Recent Graduates Wondering Who Will Take Initiative to Clean House

COLLEGETOWN – Following graduation and the departure of the majority of students from the Cornell campus, residents at 531 East State Street have been seen idly walking around their incredibly disgusting house, curious as to which person would be the first to start cleaning.

“Our lease ends this weekend, and the house is pretty gross, so I’m hoping somebody steps up to the plate soon and begins sweeping and mopping while I seem oblivious to the whole matter,” said Thomas Killington ’16, who at the time was walking around the Arts Quad in an effort to spend as much time away from the putrid four-bedroom house as possible.

“I think Simon is going to be the last one to leave, so if he doesn’t want to do all of the cleaning at the last minute he better get a lead on it now. Maybe I can trick Blaine or Charlie into tidying up by telling them I’ll clean the bathrooms later, but we all know that’s not happening.”

It was later reported that Simon had actually wiped down the kitchen countertops that afternoon, but proceeded to make tacos and made everything messy again.

Administration Demolishes Low Rises for Pre-frosh Visits

LOW RISES – In what has been widely regarded as a violation of students’ rights, the Cornell administration has decided to demolish the Low Rise dorms in anticipation of Cornell Days this weekend to improve first-impressions prospective students have of North Campus.

“We just want to make sure visitors get the best possible experience and learn what Cornell has to offer before making their decision,” said Ryan Lombardi as hundreds of current Freshman were forced out of the Low Rises with all their belongings.

“People are calling it a ‘cleansing operation’ and that is simply not true,” says acting president Kotlikoff, “The administration is taking legitimate action to update our student housing, not destroying a dorm for ‘beautification processes,’ like some would have you believe.”

No university programs have been established so far to relocate the now-displaced residents, and CUPD officers have been dispatched several times to quell uprisings and remove squatters in the already riot-proof buildings.

Campus STD Rates Plummet After RA Puts Clever Safe Sex Pun on Hallway Corkboard

GANNETT HEALTH SERVICES — Representatives from Gannett Health Services report a staggeringly low number of confirmed sexually transmitted disease cases on campus for this semester, attributing the drop to a clever sex pun PSA posted in the 4th floor Donlon hallway by RA Danielle Covington ’17.

“If you don’t use protection, you’re a goner(rhea)!” exclaimed a cartoon phallus from Covington’s poster next to the elevator, forcing dozens of impressionable freshmen to take notice of the condom-less male genitalia and reconsider their own sexual shenanigans.

“I considered having unprotected sex with Ken later, but there’s no way I’ll go for that now. Thanks Rick the Dick!” stated resident Lily Newhart ’19, forever changed due to the informative poster down the hall from her dorm.

Gannett later said that the next goal was to reduce the spread of viruses on campus by placing even more jokey warning stickers on every soap and hand sanitizer dispenser.

Freshman Elects to Stay Anonymous After Winning 5 PM Housing Lottery Slot

DONLON HALL — The lucky winner of a coveted 5 PM time slot and a single in Bethe Hall during the housing lottery for the upcoming fall semester does not want to be the subject of mass media frenzy or be in the public eye whatsoever, and has elected to collect her winnings but remain anonymous.

“I knew that I’d been blessed and that my life would change forever for the better when I first got my time slot, but I’d, at the same time, like to keep my anonymity. I just think my life would be way easier. I just don’t want anyone to think that I’m special or be put on a pedestal. I just got lucky,” said the freshman at a press conference with a bag over her head, whose relationships with her close friends had already been affected by her receipt of the favorable time slot.

Cornell is one of a handful of universities that allow housing lottery winners to remain anonymous. Many people would kill to get the spacious West Campus room that was up for grabs, and the option of not having ones name out in the public eye is guaranteed to keep students safer.

Critics have maintained that allowing winners to keep their winning slots but remain anonymous interferes with the transparency of the randomized process, a necessary component to communicate the idea that housing selection is fair for all students.

The majority of students who were not so lucky with housing will have to wait and try their luck scrambling for apartments in Collegetown during the Ithaca Renting free-for-all next October.

JAM Roommates Split Over Creative Differences

Photo by David Navadeh

JAM PROGRAM HOUSE  – Norman Samson and Benjamin Harrison, long-time roommates in Cornell’s music themed program house JAM have recently announced they are splitting up over “creative differences.”

“I really feel like we need to stay true to our roots,” said Harrison as he tearfully glanced at their old, dusty acoustic guitars. “But as the academic year has gone by, we just don’t see eye-to-eye on the direction of the group. It’s about time we go our separate ways.”

A spokesperson for the duo said that the roommates will pursue a solo career for the time being, with Samson looking to pursue a following in Mews Hall and Harrison considering space in Low Rise 7.

“The drugs, the fame, it all got to him. He just isn’t the roommate I used to know,” said Samson as he longingly reminisced about the good old days, back when they were just kids starting out.

