Nooz Staff December 4, 2020

Hometown Tinder Reveals Just How Much of an Elitist Fuck Student Has Become

When Richard Pierce ’24 hopped on Tinder after returning home for Thanksgiving break, his visceral disdain upon seeing girls that went to the local State school revealed that he had, in fact, become a private university trust fund elitist piece of shit. 

“It’s just, I’ve had a different type of life than they’ve had, you know? My standards have changed,” stated the pompous asshole who got roundly rejected from all of his top-choice schools. “I’m just not attracted to ‘those’ kinds of girls anymore.” 

Pierce had many hashtags under his profile, including “30under30” and “ivyleaguemoney,” despite the fact that he was virtually silent in all his classes and none of his Professors or TAs could pick him out in a crowd. He’d also recently changed all his photos to ones of himself posing in the Arts Quad, President Pollack poorly photoshopped into the background . 

When asked about his friend’s recent Tinder exploits, his friend Jonathan Hile ’23 said, “He’s got a lot of fucking nerve, especially considering how this semester alone I’ve watched him blackout drunk ass-up licking broken Taki crumbs off the floor on at least three separate occasions.” 

Pierce’s new stance, however, has not left him without potential partners. “I’ve recently matched with someone from Harvard, so I’m thrilled to finally be getting that quality of mate that someone of my standard deserves.” 

 His Harvard match was last quoted saying “I’d never fuck someone from a Fake Ivy,” as she swiftly unmatched him.

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