Student Strategically Includes Girlfriend in Zoom Frame to “Flex on those Fucking Virgins”

COLLEGETOWN—Brad Michelson ‘23 has recently taken steps to make his fellow Introductory Economics students aware of the fact that he and his girlfriend regularly engage in sex. 

As Michelson and his girlfriend, Anita Kripke ‘23, can no longer terrorize Temple of Zeus go-ers with their self-made softcore porn due to social distancing and face covering requirements, they have moved onto the virtual sphere to parade their heterosexuality around. As one of the three students who keeps his camera on during lecture, his careful orchestration of the Zoom frame was evident to everyone else in the class. 

“It started out with strange Zoom camera angles,” said one anonymous classmate. “He literally would only show a colorful collection of hickeys on camera. Like, just his neck. No face or anything. Break-out rooms were so awkward.”

Michelson reportedly began slowly inching his girlfriend closer into view with every subsequent lecture, purportedly “craning his neck in impossible ways to make sure everyone could tell that the vague figure in the background was in fact the girlfriend in question.”

According to a chat he “accidentally” sent to everyone, “the only curves the losers in this class get to see are PPF curves.” Kripke was seen laughing on camera after the message was sent out.

Freshman Gives Up On Losing Virginity After Failing to Hook Up During O-Week

MEWS HALL– After failing to hook up during his first weekend of college, Freshman Jonny Waters is convinced that he will never fulfill his dream of losing his virginity and will therefore remain celibate for the rest of his life.

“I went to a ton of parties, met some girls, but wasn’t able to seal the deal,” Jonny said while searching on Amazon for chastity belts. “I even got a girl’s number on the first night of O-week, and I thought that in a few days I would’ve hooked up with her at least three or four times.”

“Going into the weekend, I told myself that if I’ll ever have sex, it’s now or never. And apparently, it’s going to be never,” Jonny mumbled, while gloomily looking at a box of condoms still in the shrink wrap that he then chucked into the garbage fully knowing they were never going to be used.

However, Jonny is taking the news in stride, as he was seen in his lounge adding a one gallon bottle of hand lotion to his Amazon order.