OP-ED: I Came To Cornell To Find A Husband But All I Got Was A World-Class Education

Many a year ago, when I still had about me the sprightly air of youth, I had felt myself most fortunate to have secured entrance into a finishing school where I was to polish those homemaking topics which are appropriate to the instruction of a young lady: pianoforte, embroidery, multivariate calculus, continental philosophy, organic chemistry, and Swahili. My Papa had assured me that it was here, at Upstate New York’s finest charm school, that I would secure my future with a most advantageous marriage. 

I was even to be wedded, once. It was four springs ago, under the wisteria blossoms in the Arboretum, that I gazed modestly upon the gentleman to whom I was sure I would be betrothed by the end of my first spring at Cornell. Alas, my betrothal to this titled young lad was not to be. He was torn away from me, summoned to the warfront. When I learnt of his conscription to the brave ranks of the ROTC, my young heart was wrought with worry. He promised to write to me, and for many seasons I awaited word from him. Over two long winters, I gazed wistfully into the blank expanse of snowy Ithaca and shed sparkling tears over the horrible prospects that he was surely facing. Did he have enough to eat at the depleted Okenshield’s mess hall? Did his toes ache from cold through his threadbare boots as he crossed the impenetrable tundra known ominously as the “Engineering Quadrangle?”. Alas, I was to receive no reassurances, no word to salve my wondering heart. 

It was during this time that I began to wither. Subject to the hardships of Cornell life, I slowly surrendered the rosy glow of girlhood. I developed calluses, aches, and an unbecomingly straightforward manner of speaking. Where I was to find feminine instruction and a husband, I instead found moral corruption, drunkenness, revelry, and promiscuity. Worst of all, I was saddled with the heaviest and most useless burden a woman can carry: a world class education. 

The indignities of my condition as an educated woman are myriad. I live the most reprehensible life possible—a life of the mind. I oft find myself engaging in unladylike belligerence when I address men directly as my equal, unconsciously goaded on by the many centuries of knowledge and rhetoric that now fill my soul like a bile. It is a hideous affliction, education. My Mama, who worked so tirelessly to instill in me the virtues of ladyhood, would faint if she saw how crude I have become since my exposure to the grand projects of humanity’s quest for understanding. 

Neither feminine instruction nor a suitable husband could Cornell deliver; I instead found myself in the throes of corruption. The young men, whom I had been assured were of the most genteel background, conduct themselves as would barnyard animals. 

All this has qualified me only for spinsterhood and dissatisfaction, and I have become resigned to my fate. I shall pass the last days of my life in an attic somewhere, growing ever more shrewish and haggard, with only the dim light of self-actualization and accrued knowledge of the great texts of the Western canon to illuminate the space. The devil himself would pity my bargain; trading an ivory dress for the ivory tower. I think, therefore I am forever alone. Fie upon Cornell, miserable bastion of learning!

Couple Spends Hours Putting Together Costume Blissfully Unaware They Will Break Up That Night

COLLEGETOWN — Over the past few weeks, Alessia Newman ’22 and Brett Chen ’22 poured dozens of hours into perfecting their Ash and Pikachu couples costume to wear for Halloween, not knowing that they would get in a fight that night that would result in their break-up. 

“They say that working together is important for couples to grow closer, so I’ve really valued putting this together with Brett,” said Newman. “It was tough coming up with a costume at first because we don’t have a ton of shared interests, but when Brett was really adamant about this idea, I came to realize maybe it wasn’t so dumb after all.”

Newman noted that Halloween weekend corresponded with the couple’s six-month anniversary, a “happy coincidence” that Chen appeared to have forgotten about entirely. Still, the lame-duck boyfriend expressed excitement over the weekend’s festivities.

“Oh man, Lessie is gonna look so hot in that Pikachu costume,” Brett remarked. “And it’s so cool that we were totally on the same page about this! It’s really great how she’s always happy to go along with my ideas on this stuff.”

At press time, trouble was already brewing as the brothers at Beta Sigma Gamma began referring to Newman as “the Super Sweetheart” upon the couple’s arrival at the night’s party.

Student Strategically Includes Girlfriend in Zoom Frame to “Flex on those Fucking Virgins”

COLLEGETOWN—Brad Michelson ‘23 has recently taken steps to make his fellow Introductory Economics students aware of the fact that he and his girlfriend regularly engage in sex. 

As Michelson and his girlfriend, Anita Kripke ‘23, can no longer terrorize Temple of Zeus go-ers with their self-made softcore porn due to social distancing and face covering requirements, they have moved onto the virtual sphere to parade their heterosexuality around. As one of the three students who keeps his camera on during lecture, his careful orchestration of the Zoom frame was evident to everyone else in the class. 

“It started out with strange Zoom camera angles,” said one anonymous classmate. “He literally would only show a colorful collection of hickeys on camera. Like, just his neck. No face or anything. Break-out rooms were so awkward.”

Michelson reportedly began slowly inching his girlfriend closer into view with every subsequent lecture, purportedly “craning his neck in impossible ways to make sure everyone could tell that the vague figure in the background was in fact the girlfriend in question.”

