“Begone You Wretched Wench” Whispers Medieval History Major As He Unmatches With Girl His Friend Also Matched With

ITHACA—All appeared well for medieval history major Elliot Peters ‘23 as he engaged in the initial small-talk over Tinder to his latest match, high on the satisfaction of their incredible conversation, the type of conversation that Peters found a rarity on the app. Or so he thought. 

Peters’ evening went downhill faster than a loose wagon of turnips once he showed his roommate Olaf Gardner ‘22 the newfound love of his life. Must to Mr. Peters’ chagrin, Mr. Gardner was already well acquainted with his paramour; he had also matched with her. Not only had Gardner shared an equally charming conversation with the young maiden in question, but they had met before and had been continually chatting since then. 

This devastating blow hit Peters like a trebuchet to the heart. He whispered, so faintly under his breath that it was almost imperceptible: “begone you wretched wench.” His suitemates watched in silence as he solemnly opened her Tinder profile and swiftly unmatched her. 

“It was so fucking strange. It was like he thought he was in Lord Of The Rings, or something,” said Griffin Swaak, ‘23, one of Peters’s roommates, before continuing, “I was kinda lost at first. Like, did this guy just refer to a woman like she was a Dark Age-barmaid in 2021? I knew he was a Game of Thrones fan but, holy shit.”

Peters has since deleted his Tinder account and begun sending his prospective lovers letters written via ink and quill inviting them to “dine at his feast and partake in merry diversions.”

University Historians Discover Shocking “Except For Christians” Clause in “Any Person, Any Study” Motto

RARE MANUSCRIPTS COLLECTION, URIS LIBRARY  – Holding a flickering candle up to the aged, yellowed tomes of the university’s founding documents, University Historian Eliana Helversum was horrified to uncover a long-forgotten amendment to Cornell’s motto explicitly barring Christians from attending the university.  

“I can’t believe it…” whispered Helversum. “After all this time of near-ubiquitous societal and administrative support, and nationally immense influence of the Christian church in shaping political discourse, this is clear proof of Cornell’s discrimination against the Christian faith.”

The actual amendment, written in Ezra Cornell’s own handwriting, is marked with a large red asterisk at the end of the statement that corresponds to a “No Christians” note at the bottom of the page.

Vice President of Student Life, Ryan Lombardi, voiced his concerns about the discovery as well. “I can only imagine how hard it must be for those poor, poor Christians on campus right now. I just hope that they can manage to find some support from the sparse resources available for Christian students on campus, such as CRU Cornell, Cornell Christian Students, Cornell United Religious Works, Chesterton House, Cornell Catholics, Cornell Christian Science, and InterVarsity Christian Fellowship, and the four full-time faculty of the Christian Union.”

At press time, Helversum also unearthed an old Daily Sun Op-Ed by Ezra Cornell arguing that the university should be less inclusive to Christians. 

Humanities Not Dead, Just Sleeping

GOLDWIN SMITH HALL—Despite the rumors that the humanities are dead, faculty and students at Cornell firmly believe that they are, in fact, only sleeping.

“It’s only natural that the humanities would need a break,” explained Art History Professor Nick Chen. “They mattered for thousands of years, and a discipline can’t go on mattering like that forever. At some point they just need a deep, dreamless rest. But not in a dead way.”

Humanities majors across the College of Arts and Sciences are insistent that not only will disciplines like History soon have a Renaissance, but also that fellow students will eventually stop making fun of their majors.

“In my philosophy class, we’ve discussed philosophies of death from Plato to Heidegger,” said Aiden Woodcomb ‘19. “Death is a truth of life. It’s absolutely undeniable; you cannot deny when a thing is dead. But anyway, yeah, the humanities are totally fine and I’ll definitely find a job soon.”

Although students passionately maintain that the humanities are only sleeping, Foundations of Modern Literature hasn’t had class in two weeks and it seems pretty certain that the professor is actually dead.

“Hallelujah, The Rainy Season Has Come!” Cry Ithaca Dust Bowl Farmers

TOMPKINS COUNTY — Hundreds of dustbowl farmers in the greater Tompkins County area are rejoicing at the coming of the rain, after months of drought brought no crops to their land.

“Madge! Madge, get out here, you’re not gonna believe this!” cried Ernest Young, finally seeing the thick storm clouds form overhead and drop a deluge like it was manna from heaven. Young and his wife reportedly ran outside and danced in the muddy earth, their prayers having been answered for the coming harvest.

Honest folk all across the plains said they “had never seen anything like it, this year’s yield is ought to be more bountiful than anything before and anything since. Tell the boys to wire President Roosevelt, tell him we’ve been saved!”

“The men from the bank were gonna shut down our homestead if the grain didn’t grow,” said Jebediah Nelson of Watkins Farm, “but the sky done opened up and let loose a God given miracle. Praise our Lord!”

The celebrations for the return of life-giving water to the valley soon ended when the migrant workers realized they had to walk around Ithaca in the mud all day and decided to stay inside.