Nooz Staff April 29, 2021

“Begone You Wretched Wench” Whispers Medieval History Major As He Unmatches With Girl His Friend Also Matched With

ITHACA—All appeared well for medieval history major Elliot Peters ‘23 as he engaged in the initial small-talk over Tinder to his latest match, high on the satisfaction of their incredible conversation, the type of conversation that Peters found a rarity on the app. Or so he thought. 

Peters’ evening went downhill faster than a loose wagon of turnips once he showed his roommate Olaf Gardner ‘22 the newfound love of his life. Must to Mr. Peters’ chagrin, Mr. Gardner was already well acquainted with his paramour; he had also matched with her. Not only had Gardner shared an equally charming conversation with the young maiden in question, but they had met before and had been continually chatting since then. 

This devastating blow hit Peters like a trebuchet to the heart. He whispered, so faintly under his breath that it was almost imperceptible: “begone you wretched wench.” His suitemates watched in silence as he solemnly opened her Tinder profile and swiftly unmatched her. 

“It was so fucking strange. It was like he thought he was in Lord Of The Rings, or something,” said Griffin Swaak, ‘23, one of Peters’s roommates, before continuing, “I was kinda lost at first. Like, did this guy just refer to a woman like she was a Dark Age-barmaid in 2021? I knew he was a Game of Thrones fan but, holy shit.”

Peters has since deleted his Tinder account and begun sending his prospective lovers letters written via ink and quill inviting them to “dine at his feast and partake in merry diversions.”

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