“Actually, We Prefer ‘Unhoused’”: Freshman Fails to Secure Housing for 2027-2028 Academic Year 

COLLEGETOWN—While many current sophomores and juniors were relieved to secure desirable Collegetown housing for the upcoming year, one destitute freshman has very little to celebrate. Hotel school student Parker McQuinton ’27 has displayed an utter lack of initiative as he is yet to sign a lease for the 2027-2028 year. “It’s really important to use person-first language when describing my intrinsic personal failings,” insisted McQuinton. “Instead of saying that I’m a derelict numbskulled vagrant, you should say that I’m a person experiencing all-consuming inadequacy.” 

Contract law professor Jacob Pretensi weighed in on McQuinton’s shocking incompetence, explaining, “McQuinton should have appreciated this marvelous opportunity to pay corporate landlords thousands of dollars, use a laundry machine that only takes quarters, and never get his deposit back.” Instead, the good-for-nothing drifter has chosen to attend classes and unpack his current living quarters— an unforgivable display of apathy and negligence. 

Friends of McQuinton have expressed concern after hearing news of his recent misfortune, despite the situation being entirely brought upon himself and indicative of deep character flaws. “Yeah, obviously I was like, shocked and horrified when I found out my bro doesn’t have 4+ years of leases lined up” remarked McQuinton’s podmate, Joseph Gransoff. “I offered to do a meal train or something, but all I can bring him is Morrison pizza on a paper plate.”

When asked why he would need housing in Ithaca for the academic year after his expected graduation date, McQuinton responded, “I’m majoring in something literally called ‘hotel.’ There’s no way I’m getting out of here in 4 years.” 

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