Nooz Staff March 4, 2021

Student Strategically Includes Girlfriend in Zoom Frame to “Flex on those Fucking Virgins”

COLLEGETOWN—Brad Michelson ‘23 has recently taken steps to make his fellow Introductory Economics students aware of the fact that he and his girlfriend regularly engage in sex. 

As Michelson and his girlfriend, Anita Kripke ‘23, can no longer terrorize Temple of Zeus go-ers with their self-made softcore porn due to social distancing and face covering requirements, they have moved onto the virtual sphere to parade their heterosexuality around. As one of the three students who keeps his camera on during lecture, his careful orchestration of the Zoom frame was evident to everyone else in the class. 

“It started out with strange Zoom camera angles,” said one anonymous classmate. “He literally would only show a colorful collection of hickeys on camera. Like, just his neck. No face or anything. Break-out rooms were so awkward.”

Michelson reportedly began slowly inching his girlfriend closer into view with every subsequent lecture, purportedly “craning his neck in impossible ways to make sure everyone could tell that the vague figure in the background was in fact the girlfriend in question.”

According to a chat he “accidentally” sent to everyone, “the only curves the losers in this class get to see are PPF curves.” Kripke was seen laughing on camera after the message was sent out.

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