According to a chat he “accidentally” sent to everyone, “the only curves the losers in this class get to see are PPF curves.” Kripke was seen laughing on camera after the message was sent out.

Panicked Student Relieved After Googling “Is Urine Burning A COVID Symptom?”

MORRISTOWN, NJ—An immense feeling of relief washed over Anthony Moses ’23 after his routine trip to the restroom suddenly became the subject of intense research on the symptoms of the COVID-19 virus, in fear that he had contracted the deadly disease after experiencing a burning sensation as he urinated.

“It was terrifying,” remarked Moses before continuing, “I felt my life flash before my eyes. I had met up with a new girl from Tinder the night before and it didn’t even occur to me that she could’ve had the ‘Rona until I woke up. Thank God the first page of Google has a list of symptoms otherwise I would’ve had to get tested, like I had an infectious disease or something.”

Thankfully for Moses, neither the CDC nor any other credible health organization has found painful urination to be a symptom of the virus which has been considered a global pandemic since March. A burning sensation whilst urinating is often associated with another viral disease, which Moses seemed to have no knowledge of.

“I’m no ginger, but oh boy do I feel like a firecrotch!” exclaimed the sophomore when asked if he had any theories about the source of his calamity. “Honestly, I’m just relieved that I don’t have to quarantine, that would be such a cockblock. I have another Tinder hookup coming over and it would’ve been a total bummer to cancel on this rocket.”

When asked if he had purchased condoms in anticipation of his guest’s arrival, Moses appeared puzzled at the concept, replying: “I wear a mask so I don’t get COVID, but I wouldn’t wear a poncho on Splash Mountain, kinda defeats the point, you know? Stay safe, but Live Mas.”

Only Woman In Comp. Sci. Class Turns Down Fourth Invitation To Play Dungeons and Dragons This Week

RICHMOND, VA—In a devastating blow to the egos of students who watch Big Bang Theory, Alicia Iturbide ‘22, the sole female student in CS 4200,  has denied her fourth invitation to play Dungeons and Dragons this week.

“Turning Carl down was kind of a no-brainer, to be honest,” Iturbide said of Carl Werther ‘21, the most recent man to invite her to a night of non-sexual role-play. “The only other time he’d spoken to me was to assume I needed help on an assignment I’d already finished. Plus, he told me I was the most beautiful woman he’d ever seen, but I never actually turned on my camera in that class.”

Iturbide was no stranger to other unwanted romantic solicitations. Three other men in her class also privately messaged her on Zoom this semester, and after a prompt rejection, went directly to the Cornell subreddit to vent their frustrations, instead of dedicating their energies to form a genuine friendship with a woman. 

“I can’t believe Alicia wouldn’t play Dungeons and Dragons with me!” Werther reported. “While I may be the fourth guy to ask her this week, I was the first one to create a character for her that encompasses her very soul. It’s like looking into a photograph,” he said, indicating a drawing that was clearly just a tracing of Galadriel from Lord of the Rings with the addition of uncomfortably large and detailed feet.

At press time, Werther could be seen hurriedly changing the character of Aélicìa the Elven Queen to Alicia the Stupid Bitch.

“I Need A New Frank Ocean Album,” Says Student Who Actually Just Needs To Get Over His Ex

TACOMA—For the third time this month, Parker Shaw ‘23 posted a screenshot of Frank Ocean’s “Self Control” to his Instagram story, captioned “need a new Frank album ASAP.” Shaw has long awaited his musical therapy, spending the early hours of every day since August wallowing in a deep melancholy devoid of any self-awareness.

“It’s gotten out of hand,” says Shaw’s suitemate Charlie Sedaris ‘23, “I had to move from our double into the single that opened up when our buddy dropped out after his first Orgo exam because he never left the room. He kept talking about how much he misses her and how a new Frank album would ‘hit.”’

Blonde, a genre-bending masterpiece that illustrates the peaks and valleys of love and heartbreak throughout young adulthood, has been in near constant rotation for Shaw ever since his girlfriend of six weeks “dumped” him prior to the start of the semester. “Brittany” (who asked to be named pseudonymously for fear of being associated with “that sad sack of shit”) ended their brief relationship on account of the “distance driven between them by Covid.” Both parties lived on West campus this semester. 

In the three months since, Shaw—nicknamed Saddington Bear by friends—has grown ever fixated on the prospect of a new release from Ocean. “I love the album, but even the “Nights” beatswitch gets predictable when you hear someone sobbing on-beat through the drywall every goddamn night over a girl he dated for less than half the time he’s spent wallowing in misery,” added Lonnie Breaux ‘23, another one of Shaw’s suitmates.

When asked if he’s listened to Endless or Nostalgia Ultra, Shaw appeared puzzled, asking, “who are those by?” revealing that he is not just a loser, but also a fucking poser.

Student Terminates Human Development Course at 12 Weeks

MARTHA VAN RENSSELAER HALLWith the “Drop” period coming to a close this Wednesday, sophomore Human Development major Sasha Wither ’23 exercised her legal right to choose by dropping a class from her schedule 12 weeks into the semester.

