STATLER HALL–Many were gripped by shock and awe today as what looked to be a procession of animated undead corpses made their way across central campus. Upon further investigation by campus officials, it seemed that the would-be arbiters of Armageddon turned out to be attending an investment banking information session.
A witness to the ghastly advance, John Balbus ‘24, had this to say about his experience:
“I was leaving the library in Statler and then I saw them. Hundreds of bodies, all slowly filling in like floodwater seeping into a basement. You couldn’t feel a single drop of warmth or humanity. One looked directly at me, a vast black abyss in his eyes… I couldn’t run, I couldn’t breathe, I was frozen. I thought I was drowning.”
Some reported that the mass of unholy thirsted for single-family homes and pension funds. Others heard groans emanating from the crowd, including what seemed to be the words “bulge bracket”, “superday”, and “discounted cash flow”. So far, no injuries or casualties have been reported, save for a faculty member who was mistaken for a visiting Morgan Stanley banker, and was subsequently overrun by a group of living-dead asking about “firm culture”.
A passerby near the end of the supernatural session, Cecil Stanley ‘26, had this comment:
“I saw one of the creepiest parts of that day… At the end of whatever those things were doing, every single one went up to this other zombie up front. Each and every one took their hand, shoved it into the hand of the other zombie, and then vigorously vibrated their hand. I would call it a handshake, but it looked more like some kind of stabbing and gutting. The line was so long it blocked off my route, so I had to hide and watch this…ritual…for 2 hours.”
Onlookers say that the crowd dispersed after 3 to 4 hours, and most slowly wandered back into the night. Officials checked gravesites and found that almost all still had their bodies buried properly, so the origin of this rising is as of yet unknown. As a precautionary measure, students have been told to stay away from Statler Hall, Warren Hall, and Mann Library during evening and night hours.
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