Relationship Between Animal Science Professor and Lab Tech Draws Criticisms After Revelation That They Began Working Together When She Was Just A Calf

FRANK MORRISON HALL—Animal Science Professor Dr. Cleetus Conroy came under fire from campus critics this week after the revelation that his long standing relationship with one of the lab’s research cows began when she was only a calf. While many had looked fondly upon the human-cattle couple, this new discovery has ignited a hotbed of debate surrounding the pair.

“It’s so easy to judge from afar,” said Dr. Conroy, smiling sweetly towards his bovine lover. “Randie and I have an unspoken bond between us, one that connects her cow soul to my human one. I mean, age is just a number, and species is just a bunch of latin gobbledygook.”

While Dr. Conroy maintains that he waited until the ‘appropriate’ time to begin their relationship, other members of the lab claim that the romance began while Randie was still sucking colostrum. In addition, lab employees have accused Dr. Conroy of inappropriate conduct, making crass comments, and “excessive milking.”

“MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO,” stated Randie, in what Dr. Conroy explained was an impassioned proclamation of the love that they shared for one another. Dr. Conroy then placed his arm around the cow’s midsection in a manner that can only be described as “uncomfortable”.

Despite remaining committed to one another throughout the ongoing scandal, the couple’s relationship is reportedly on the rocks after Dr. Conroy was spotted whispering sweet nothings into the ear of a particularly plump rooster.

Only Two Conventionally Attractive Members of Orientation Group Already a Couple

ROBERT PURCELL COMMUNITY CENTER—Despite having known each other for a mere six days, Brian Furman ‘26 and Evan Adames ‘26—the shining stars of a fairly dim orientation group—have already entered into a relationship.

“After giving the rest of the group a quick once-over, it was love at first sight,” said Adames. “Bri-Bri and I just have so much in common. Like, we’re both hot—how crazy is that?! I’m so glad to have found a diamond in the rough.”

While the rest of their orientation group participated in icebreakers, the flame of love was enough to thaw the straits between Furman and Adames. They were further entangled by failed attempts to score beer in Collegetown and a surprisingly sensual diversity, equity, and inclusion training session (described by onlookers as “pretty inappropriate”).

“Kevin just seems really cool,” said Furman, apparently in reference to Adames. “It’s like, not only is he hot, he’s also really smart. When we were in Collegetown that one time—dude, it was crazy—he came, like, super close to getting us into that rager. It was the best moment of my life.”

At press time, Furman and Adames had “mutually agreed” to break off their torrid romance after noticing additional attractive people.

Valentine’s Day Perfectly Coincides with Tom and Stephanie’s 23rd Day Anniversary

ITHACA—The stars have once again aligned for young lovers Thomas “Tom” Wayman ‘22 and Stephanie French ‘22. This February 14th, in addition to Valentine’s Day, the couple will also celebrate their 23rd consecutive day together. 

“When the universe aligns like this, it just shows that Stephanie and I are meant to be,” boasted Wayman. “She’s really one of a kind. It’s so rare to find a girl who’s shy around people she doesn’t really know, but who can be really outgoing once you get to know her better.”

Although the pair have only been dating for less than a month, friends of the couple have frequently remarked about the couple’s “extreme closeness.” 

“Ever since Tom and Stephanie made it official, they’ve spent every second together. They eat every meal with each other and he sleeps over every night. They just adopted their third dog together and yesterday I saw them shopping for baby clothes,” reported French’s roommate Maeve Sweeny ‘22. 

Wayman and French have also begun planning for their 30th day anniversary, which, by yet another fortuitous coincidence, overlaps with Canada’s National Family Day.

Couple Spends Hours Putting Together Costume Blissfully Unaware They Will Break Up That Night

COLLEGETOWN — Over the past few weeks, Alessia Newman ’22 and Brett Chen ’22 poured dozens of hours into perfecting their Ash and Pikachu couples costume to wear for Halloween, not knowing that they would get in a fight that night that would result in their break-up. 

“They say that working together is important for couples to grow closer, so I’ve really valued putting this together with Brett,” said Newman. “It was tough coming up with a costume at first because we don’t have a ton of shared interests, but when Brett was really adamant about this idea, I came to realize maybe it wasn’t so dumb after all.”

