ZOOM—Last Thursday, Hilda Bowers ‘23 zoomed into her online Math 3930 prelim only to be informed that new restrictions to prevent cheating required that she fit her hands, face, and big juicy butt into the frame of the camera.
“I understand why they want to see my eye movements and what I’m writing on the paper,” Bowers explained, “but my whole ass too?” Bowers wiggled her backside suggestively. “Isn’t this enormous romper a bit too much to handle for the unfortunate flat-butted souls in my class? Honestly, I’d be distracted too if I was deriving a complex equation only to be confronted by the absolute glory of someone’s perfectly round buttocks shoved in my face.”
Bowers and her classmates found themselves struggling to complete the exam while contorting their bodies into ridiculous positions in order to fit the required body parts into the camera frame. One student removed his head, holding it aloft like the Headless Horseman, while another took the exam while hanging upside down like a bat. Christian Nome ‘22, unable to move his beautifully round backside into the required position, failed to answer a single question on the exam, instead spending the allotted time crying about the intense body dysmorphia he felt watching his peers stretch their bodies in ways that would make Mr. Fantastic jealous.
“It really is all to prevent cheating,” Professor Johnson, who teaches Math 3930, explained. “How can I know if a student has hidden a cheat sheet into the crack of their delicious pink cheeks? This standard also applies to all students, so I resent any accusation that I’m discriminating against those large of booty. After all, I’m a big fan of plentiful posteriors. No, seriously, I love an enlarged rear, a prominent pair of buns, a colossal keister.”
Professor Johnson further guarantees that, due to the new requirements, no student could possibly have half-assed the prelim.