Nooz Explains: How To Ask Acquaintances Who Might Be A Narc If They Want to Take Online Prelim Together

Both beloved and hated, the online prelim represents the crosssection of two axioms all Cornell students know to be true: prelims fucking suck and everyone is cheating. Unique from other schools’ tawdry tests or even… exams, prelims are the true inquisition into the twenty-year-old student’s (who is intelligent but not too smart or they’d have attended Harvard) mind. Yet some evil, decrepit, no-good groups of students have the gall, nay shamelessness, to cheat on this hallowed tradition. 

That leaves each student with one option: How can I cheat with the smartest people I kind of know, without getting ratted out? Worry not, friend, for we are here to explain with a simple three-step plan for undetectable academic mischief: select a target, gaslight, and strike a deal.

The first step, target selection, is deceptively complex. See, we would all love to cheat off the smartest student in class, the one we all know is going to set the curve. But that person is almost certainly a narc, a teachers’ pet, or some sort of Machiavellian sadist who derives pleasure from learning. So cheat off the second or third smartest student in class, who knows the answers but is insecure enough to think giving you the answers might be worth it.

After separating the frailest genius from the herd, it’s time to gaslight. Casually drop into conversation your fictitious 4.33 GPA, perfect prelim scores, and glowing recommendations from past professors. Ask them their scores and scoff openly at anything less than a 96. You want to convince them that they need you, despite how absurdly obvious it may be that they do not. 

Once you have them believing that they will fail the next exam while you pass with flying colors, you’re ready to pop the question. Ask them if they would like to have you check over their answers, since they are so worried about doing poorly. You would be happy to help them out if they really want it. But what if they catch you, they ask? Risk means nothing to you if it means helping a friend in need. After that, you’re all set to mooch your way to academic success, and you got them to ask you with nothing more than your wits and some light psychological manipulation! Congratulations, you benevolent monster!

Unreasonable Body Expectations? Online Prelim Requires Me To Fit My Hands, Face, and Whole Ass In Camera Frame

ZOOM—Last Thursday, Hilda Bowers ‘23 zoomed into her online Math 3930 prelim only to be informed that new restrictions to prevent cheating required that she fit her hands, face, and big juicy butt into the frame of the camera.

“I understand why they want to see my eye movements and what I’m writing on the paper,” Bowers explained, “but my whole ass too?” Bowers wiggled her backside suggestively. “Isn’t this enormous romper a bit too much to handle for the unfortunate flat-butted souls in my class? Honestly, I’d be distracted too if I was deriving a complex equation only to be confronted by the absolute glory of someone’s perfectly round buttocks shoved in my face.”

Bowers and her classmates found themselves struggling to complete the exam while contorting their bodies into ridiculous positions in order to fit the required body parts into the camera frame. One student removed his head, holding it aloft like the Headless Horseman, while another took the exam while hanging upside down like a bat. Christian Nome ‘22, unable to move his beautifully round backside into the required position, failed to answer a single question on the exam, instead spending the allotted time crying about the intense body dysmorphia he felt watching his peers stretch their bodies in ways that would make Mr. Fantastic jealous.

“It really is all to prevent cheating,” Professor Johnson, who teaches Math 3930, explained. “How can I know if a student has hidden a cheat sheet into the crack of their delicious pink cheeks? This standard also applies to all students, so I resent any accusation that I’m discriminating against those large of booty. After all, I’m a big fan of plentiful posteriors. No, seriously, I love an enlarged rear, a prominent pair of buns, a colossal keister.”

Professor Johnson further guarantees that, due to the new requirements, no student could possibly have half-assed the prelim.

Professor Six Chapters Behind in Lecture Going to Put All That Shit in Final Anyways

ROCKEFELLER HALL—After a semester in which the bulk of the material was pushed to the last few days of class, Professor James Kent ‘88 has decided the best solution is to just assume all his students know it anyways and put it all in the final exam.

“I’m so sorry I couldn’t get to this material in class,” explained Professor Kent to his Monday Economics section. “But these six chapters are no more dense than the six chapters we covered in the three months prior to now. Therefore, we should have no trouble skimming through all six in one fifty-minute lecture, holding one office hours section, and then basing sixty percent of your grade on that knowledge I never taught.”

Professor Kent then moved on to a lecture in which he, at the speed of a freshman sprinting across the Arts Quad, described in vague detail everything from GDP calculation to Philips curves to applications of economic theory to modern politics. Students furiously scribbled in notebooks as the professor casually mentioned concepts on which he would base entire free response questions on the class’s cumulative exam in one week.

“Honestly, I got about a third of that,” admitted Matthew Kroger ‘25. “He lost me at the inflation stuff, and I had no idea what to make of the whole Krebs cycle thing. I think he accidentally started teaching us biology there for a few minutes, but I don’t know, maybe it has something to do with supply and demand? Seriously, is this what college is? Like, sure, I haven’t shown up to most of my sections, but I expected better from a tenured professor.” At the time, Professor Kent was giving a one-minute overview of game theory, a topic that would make up about a third of the final exam.

Asked to comment, Professor Kent stated that he is aware that the grades on the final will likely be abysmal, but that he was planning on curving everyone’s grade to a C+ anyways.

Inconsiderate Asshole Keeps Crying During Prelim

BAILEY HALL—After completing a grueling organic chemistry prelim, students confirmed it wouldn’t have been so bad if some selfish asshole hadn’t been sobbing uncontrollably the whole time.

“I couldn’t believe what a dick the guy sitting in front of me was,” Elena Martinez ‘24 said of the bawler. “How is anyone supposed to focus on the polarity of organic molecules while that douchebag is crying his eyes out? God, some people just have no sense of self-awareness. It’s not your fucking therapy session, dipshit.”

