ZOOM—Last Thursday, Hilda Bowers ‘23 zoomed into her online Math 3930 prelim only to be informed that new restrictions to prevent cheating required that she fit her hands, face, and big juicy butt into the frame of the camera. “I understand why they want to see my eye movements and what I’m writing on the…
In a move as predictable as the changing of the seasons or frats violating COVID protocols, Cornell’s switch to in-person instruction has been celebrated by students who will once again be complaining about the class format in 48 hours, tops. “I can’t wait to be back on campus and moving around instead of sitting in…
SCHOELLKOPF FIELD—In keeping with some of their fondest college memories, members of Cornell’s class of 2020 were thrilled to learn that many events originally planned for the weekend’s in-person homecoming had been canceled or made virtual at the last minute, much as they recalled the latter days of their college lives. “It’s exactly how I…
CLARA DICKSON HALL – In a desperate attempt to impress his peers, Jonah Brockston ’24 tried to highlight just how many people he has interacted with by changing his background to a quarantine room in Statler. “It could’ve been from that massive party I went to this weekend at that one fraternity with all the…
COLLEGETOWN—Brad Michelson ‘23 has recently taken steps to make his fellow Introductory Economics students aware of the fact that he and his girlfriend regularly engage in sex. As Michelson and his girlfriend, Anita Kripke ‘23, can no longer terrorize Temple of Zeus go-ers with their self-made softcore porn due to social distancing and face covering…
I’m an intelligent guy. I got a four on the AP Biology exam three years ago, so I’d say I know pretty much everything there is to know about science. So when my BIOG 2020 professor seemingly addressed a question to my female classmate this morning, I knew I had to jump in. It’s not…
PHILLIPS HALL—Students were left horrified this Tuesday after senior lecturer Timothy Ostgarden paused his 8 am lecture to remark, “Now, I’m not sure if they’ll let me say these days,” before embarking on a thirty minute screed against women, minorities, the LGBT community, and the Irish. “I’m disappointed in Dr. Ostgarden, to be honest,” said…
Gurgle gurgle. Growl. Grrrrrrr. Slosh. Slosh. Slosh. Burble. Grrrnrn. GrrrRRRRrrrr. Glurp gleep glorp. I am tummy, and it is time for class. Pop pop. Snurglesnurglesnurgle. Splish. Sploosh. Brrrrrrrooooooooppppplllleeeeee. GRRrrrrr. Brurhuriruruh? Boop. It’s brave of you to have your mic turned on right now, within gurgling distance. Ploosh. Gululuululugugglugulgulg. Blub blub. Grumble. DAIRY ALERT WEE WOO…
Ok guys, here’s the dilemma: today, during my 3:05 Macro Econ class, I noticed Josh’s navy comforter wasn’t crumpled and strewn across his bed like usual. The day was going so well – I had found the good lighting and my best angle before joining the zoom call and pinning Josh like I do every…
WILMINGTON, DE—Following a rallying end-of-semester speech from Salsa Club’s president, G-Body members were left staring at a Zoom dialogue box after meeting host VP Doug Bowens ’21 brazenly chose the “End Meeting for All” function. “This was my last club meeting as a Cornell student,” reminisced woeful President Devon Andes ’20, awkwardly closing the dialogue box…
