Lonely Freshman Makes Zoom Background Statler Room To Give Impression He’s Social Enough To Get Contact Traced

CLARA DICKSON HALL – In a desperate attempt to impress his peers, Jonah Brockston ’24 tried to highlight just how many people he has interacted with by changing his background to a quarantine room in Statler.

“It could’ve been from that massive party I went to this weekend at that one fraternity with all the hot girls,” Brockston explained to his online freshman writing seminar while double fisting a White Claw and a Keystone. “But it’s so hard to tell. I’ve seen so many people in the last 10-14 days that I can’t even keep track.”

Brockston kept up the act during class, going off-mute several times to take obviously fake phone calls from his purported friends and gratuitously coughing throughout the meeting. His transparent charade confused fellow classmates.

“I don’t understand why he thinks this makes him look cool,” said a bewildered Estefania Sanchez ’24. “If he broke social distancing guidelines or got COVID, it isn’t something to joke about. He 100% didn’t, but, you know, in theory.” 

After class, Brockston sat alone in his Dickson dorm room and reported himself for a Behavioral Compact Violation so he could post about it on Instagram. 


Weird New COVID Guidelines Recommend Making Direct Eye Contact with Employees During Surveillance Testing

BARTELS HALL—In a move that many students and staffers have deemed “confusing” and “kind of creepy,” Cornell’s new guidelines to help prevent the spread of COVID-19 included a suggestion that students undergoing surveillance tests should stare directly at their tester as they count down from ten.

“I was confused when the latest email from Cornell Health directed us to ‘cautiously but firmly eye your tester while tracing your hand in broad, arcing circles about your nostril,’” said Emily Nguyen ‘23. “I’m no doctor, but I don’t understand how this is supposed to help keep COVID under control on campus.”

The guidelines, which also suggest that those being tested should begin the process by “softly and sensually whispering your NetID into the employee’s ear like an agent in some clandestine operation, transferring sensitive information that only they can know,” has been met with a tepid response from the student body.

“I guess they haven’t screwed up so far, so it’s only fair to give them the benefit of the doubt,” said Murray Evanson ‘24. “A little bit of evidence would be nice, though. I clicked on a link at the bottom of the page that said it would give more information about the change, but it just took me straight to Dr. Anthony Fauci’s bio on the Weill notable alumni page.”

Recent records indicate that since Cornell implemented the new policy, positive COVID tests at the school have dropped to zero per day.


Student Who Hates Her Roommates Intentionally Gets COVID to Isolate in Statler

THE STATLER HOTEL— Ellie Rosario ‘23 intentionally exposed herself to the novel coronavirus earlier this week in an attempt to escape “the cunts (Jessica Dunst ‘22, Annie Patterson ‘22, and Minnie Davis ‘22) [she] lives with.” 

When one of her sorority sisters, Alice May ‘22, mentioned her boyfriend on the lacrosse team had recently tested positive, Rosario sped over to her apartment, proceeding to frantically lick various doorknobs and tissues in their waste bin. She and May would both go on to develop COVID-19. 

“I know it’s frowned upon to get corona on purpose, but I had to get out of this house for a couple weeks,” said Rosario. “I signed this lease last September before I knew Jessica was a sociopathic liar who can’t stop talking down to other people for no reason.”

Despite multiple trips to the emergency room and a fever of 102 degrees, she says she is enjoying her current “bitch vacation. “At least here I know Annie won’t steal my clothes and then act like she just bought the exact same thing,” added Rosario.

When asked why these new cases weren’t added to COVID-19 dashboard, Cornell explained that all of the students who tested positive in this case cluster were Virgos who couldn’t be added to the dashboard until Mercury was in retrograde.

Bold Champion of Health and Safety Gives Courageous Glare to No-Masker

HO PLAZA—Hoda Dabiri ‘23 took a fearless stand in the name of health and wellness when she lightly furrowed her brow at a mask-less passerby while walking to her only in-person class this Thursday.

“I definitely considered saying something, but I decided against it,” said the breathless defender of the campus community. “Instead I just sorta squinted my eyes to let them know that I strongly disapprove.”

The forceful message was entirely lost on the no-masked student, who could not distinguish any change in expression from behind Dabiri’s face mask and sunglasses.

“Oh, she glared at me? I didn’t even notice,” responded Justin Cold ‘24 . “If she had just reminded out loud me to put my mask on, I probably would have done it.”

Following the incident, Dabiri took a well-deserved break from being on the vanguard of the pandemic response by scrolling through Instagram and passively judging all her friends that posted pictures in a group without masks.

Ivy League Athletes Overjoyed They Can Always Say They “Would’ve Been Good This Season”

FRIEDMAN STRENGTH AND CONDITIONING CENTER—Following the NCAA’s cancellation of spring athletes’ season, Cornell student-athletes were giddy to tell their fans and friends that this year was different, and they would have won it all.

“This season was definitely the one. Our coach purchased us these new clubs with carbon fiber which totally will take our driving to the next level,” said men’s golf captain Max Goodwin ’20, who jumped at the chance to talk about how his breakout season was prematurely ended. “Yeah I was shooting the same score as last year in practice, but I know I was about to figure it all out.”

“I can’t believe my season was cut short,” complained Julia Fisher ’21. “Last season my chronic toe twitch devastating our season, but now that I’m better I’m confident I’d have lead us to the championship.”

As of press time, both Goodwin and Fisher have advised their friends and families not to open ESPN’s preseason power rankings.