The weeping student, identified by several sources as “that asshat Matthew Belk,” reportedly began sniffling after only a quarter of the allotted time had passed. Apparently overwhelmed by his own incompetence, the sophomore soon broke down into pathetic whimpering that would extend throughout the entire remaining hour of the exam. Even sympathizers suggested Belk behaved like “a spoiled brat with a public humiliation kink.”

“Look, I get where he’s coming from—I was on the verge of tears once or twice myself—but goddamn, I haven’t seen waterworks that impressive since I visited Niagara Falls,” said Rithika Gupta ‘23. “There was so much blubber I thought I must’ve accidentally walked into an oceanography prelim.”

At press time, university officials were developing a series of levees to mitigate the damages when the snivelling little bitch gets his score back.

Professor Edges Naughty Class by Not Releasing Practice Prelim Until 24 Hours Before the Exam

MALOTT HALL一Students in MUSIC 2212: History of Classical Composition were left panting in anticipation after Dr. Gregory Schreier announced that he would not release the practice prelim until the day before the exam as punishment for being very, very naughty.

“In my class, if you want the practice exam, you have to earn it,” said Schreier, or BachAndBallTorture69, as he prefers to be addressed online. “I don’t release my practice tests until students are pleading and crying from how bad they need it. Sometimes as a special treat I wait until they’re all riled up, and then I delete all information about the exam entirely.”

Flushed and shaking MUSIC 2212 students revealed between gasps that this was the latest in a long line of sadistic behavior on Schreier’s part.

“I’d long suspected this class was some sort of elaborate power trip, but I never thought it would get this bad,” said Sylvester James ‘24. “He told us he wanted to make us suffer, but that’s pretty standard for Cornell. I guess when he started coming to class in Latex bodysuits I should have realized something was up,” he said, adjusting the front of his mandatory catgirl maid uniform in the hopes Schreier would call him a “good boy.”

At press time, Schreier was forced to give the entire class A’s after a student shouted the safeword of “course evals.”

Compassionate Professor Plays Calming Music During Prelim They Will Curve To A 65% Average

GATES HALLIn a heartwarming acknowledgment of the incredibly stressful environment his students are living in, one kind-hearted computer science professor put soothing music on during a prelim that he predetermined would be curved to an average of a near-failing grade.

“The last few weeks have been stressful for my students. I saw them Zooming in with bags under their eyes and almost falling asleep in class and knew I had to do something,” said Professor John Snays. “So for our prelim, I shared my computer sound and played ‘lo-fi beats to study to’ on Youtube while I calculated how far I could get the class average to drop in one go.”

Students described Professor Snays going all out to provide a calm test-taking atmosphere, noting that he also burned incense and made his Zoom background a GIF of a burning fireplace. However, the Zen-like state of the Zoom room was not quite powerful enough to cure the students of the ulcers they developed preparing for the exam in the first place. 

“Yeah, sure, the Zoom aesthetic was nice, but he still hasn’t released any grade information beyond a Canvas announcement with the subject line ‘Disappointed in You All,’” mentioned Jesse Linerb ‘22. “Like, he wished us all good luck and everything right before the test, but I heard him laughing maniacally when I passed by his office a couple hours after the turn-in deadline.” 

Following the exam, leaked screenshots emerged of an easy question added to destress the students asking whether the sky was blue, which included the answer “All of the above” placed above the “Yes” option.


Freshman Who Slept Through Prelim Hoping Curve Will Save Him

BAKER LAB — In the lecture following their second prelim, pre-med student Aaron Hale ‘23 nervously reassured his CHEM 2070 classmates that, despite missing the prelim last Thursday, the curve should definitely bring him up to at least a C. 

“I mean, basically the same thing happened last time,” muttered Hale to himself, whose grade was curved from 63% to 78% on the first prelim. “I’m sure a 0% should curve to at least a 65% on this exam, right? I can’t be the only one who slept through it, right!?”

According to Hale’s roommate, Joshua Park ‘23, Hale, who had only gotten three hours of sleep the night before, left dinner at 7:15 on Thursday to “cram” for his 7:30 exam, only to be found asleep on a couch in the Appel lounge at 7:25.

“When he came back I asked him how the prelim went, but he kept avoiding the question,” recalled Park. “Instead, he just spent, like, twenty minutes explaining that seeing your GPA improve over time is ‘actually a positive for med school.’”

At press time, Hale was seen nervously refreshing his r/cornell Reddit post asking how much freshman year grades “really matter” for medical school admissions. 

Professor Bans Graphing Calculators During Prelims, Says Nothing About Rotisserie Chicken

ROCKEFELLER HALL – In an attempt to prevent his students from cheating, Physics Professor Karl Nussbaum has banned the use of advanced calculators on his exams, although he surprisingly has said nothing about the use of rotisserie chicken.

“When Professor Nussbaum said that graphing calculators were not allowed, everyone in the lecture hall looked at each other, simultaneously wondering why he also hadn’t banned rotisserie chicken during the prelim. Maybe it just slipped his mind,” remarked Leopold Kelley ‘19.

Unbeknownst to Professor Nussbaum, rotisserie chickens have been a popular cheating device for students since the rotisserie was invented in 1777. For millennia, audacious students have placed rotisserie chickens on their desks during exams and stuffed notes up the glazed chicken anal canal.

When asked about his decision to not ban the chickens, Professor Nussbaum said, “What?”

Sources confirmed that for free leftover rotisserie chicken, students should make sure to visit Uris G01 after the next physics prelim ends. There should be plenty to go around, but remember to remove the notes from the anus first.