Look out your window. See that group of 15 or so excited 18 year-olds? Well, they can see you sitting alone in your room, and think you’re a fucking loser.

One such ultra-popular freshman, Kylie Richards ‘27, expressed how easy it was for her to adjust to college life. She struggled to understand how you could be a loser with no friends when you have had 14 days to learn everything there is to know about someone who you get along with super well.

“I am so cool and I have, like, one-hundred friends,” Richards said. “We’re all super pretty and rich and already have boyfriends and girlfriends who we will be with forever. Yay!”

A friend of Richards’, Alex Ellis ‘27, concurred. “I have so many friends already and it has only been two weeks,” Ellis said. “The amount of available friends is finite so I had to collect as many as possible. I have so many friends and I get along with every single one of them. Woohoo!”

“And If By Accident, We Should Ever Pass On The Street, Please Don’t Recognize Me,” Orientation Leader Gives Final Piece Of Advice

RAWLINGS GREEN—After an emotional week of preparation and group bonding, Orientation Leader Maxim Greenwald ‘24 gave one last instruction to his Orientees, that they should never speak to him again. Though Greenwald had spent the last week teaching the group all about the ins and outs of campus life, he knew that his final piece of wisdom was the most valuable.

“It is imperative that you and I never once interact again,” explained Greenwald, detailing the long standing social contract entered into by O-Week Leaders and those they have oriented. “If we make eye contact, look away. If you wave at me, I’ll be looking behind me to see who’s there. And if you say my name, well I have a very common name.” 

As the group finished their final lunch together, a somber mood replaced their once sugary-sweet dynamic. What had previously been fun and games would now be avoiding one another’s gaze in the line for Rusty’s Cafe. Following this meal, Maxim and his students, who had once been one another’s sole connections on campus, would become nothing but mere ships passing drunkenly in the night. 

“It’s definitely mixed feelings for me,” stated Rania Leitner ‘27. “On the one hand, Maxim is the only person I know on campus with any idea how to get to Target, which is pretty helpful. But on the other, I can’t quite look at him the same after we ran into each other while he puked behind a frat annex.”

“Though this is the end of our time together, I am not saddened,” concluded Greenwald. “This is because I do not like you very much. And if I’ve done my job right, you’ll feel the same way.” 

11th Plague of Egypt Descends Upon Command Strip Section of Bed Bath & Beyond

BED BATH AND BEYOND—Ithaca’s own Bed Bath & Beyond was struck this past week by a new, never-before-seen curse from the heavens above. This eleventh plague wreaked havoc on the aisles dedicated to command strips as well as their off-brand alternatives.

“It was horrifying, I’d never seen anything like it,” said Cashier Josephine Selter  “So loud, so frenetic. But as quick as it began, it was over. All that remained were the tattered remains of 20% coupons blowing through the empty aisles.”  

Alastor Odobe ’23 arrived at the home goods store long after the plague had hit.  “All my friends had decorated their rooms, so I figured that I should, like, put up a poster or something.  But bro, like, all the command strips were sold out. It’s chill, though” Odobe added, “I’ll just order some on Amazon, and maybe I’ll like get a sick poster of Megan Fox while I’m at it.”

There were some notable survivors of the chaos; miraculously, the $20 chrome plated command hooks remained unscathed. 

Martha Pollack Reads The Very Hungry Caterpillar to Students at Orientation

DAY HALL—To foster loving relationships with those on campus before the semester begins, President Martha Pollack has decided to read The Very Hungry Caterpillar to students at Orientation.

“Reading books with wholesome themes to our young ones encourages academic excellence and teaches mutual respect,” explained Pollack with a nurturing and patient smile. “Someday, they will become big beautiful butterflies, just like the very hungry caterpillar!”

Worried that her freshmen might squirm and become easily distracted during story time, the 14th President of Cornell University will focus on creating a safe interactive space for the students to express their feelings and relate to others in a healthy way. There will also be a puppet segment.

“You’ve made this a special day just by being yourselves,” said Pollack in her practice run, as she recited her closing lines in a soothing musical tone and bobbed her puppet’s head up and down. “I’ve had a wonderful time reading to you. Bye-bye!”

After wrapping up a successful rehearsal, the gentle friend to all selected her favorite hand-knitted cardigan sweater and sneakers to wear during the event, confident that her rendition of The Very Hungry Caterpillar will help any nervous new students feel ready for school.

Cornell Announces Worst Member of Class of 2020

DICKSON HALL — A month into fall semester, the Worst Student of the Class of 2020 has officially been announced as James Romm, selected from over over 3200 students of this year’s freshmen.

“We are pleased to reveal that, after locking himself out of his dorm room twice in one week, James Romm is now the worst freshman on campus,” stated Associate Dean of Students Arthur Metzger, who also congratulated Romm on his attempt to go to RPCC brunch on a weekday.

Floormates of Romm in his Dickson second floor hall have spoken out saying he is a fantastic choice for Worst Student after he burned microwave popcorn and set off the fire alarm on three separate occasions.

