Nooz Staff October 2, 2020

OP-ED: What Does it Mean That My Zoom Crush Made His Bed Today?

Ok guys, here’s the dilemma: today, during my 3:05 Macro Econ class, I noticed Josh’s navy comforter wasn’t crumpled and strewn across his bed like usual. The day was going so well – I had found the good lighting and my best angle before joining the zoom call and pinning Josh like I do every Tuesday and Thursday.  This total cutie is usually the highlight of my online classes, but my heart sunk once I realized my favorite virtual himbo had made his bed today.

This seriously disrupts my 7-stage plan to have a conversation with him and my larger 17-point program to get his number.  Does this mean that he’s going to have a girl over?  No one just decides to change their morning routine like that! Oh god, this means I’m never going to get his grandmother’s ring at our wedding in the Hamptons, doesn’t it?

I mean, it’s one thing to fluff a pillow or two.  That’s something you do for friends.  Even throwing all the blankets on the bed could be a favor for a roommate.  But those sheets are crispy and tucked and washed by the look of it.  Holy crap, he even OxiCleaned the marinara sauce stain on his topsheet that I noticed in lecture last week!

I’ve already ruled out the possibility of family being in town – his sister is in Chicago based on Snap Maps, his mom is on the docket for a case today in Philly, and his Dad’s tinder account shows him over 1k miles away.  

There’s still time for me to thwart this and get our lives back on track. All it’ll take is a Court-Kay-Bauer fire alarm and a chance disappearance of one (probably very bitchy and horrible and rude) girl. All for us.

Shit! What’s a fixed residential investment again? I totally missed that.

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