Newman noted that Halloween weekend corresponded with the couple’s six-month anniversary, a “happy coincidence” that Chen appeared to have forgotten about entirely. Still, the lame-duck boyfriend expressed excitement over the weekend’s festivities.

“Oh man, Lessie is gonna look so hot in that Pikachu costume,” Brett remarked. “And it’s so cool that we were totally on the same page about this! It’s really great how she’s always happy to go along with my ideas on this stuff.”

At press time, trouble was already brewing as the brothers at Beta Sigma Gamma began referring to Newman as “the Super Sweetheart” upon the couple’s arrival at the night’s party.

“Begone You Wretched Wench” Whispers Medieval History Major As He Unmatches With Girl His Friend Also Matched With

ITHACA—All appeared well for medieval history major Elliot Peters ‘23 as he engaged in the initial small-talk over Tinder to his latest match, high on the satisfaction of their incredible conversation, the type of conversation that Peters found a rarity on the app. Or so he thought. 

Peters’ evening went downhill faster than a loose wagon of turnips once he showed his roommate Olaf Gardner ‘22 the newfound love of his life. Must to Mr. Peters’ chagrin, Mr. Gardner was already well acquainted with his paramour; he had also matched with her. Not only had Gardner shared an equally charming conversation with the young maiden in question, but they had met before and had been continually chatting since then. 

This devastating blow hit Peters like a trebuchet to the heart. He whispered, so faintly under his breath that it was almost imperceptible: “begone you wretched wench.” His suitemates watched in silence as he solemnly opened her Tinder profile and swiftly unmatched her. 

“It was so fucking strange. It was like he thought he was in Lord Of The Rings, or something,” said Griffin Swaak, ‘23, one of Peters’s roommates, before continuing, “I was kinda lost at first. Like, did this guy just refer to a woman like she was a Dark Age-barmaid in 2021? I knew he was a Game of Thrones fan but, holy shit.”

Peters has since deleted his Tinder account and begun sending his prospective lovers letters written via ink and quill inviting them to “dine at his feast and partake in merry diversions.”

Student Strategically Includes Girlfriend in Zoom Frame to “Flex on those Fucking Virgins”

COLLEGETOWN—Brad Michelson ‘23 has recently taken steps to make his fellow Introductory Economics students aware of the fact that he and his girlfriend regularly engage in sex. 

As Michelson and his girlfriend, Anita Kripke ‘23, can no longer terrorize Temple of Zeus go-ers with their self-made softcore porn due to social distancing and face covering requirements, they have moved onto the virtual sphere to parade their heterosexuality around. As one of the three students who keeps his camera on during lecture, his careful orchestration of the Zoom frame was evident to everyone else in the class. 

“It started out with strange Zoom camera angles,” said one anonymous classmate. “He literally would only show a colorful collection of hickeys on camera. Like, just his neck. No face or anything. Break-out rooms were so awkward.”

Michelson reportedly began slowly inching his girlfriend closer into view with every subsequent lecture, purportedly “craning his neck in impossible ways to make sure everyone could tell that the vague figure in the background was in fact the girlfriend in question.”

According to a chat he “accidentally” sent to everyone, “the only curves the losers in this class get to see are PPF curves.” Kripke was seen laughing on camera after the message was sent out.

Hometown Tinder Reveals Just How Much of an Elitist Fuck Student Has Become

When Richard Pierce ’24 hopped on Tinder after returning home for Thanksgiving break, his visceral disdain upon seeing girls that went to the local State school revealed that he had, in fact, become a private university trust fund elitist piece of shit. 

“It’s just, I’ve had a different type of life than they’ve had, you know? My standards have changed,” stated the pompous asshole who got roundly rejected from all of his top-choice schools. “I’m just not attracted to ‘those’ kinds of girls anymore.” 

Pierce had many hashtags under his profile, including “30under30” and “ivyleaguemoney,” despite the fact that he was virtually silent in all his classes and none of his Professors or TAs could pick him out in a crowd. He’d also recently changed all his photos to ones of himself posing in the Arts Quad, President Pollack poorly photoshopped into the background . 

When asked about his friend’s recent Tinder exploits, his friend Jonathan Hile ’23 said, “He’s got a lot of fucking nerve, especially considering how this semester alone I’ve watched him blackout drunk ass-up licking broken Taki crumbs off the floor on at least three separate occasions.” 

