Nooz Staff May 17, 2020

White Kid with Asian Girlfriend Pretty Confident He Can Make Dumplings for His Family

NEWPORT, RI—Sophomore Brian Dennings ‘22 displayed an exceptionally high amount of misplaced self-confidence in his ability to make authentic dumplings, simply because his “girlfriend is Chinese.”

“How hard could it actually be?” Dennings asked. “My girlfriend makes dumplings for her family all the time, and just because her mom taught her how to cook them over the course of years doesn’t mean I can’t nail it using a recipe I found online on my first try.”

Dennings FaceTimed his girlfriend, Jennifer Liang ‘22, to ignorantly flaunt his disastrous, so-called progress. 

“Well, I couldn’t find any ground pork or chicken, but we did have precooked frozen meatballs, so I par cooked them in the microwave and threw ‘em in,” Dennings asserted with a Napoleon-invading-Russia-in-the-winter level of unwarranted certainty. “And while we didn’t have any cabbage, I got some storebrand coleslaw, so it’ll probably work. Right, babe?”

“I’m worried for the safety of his family,” lamented Liang. “I tried to tell him that you can’t use canned French-fried onions as a substitute for chopped scallions, but he swears he’s seen me do it before… which he most definitely has not.” 

Dennings proceeded to iron his “dumplings” closed, making the self-assured—and categorically false—claim that “the Chinese use steam in every step of the process.”

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