Tag Archives: Relationships

Students Too Sad to Masturbate Until Tomorrow or Friday Probably

7d7d4f1744b8710875b33876e24c4050

CORNELL CAMPUS – Following the results of the 2016 presidential election, much to the chagrin and disappointment of a large portion of the overly liberal Cornell campus, reports indicate that many students are far too sad to masturbate and will likely stay that way until tomorrow or Friday at the Read More

Couple’s Cigarette and Lung Costume A Good Sign They’re Breaking Up Soon

cigarettelung

COLLEGETOWN — Actively indicating they will destabilize their crumbling relationship by the end of the night, juniors Katie Riley and Jason Daniels arrived at a Halloween party in a cigarette and lung couple costume, a pretty good sign that they will soon be breaking up. “We’re going through a rough Read More

OP-ED: With the Daily Sun Printing Less, What Will I Cut Eyeholes Out of To Spy on My Ex?

newspapereyeholes

By Trey Dean, Concerned Ithacan We all know that printed newspapers are a dying medium, and invariably in the future everything will transition online. But I’ve been a loyal fan of the Cornell Daily Sun for year, and now that they’ve announced their reduced printing schedule, I can’t help but Read More

Supreme Court Decision Won’t Change Mom’s Opinion About Motorcycle-Riding Bradley

bad-boys

Following the Supreme Court decision this past Friday legalizing gay marriage in all 50 states, honor student Timothy Adler ’17 and notorious bad-boy Bradley announced their intention to get engaged, much to the chagrin of Adler’s mom. “Don’t get me wrong, I’m very accepting of my son and I’m thrilled Read More

Student Thinks of Female Friend ‘As a Sister’ Who He Would Still Have Sex With if Offered

relationship

ITHACA, NY — Sources close to Cornell Student Aaron Lau ’15 say that Lau views female friend Kaitlyn Douglas ’15 “as a sister,” but indicate that Lau “would definitely still have sex” with Douglas if she offered. “Me and Kaitlyn have been friends since freshman orientation,” Lau told CU Nooz. Read More