Pierce’s new stance, however, has not left him without potential partners. “I’ve recently matched with someone from Harvard, so I’m thrilled to finally be getting that quality of mate that someone of my standard deserves.” 

 His Harvard match was last quoted saying “I’d never fuck someone from a Fake Ivy,” as she swiftly unmatched him.

“I Need A New Frank Ocean Album,” Says Student Who Actually Just Needs To Get Over His Ex

TACOMA—For the third time this month, Parker Shaw ‘23 posted a screenshot of Frank Ocean’s “Self Control” to his Instagram story, captioned “need a new Frank album ASAP.” Shaw has long awaited his musical therapy, spending the early hours of every day since August wallowing in a deep melancholy devoid of any self-awareness.

“It’s gotten out of hand,” says Shaw’s suitemate Charlie Sedaris ‘23, “I had to move from our double into the single that opened up when our buddy dropped out after his first Orgo exam because he never left the room. He kept talking about how much he misses her and how a new Frank album would ‘hit.”’

Blonde, a genre-bending masterpiece that illustrates the peaks and valleys of love and heartbreak throughout young adulthood, has been in near constant rotation for Shaw ever since his girlfriend of six weeks “dumped” him prior to the start of the semester. “Brittany” (who asked to be named pseudonymously for fear of being associated with “that sad sack of shit”) ended their brief relationship on account of the “distance driven between them by Covid.” Both parties lived on West campus this semester. 

In the three months since, Shaw—nicknamed Saddington Bear by friends—has grown ever fixated on the prospect of a new release from Ocean. “I love the album, but even the “Nights” beatswitch gets predictable when you hear someone sobbing on-beat through the drywall every goddamn night over a girl he dated for less than half the time he’s spent wallowing in misery,” added Lonnie Breaux ‘23, another one of Shaw’s suitmates.

When asked if he’s listened to Endless or Nostalgia Ultra, Shaw appeared puzzled, asking, “who are those by?” revealing that he is not just a loser, but also a fucking poser.

OP-ED: What Does it Mean That My Zoom Crush Made His Bed Today?

Ok guys, here’s the dilemma: today, during my 3:05 Macro Econ class, I noticed Josh’s navy comforter wasn’t crumpled and strewn across his bed like usual. The day was going so well – I had found the good lighting and my best angle before joining the zoom call and pinning Josh like I do every Tuesday and Thursday.  This total cutie is usually the highlight of my online classes, but my heart sunk once I realized my favorite virtual himbo had made his bed today.

This seriously disrupts my 7-stage plan to have a conversation with him and my larger 17-point program to get his number.  Does this mean that he’s going to have a girl over?  No one just decides to change their morning routine like that! Oh god, this means I’m never going to get his grandmother’s ring at our wedding in the Hamptons, doesn’t it?

I mean, it’s one thing to fluff a pillow or two.  That’s something you do for friends.  Even throwing all the blankets on the bed could be a favor for a roommate.  But those sheets are crispy and tucked and washed by the look of it.  Holy crap, he even OxiCleaned the marinara sauce stain on his topsheet that I noticed in lecture last week!

I’ve already ruled out the possibility of family being in town – his sister is in Chicago based on Snap Maps, his mom is on the docket for a case today in Philly, and his Dad’s tinder account shows him over 1k miles away.  

There’s still time for me to thwart this and get our lives back on track. All it’ll take is a Court-Kay-Bauer fire alarm and a chance disappearance of one (probably very bitchy and horrible and rude) girl. All for us.

Shit! What’s a fixed residential investment again? I totally missed that.

Girl on First Date Worried if Taking Her Mask Off is Too Forward

IITHACA COMMONS—Wary of coming across as desperate on a first date, local single Jimena Perez ’21 was unsure if removing her mask would be too bold.

“I feel like I have to walk on eggshells when meeting a guy for the first time,” sighed Perez. “To be honest, I’d be perfectly fine skipping all the small talk. But at the same time, I don’t mind taking it slow.”

“I hate the whole double standard thing. Maybe I’m just old fashioned but I kind of like it when the guy asks me to remove my mask,” said Perez’s friend Katie O’Connor ’22. “But if Jimena wants to take her mask off, fucking go get it girl,” added O’Connor.

Perez ultimately decided against removing her mask, citing her desire to play coy with her droplets. At press time, Perez’s male counterpart was overheard asking her, “So do you want to come over to my place now and hookup or something?”