Tag Archives: Zoom

2020 Grads Excited to Relive Glory Days of Having Things Canceled by COVID

SCHOELLKOPF FIELD—In keeping with some of their fondest college memories, members of Cornell’s class of 2020 were thrilled to learn that many events originally planned for the weekend’s in-person homecoming had been canceled or made virtual at the last minute, much as they recalled the latter days of their college Read More

Lonely Freshman Makes Zoom Background Statler Room To Give Impression He’s Social Enough To Get Contact Traced

CLARA DICKSON HALL – In a desperate attempt to impress his peers, Jonah Brockston ’24 tried to highlight just how many people he has interacted with by changing his background to a quarantine room in Statler. “It could’ve been from that massive party I went to this weekend at that Read More

Student Strategically Includes Girlfriend in Zoom Frame to “Flex on those Fucking Virgins”

COLLEGETOWN—Brad Michelson ‘23 has recently taken steps to make his fellow Introductory Economics students aware of the fact that he and his girlfriend regularly engage in sex.  As Michelson and his girlfriend, Anita Kripke ‘23, can no longer terrorize Temple of Zeus go-ers with their self-made softcore porn due to Read More

OP-ED: If the Professor’s Question Was Really Addressed to a Woman, Then Why Did I Answer It?

I’m an intelligent guy. I got a four on the AP Biology exam three years ago, so I’d say I know pretty much everything there is to know about science. So when my BIOG 2020 professor seemingly addressed a question to my female classmate this morning, I knew I had Read More

“I’m Not Sure If They’ll Let Me Say This These Days,” Says Senior Lecturer About to Say Most Horrifying Thing You’ve Ever Heard

PHILLIPS HALL—Students were left horrified this Tuesday after senior lecturer Timothy Ostgarden paused his 8 am lecture to remark, “Now, I’m not sure if they’ll let me say these days,” before embarking on a thirty minute screed against women, minorities, the LGBT community, and the Irish. “I’m disappointed in Dr. Read More

OP-ED: Gurgle Gurgle (By: Your Tummy During Zoom lecture)

Gurgle gurgle. Growl. Grrrrrrr. Slosh. Slosh. Slosh. Burble. Grrrnrn. GrrrRRRRrrrr. Glurp gleep glorp. I am tummy, and it is time for class. Pop pop. Snurglesnurglesnurgle. Splish. Sploosh. Brrrrrrrooooooooppppplllleeeeee. GRRrrrrr. Brurhuriruruh? Boop. It’s brave of you to have your mic turned on right now, within gurgling distance. Ploosh. Gululuululugugglugulgulg.  Blub blub. Read More

OP-ED: What Does it Mean That My Zoom Crush Made His Bed Today?

Ok guys, here’s the dilemma: today, during my 3:05 Macro Econ class, I noticed Josh’s navy comforter wasn’t crumpled and strewn across his bed like usual. The day was going so well – I had found the good lighting and my best angle before joining the zoom call and pinning Read More

Presumptuous Host Ends Meeting For All

WILMINGTON, DE—Following a rallying end-of-semester speech from Salsa Club’s president, G-Body members were left staring at a Zoom dialogue box after meeting host VP Doug Bowens ’21 brazenly chose the “End Meeting for All” function.  “This was my last club meeting as a Cornell student,” reminisced woeful President Devon Andes ’20, Read More

Student’s Parents Excited To Attend Virtual Slope Day Concert Too

PORTLAND, OR—Parents of Julius Saratoga ‘21 have been counting down the days until the upcoming Virtual Slope Day Concert. “When Jules mentioned the concert, I thought it was a fantastic opportunity for us to have some family bonding time!” said his mother Elena Saratoga. “He mentioned that some folks named Read More

50 Students in Zoom Patiently Waiting For 2-Person Side Conversation to End

ZOOM SERVERS—Members of the Cornell Flyer project team have spent the last 90 seconds sitting patiently on the team meeting Zoom call while teammates Sarah Chen ’21 and Jacob Thomas ’22 engaged in an ongoing discussion about a TV show they both like. “I was all set to ask a Read More