Student With Distant Memory of Overhearing Parents Say “We’re Proud Of Arson” Embarks On Epic Journey To Win Dad’s Love

MARY DONLON HALL– Faced with the prospect of returning home for the holidays with nothing to show for himself except a D- in his FWS, the most downvoted post in Cornell Reddit history, and a prematurely receding hairline, Jason Wincherly ‘25 was spared four weeks of his parents’ disappointed silence when he was suddenly hit by an old memory of his parents expressing pride in “arson.” 

“It’s weird that my parents would like arson so much, but I guess my dad’s proud of anything that isn’t me, huh?” said Wincherly, trying to pass off his lifelong emotional neglect as a lighthearted joke. Armed with lighter fluid, a BIC lighter stolen from the roommate that stole his girlfriend, and a pathological inferiority complex, he then snuck into Ganedago Hall and set what police chief David Honan would refer to in that morning’s crime alert as “the most disappointing fire of all time.”

Having blazed up the prime trophy that is Ganedago Hall’s winter move out checklist, Wincherely realized that it would take the equivalent of the California wildfires to make up for his lifetime of insolvent bottom feeding. Increasingly desperate to prove himself, Wincherely set a second fire in Ganedago, only to discover the damage cost less than a single bottle of the wine his father drank to forget his disappointment of a son.

After twice failing to set campus ablaze, Wincherly realized that seeing pride in his father’s eyes was the one problem he couldn’t solve by copying off a smarter classmate, and instead settled for setting another one of his signature piss baby fires in Donlon Hall.

OP-ED: Thanks To Mixed-Gender Housing Rules, I Can Finally Become Friends With Girls

The University just announced a sweeping change that allows male and female students to room together on West Campus, which means I will finally be able to make female friends.

The change comes after years of maintaining an archaic policy built upon the misguided preconception that boys and girls can only be enemies or lovers, and nothing in between.

After a multitude of unsuccessful attempts at building meaningful relationships with every girl I interact with in classes, dorms, and parties, I came to realize that the main reason no friendships were blossoming was because I couldn’t live with any of them.

Now, with the capability of sharing a living space with the opposite gender, I am positive that I can develop a sense of kinship with at least one, if not multiple, female peers.

And who knows, thanks to this policy change, someday I may even be living with a girlfriend.

Campus STD Rates Plummet After RA Puts Clever Safe Sex Pun on Hallway Corkboard

GANNETT HEALTH SERVICES — Representatives from Gannett Health Services report a staggeringly low number of confirmed sexually transmitted disease cases on campus for this semester, attributing the drop to a clever sex pun PSA posted in the 4th floor Donlon hallway by RA Danielle Covington ’17.

“If you don’t use protection, you’re a goner(rhea)!” exclaimed a cartoon phallus from Covington’s poster next to the elevator, forcing dozens of impressionable freshmen to take notice of the condom-less male genitalia and reconsider their own sexual shenanigans.

“I considered having unprotected sex with Ken later, but there’s no way I’ll go for that now. Thanks Rick the Dick!” stated resident Lily Newhart ’19, forever changed due to the informative poster down the hall from her dorm.

Gannett later said that the next goal was to reduce the spread of viruses on campus by placing even more jokey warning stickers on every soap and hand sanitizer dispenser.