Lonely Freshman Makes Zoom Background Statler Room To Give Impression He’s Social Enough To Get Contact Traced

CLARA DICKSON HALL – In a desperate attempt to impress his peers, Jonah Brockston ’24 tried to highlight just how many people he has interacted with by changing his background to a quarantine room in Statler.

“It could’ve been from that massive party I went to this weekend at that one fraternity with all the hot girls,” Brockston explained to his online freshman writing seminar while double fisting a White Claw and a Keystone. “But it’s so hard to tell. I’ve seen so many people in the last 10-14 days that I can’t even keep track.”

Brockston kept up the act during class, going off-mute several times to take obviously fake phone calls from his purported friends and gratuitously coughing throughout the meeting. His transparent charade confused fellow classmates.

“I don’t understand why he thinks this makes him look cool,” said a bewildered Estefania Sanchez ’24. “If he broke social distancing guidelines or got COVID, it isn’t something to joke about. He 100% didn’t, but, you know, in theory.” 

After class, Brockston sat alone in his Dickson dorm room and reported himself for a Behavioral Compact Violation so he could post about it on Instagram. 


Like This!