Nooz Staff October 5, 2020

SA Elections Rocked by Controversy in Transparent Attempt to Emulate Real-Life Democracy

Photo credit: Annie Wang/Sun File Photo via Cornell Daily Sun
Photo credit: Annie Wang/Sun File Photo via Cornell Daily Sun

WILLARD STRAIGHT HALL—While some attribute the mismanaged Student Assembly election and subsequent re-vote to sheer ineptitude, many critics have identified the undergraduate governing body’s utter ballot-bungling as an attempt to replicate the workings of real-life democracy.

In a nine-paragraph essay published to the Cornell Subreddit, election-truther George Blast ‘21 levied pointed accusations against the Assembly. “The sheeps in the student body are accepting the cover story being fed down their throats…as if Ivy League students running an identically formatted election on the same software every year for the last half dozen years could botch the rank-choice voting system.” This must be deliberate, he posited.

“It’s clear as day,” said Dayana Poe ‘22, a government major active in CPU, the school’s foremost bastion of sophisticated political thought, “that the SA felt they lost credibility due to the Trevor Davis joke candidacy of 2019, and now they’re attempting to establish their real-world democratic acumen by handling Cornell’s election with competence on par with that of countries such as the United States, Bolivia, and Russia.”

“It’s genius, if you really think about it,” Blast further contended. “Just think of the Iowa primaries.  Those really made you think – ‘wow, that’s real governance at work.’ Look at how Congress went the extra-mile and provided every state with the freedom to raise their own money to secure their elections. How thoughtful! The Student Assembly is trying to say to us – this is the real world, and we’re gonna be as dysfunctional as any governing body with actual power.”

Ryan Hanahan ‘22, a self-proclaimed election analyst who recently completed a summer WebDev internship at FiveThirtyEight, predicts that the SA will continue its ruse by delaying the release of the election results, cementing its status as a organization up to date with and equipped to carry out all the latest injuries to popular sovereignty. 

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