“I am so thankful I live in a country where I can decide for myself to abort an unwanted decision,” said Withers, speaking of her recently-dropped class HD 1111: Adolescent Behaviors. “If I was forced to carry that class to term, it would have seriously impacted my physical and emotional health.”

At the start of the semester, Wither added the class after a drunken night with her then-boyfriend, although he pressured her to avoid the heavy load. After 12 weeks, Wither’s coursework only kept growing, and she began to have serious regrets about the viability of seeing the class to completion. 

“I just realized at 19 that this is not what I wanted for my life,” added Withers, “I would’ve neglected that class if I kept in on my schedule. Not to mention, my boyfriend wouldn’t have helped me with the work, even though he is partly responsible.”

As for the future, Withers noted confidently that she would not feel ashamed if she had to do the process again. “I mean, the class doesn’t mind! It doesn’t even feel pain. It’s just a few pixels on Student Center.”

White Kid with Asian Girlfriend Pretty Confident He Can Make Dumplings for His Family

NEWPORT, RI—Sophomore Brian Dennings ‘22 displayed an exceptionally high amount of misplaced self-confidence in his ability to make authentic dumplings, simply because his “girlfriend is Chinese.”

“How hard could it actually be?” Dennings asked. “My girlfriend makes dumplings for her family all the time, and just because her mom taught her how to cook them over the course of years doesn’t mean I can’t nail it using a recipe I found online on my first try.”

Dennings FaceTimed his girlfriend, Jennifer Liang ‘22, to ignorantly flaunt his disastrous, so-called progress. 

“Well, I couldn’t find any ground pork or chicken, but we did have precooked frozen meatballs, so I par cooked them in the microwave and threw ‘em in,” Dennings asserted with a Napoleon-invading-Russia-in-the-winter level of unwarranted certainty. “And while we didn’t have any cabbage, I got some storebrand coleslaw, so it’ll probably work. Right, babe?”

“I’m worried for the safety of his family,” lamented Liang. “I tried to tell him that you can’t use canned French-fried onions as a substitute for chopped scallions, but he swears he’s seen me do it before… which he most definitely has not.” 

Dennings proceeded to iron his “dumplings” closed, making the self-assured—and categorically false—claim that “the Chinese use steam in every step of the process.”

BDSM Fanatic Asks Human Bonding Professor Why They Haven’t Covered “the Kinky Stuff” in Class Yet

PORTLAND, OR—When Professor Hazan of HD 3620: Human Bonding asked the 700-person lecture if there were any questions before wrapping up, BDSM fanatic Ryan Homans ‘23 asked why they have yet to cover the “kinky stuff” in the course curriculum.

“We’re already half-way through the semester and we haven’t even discussed the most basic topics like triple hand fisting and steel cable bondage,” said a frustrated Homans. “I thought by now we’d at least be learning about sex swing dynamics and how to determine the initial angle for optimal rapid-fire penetration.”

Before Professor Hazan could respond, Homans pulled up the course description, expressing confusion as to why “non-human primate attachment” did not mention animal roleplay once.

“It was either this course or petitioning to do my own independent study on the teacher-schoolgirl fetish,” said Homans. “I thought that lectures would consist of in-class demonstrations, so I figured taking Human Bonding would be more beneficial to my ‘learning’. Instead, she’s just talking about attachment theory and the science of attractiveness. Really vanilla stuff.”

Homans was later seen in Professor Hazan’s office hours, electrocuting his member every time he got a question wrong.

Student Drops Boyfriend After Realizing He’s as Much Work as a 3 Credit Course

BEDROOM—As the drop deadline quickly approaches and her virtual classes begin to pile on work, Sara Gomez ‘21, has been tempted to cut down on her commitments by dropping her time consuming boyfriend. 

“I’m taking Linear Algebra, Organic Chemistry, Computational Genomics, Electromagnetism, and my boyfriend Jack,” she explained. After Zooming with academic advisors, and going into the dark web to finally find her DUST report, Gomez realized she needs all the courses she’s taking to graduate on time. But she doesn’t need to take Jack. 

“Jack and I typically meet from 10:10-11:00 MWF. Outside of this ‘class-time’, I spend about 30 minutes a day going to my friends’ office hours to complain about him and get advice,” said Gomez while nervously cross-checking her Student Center with her color-coded Google Calendar. “We have a weekly discussion section about our relationship, but sometimes he skips because he doesn’t want to review the material. I guess Jack is about a 3 credit course.” 

In a quick email to Jack, Gomez addressed her need to spend more time on her other classes, despite learning a lot from him. She also acknowledged Jack’s failure to live up to the promises in his course description, which stated that they would both partake in “lively discussion” and that he would “foster her interests”. 

When asked if she could perhaps drop her 3 hours a week of virtual Bread Club meetings or even just watch fewer reruns of Friends and The Office in order to keep Jack and her classes, Gomez declined, citing that she still “has priorities.”