“He’s certainly a great candidate,” said hallmate Steven D’Angela ‘20, “He’s borrowed my shampoo practically every week. I don’t think he actually owns any.”

Romm reportedly missed his award completely after not having checked his Cornell email since arriving on campus.

Freshmen Waiting for School Bell To Go Off After Lecture

GOLDWIN-SMITH HALL —  At the end of their first class of the day, students in Professor Stuart Davis’ Freshman Writing Seminar waited an extra ten minutes past 11:00 for the school bell to ring and signal dismissal to go to next period’s class.

“Are they broken today?” asked Stuart Frye ’20, tapping his #2 pencil against his three-ring binder. “Someone should go on the PA system and let us know if the bells aren’t working. And while they’re at it, they should let us know what’s for lunch!”

During the short ten minutes spent in anticipation of the bell, the restless students discussed their schedules to see if any had the same homeroom.

“I thought Mr. Davis had to let us go. But he just walked out and left us all here by ourselves,” said Sadie Reeves ’20, “Isn’t this his classroom? Where is he going off to?”

The same group of freshmen was seen later that afternoon waiting for their moms to pick them up on East Avenue.

Professor Selling Signed Copies of Own Fluid Mechanics Textbook

CORNELL STORE — Sitting outside on Ho Plaza with a stack of books and a pen at the ready, Chemical Engineering professor David Ernst is offering students signed copies of his self-published book, “Fundamentals of Fluid Mechanics and Magnetohydrodynamics.”

“I’m trying to generate a lot of buzz about this book,” said Dr. Ernst, “so I’ve been out here all day promoting it, and I’m scheduled to do a live reading at Goldies later this week.”

The author is hoping to turn heads in the industry and is in talks to sign a book deal for three more sequels with Penguin publishers, though he has been told his content needs to appeal more to the teenage demographic before it can really go anywhere.

“I think mostly the people buying are in my MAE 3230 class, which lists the textbook as a requirement, but I’ve had a few others stop by and ask me about it. I explained the premise of how the viscosity of non-Newtonian fluids depends on shear rate to some interested Sociology majors, and they told me they might buy a copy on their way out of the store!”

The textbook is currently ranked at 2,052,030 on the Amazon Best Sellers list selling for $300.

Freshman Ready for Adult Responsibilities Just Months After Asking Permission to Use Bathroom

MEWS HALL – After arriving on campus and bidding tear-filled goodbyes to her parents, incoming Cornell freshman Danielle Fischer ‘20 allegedly considered herself ready to take on major responsibilities, just a few months after needing to ask her high school Spanish teacher for permission to use the bathroom.

“Now that I’m officially a college student, I’m ready to tackle all of the obligations that come with adulthood,” said the naïve eighteen-year-old, who still doesn’t know how to boil water or do her laundry.

“Finally, no parents to tell me to do my homework or clean my room. I can handle it all on my own now, along with all of the other responsibilities that I’ll have as a college student. I’m so excited to be all grown up now!”

Later that evening Fischer was seen asking her RA if she was allowed to leave the dorm for the evening, promising that she would be back by 11 and would finish her essay before tomorrow.

Freshman From Montana Excited To Be Forever Known as Person From Montana

MEWS HALL – Upon telling her new floormates that she was originally from Bozeman, Montana, freshman Diane Hollis ’20 is reportedly excited to be referred to as “that person from Montana” for the remainder of her collegiate career.

“Hey, you must be that girl from Montana, right? Oh cool,” said a fellow Mews resident from much more normal Michigan, leaving Hollis to wonder if she was giving off some sort of Montana vibe or if word of such a strange US resident had already made its way around the entire floor so quickly.

“What’s your name again? Ah never mind, I’ll just remember you as Montana Girl or maybe Hannah Montana or something clever and annoying like that. Can’t wait to see you around more!”

Later that evening, attention shifted away from Hollis for a bit when everyone on the floor discovered that her roommate was from the same hometown where Mister Rogers was born.

Great, Mom Already Crying

NORTH CAMPUS – Upon parking the family’s light blue Town & Country near Mews Hall, the mother of incoming freshman Tricia Duvan ’20 was reportedly, great, already crying over the idea of leaving her only daughter in this new and strange college environment without her mother by her side.

“Oh, my sweet, sweet daughter! Just yesterday you were my little baby girl, and now you’re starting college. I can’t believe you’re leaving me!” said the choked-up mother through her tears, oblivious to her daughter’s increasingly stern stares, I mean c’mon Mom, and the rapidly increasing volume of her whimpers, please Mom this is awkward.

“I know that we still have to move you in, get dinner, and aren’t leaving until tomorrow, but if you think your mother isn’t going to cry for the next 18 hours then you must not be my Trish-trish.”

Mrs. Duvan was later seen fully bawling throughout dinner at Viva Taqueria, which was the most embarrassing thing ever, and both Mr. Duvan and Tricia have expressed fears over what more could possibly happen tomorrow once the family actually goes home.