While Samson commented that a reunion would be unlikely, his roommate was open to the idea as long as each agreed to respect the other’s artistic vision, stylistic choices and sleep schedule.

Jameson Resident Still Waiting for Good Reason to Punch Roommate in Teeth

JAMESON HALL — For almost a full month, Jared Lake, a freshman in the College of Arts & Sciences, has been waiting impatiently for any reason at all allowing him to punch his roommate in the teeth without being reprimanded.

“One wrong move. He just needs to make one wrong move and I’ll have carte blanche to knock that guy’s lights out,” Lake quietly muttered to himself under his breath while his roommate was cutting his toenails onto their carpet.

The roommate has allegedly been playing music without headphones and not locking the door to their room, transgressions which Lake believes are unfortunately too docile to warrant breaking anyone’s nose over.

“If he could just steal money from me, or open my mail or something, that would be enough to justify a swift blow to the jawbone and my problems would be over. But until that happens, I’m just going to have to live with his stupid 7:00am alarm clock.”

When asked for comment, Lake’s roommate replied that he too was desperately waiting for a punch in the face so that he could finally request a roommate who isn’t a misanthropic asshole.

Freshman Bummed To Be in Forced 3200-Person Dorm Room

JAMESON HALL – Upon arriving at Cornell this past week to begin his collegiate career, Vishwajit Patel ’19 discovered that he was unfortunately placed into a forced 3200-person room in Jameson Hall.

“Man, I requested to be placed into a double, but now I’m stuck sharing my room with 3,199 other people. This blows,” said the freshman, trying to fit his things into a six square inch area to leave room for the majority of the freshman class that would also be living in a room intended to fit only two students.

“I mean it’s cool that I’ll get to know more people because they’re all my roommates, but I can’t even figure out how I’m going to work at my desk with thousands of crammed bodies all around me!” added Patel from underneath a pile of his fellow classmates.

After explaining his living situation to his new friend Donna Jansen ’19, it was reported that Jansen would have gladly switch rooms with Patel, however Patel turned down the offer when he discovered Jansen lived in Low Rise 6.

Late Housing Lottery Time-Slot Forces Skorton Off Campus

A.D. WHITE HOUSE — As the final moments of the housing lottery came to a close, President Skorton acknowledged his ultimate failure at securing a room on campus for the upcoming academic year.

“I had hoped to block with my friend Beth Garrett because she had the best time-slot,” Skorton sighed.  “But she totally ditched Kent Fuchs and me at the last minute.  Now we’ve got no place to live.”

Skorton discussed the possibility of living with Susan Murphy, who had apparently found off-campus housing in the annex of a fraternity that had lost its charter. “I was really banking on living on campus next year, so I’m kind of screwed.  All of the apartments in collegetown are booked, and there’s no way I’m living in Schuyler.  That place is weird.  And far.”

At press time, Skorton was found pricing futons on Craigslist and measuring floor space in Olin Library.

Both Roommates Waiting for Right Time to Put Up Katy Perry Poster

DICKSON HALL- Even after being at school for over a month, sources state that roommates Jesse Turner and Dean Mathers and both still waiting for the right time to put up their respective Katy Perry posters.

“I love Katy Perry, that’s for sure. I just don’t want anyone to know,” professed Mathers, who keeps all his Katy Perry music nested within several folders on his computer labeled “Secret,” “Confidential,” and “Seriously Don’t Open This Folder.”

“The last thing I want is to be judged for having an opinion that not everyone else shares. I will listen to whatever music you want me to.”

Dean’s roommate reacted similarly when confronted about his fanhood.

“Katy Perry? What? No! I don’t listen to Katy Perry! That’s ridiculous!” claimed Turner. “She only has like four or five good songs. Yeah, like I’ve heard them but I don’t listen to them ever. I bought all of her albums as a joke! Ever heard of a joke before?”

Upon entering their room, both Turner and Mathers could be seen closing iTunes and slamming their laptops shut while trying to act casual.

Namesake of Building, John Henry Highrise V, Dead at 92

CAYUGA MEDICAL CENTER – Late last night, Cayuga Medical Center announced the tragic news that Cornell alumnus of the Class of ’40 and well-known philanthropist John Henry Highrise V passed away after a long battle with serious illness.

Highrise V will be best remembered by his donations that made possible the construction of the North Campus dorm that he famously envisioned as “big. Also, inconveniently located and physically unattractive, but mostly big.”

When asked how he felt about the passing of the namesake of his dormitory, Andrew Mueller ’18 commented, “It’s a real shame to hear about his death. When I think about how this man worked his whole life to provide me the opportunity to walk up six flights of stairs every day to my forced triple, realize that the paper-thin walls make it too loud to work, and walk twenty minutes just to get to the nearest library, I just hope that I can do something more worthwhile with my money.”

Highrise V is survived by his sons, John Henry Highrise VI and Edmund Highrise, and by his wife, Eleanor Physical-Sciences.