DAY HALL 一 Student protestors participating in the first Maskless Monday protest against Cornell’s masking policy were met by the repulsive aroma of a sweaty, virginal freshman’s dorm room as CUPD Riot Police sought to disperse the protest.
“At first I didn’t know what scents were hitting my bare, uncovered nose,” said Chasten Miles ‘25. “The flavors of dead rat, gamer sweat, rotten food from Nastie’s… it smelled weirdly familiar. It was only when I started seeing upperclassmen faint from the odor, and the freshman protestors sort of just shrug it off, that I realized I was smelling the despair and disgust of a freshman dorm in tear gas form.”
The deployment of Freshman Dorm Smell tear gas is banned under the Geneva Convention, but Cornell’s use of the brutal protest suppressor demonstrated the administration’s desire to prevent the Maskless Monday protests from growing further. Leaders of the Maskless Monday Movement have reportedly already filed a complaint against Cornell at the United Nations for the use of this illegal, deadly chemical.
“Use of this toxin does not come to us lightly,” explained Cornell Riot Police Chief Reston Angler. “We reserve the right to deploy Freshman Dorm Smell only when a peaceful protest descends into an illegal, violent riot. The effects have been proven to work: if rioters don’t faint immediately from the smell, they cry profusely at the deep sorrow contained within it and convulse from the enriched chemical compounds of Gamer Sweat and Halitosis. Unfortunately, it doesn’t have any effect on freshmen themselves, since they’re kinda used to it.”
As the gas was being deployed Monday, protest leaders, many of them frat brothers, reportedly screamed “GAS MASKS ON!” only to yell, “Sike!”, high-fiving and laughing in their commitment to the Anti-Mask cause as they began to lose consciousness and became immobilized from the stench.
GOLDWIN SMITH HALL—Attending his Intro to American Politics course, proud conservative virgin Gerald Dumfries ‘23 began openly praising Texas’s new restrictive abortion ban, despite the fact that due to a combination of his inner and outer repulsiveness, it will be physically impossible for him to ever impregnate anyone.
“Look, I’m a supporter of women’s rights, even though women find me absolutely noxious. Nevertheless, we have to morally consider the right to life of the fetus. And by we, I mean everyone else, because I literally will never be forced to make that choice.”
Dumfries argued that Texas was righting a critical error in the nation’s history by overturning Roe v. Wade, but lamented that unlike America’s far-right Supreme Court, girls simply wouldn’t give him a fair hearing. “Now that abortion will hopefully be made illegal across the land, girls may find my lack of sexual fertility a very appealing characteristic. After all, who needs legal, safe abortions when your mate can’t even get you pregnant, right ladies?” Dumfries smirked, dressed in a suit and bowtie for no obvious reason.
Fellow student in the course Anne Clairevoy ‘22, who had the unfortunate privilege of “debating” Dumfries in class, pointed out to Dumfries during the discussion that not only would he never have to physically make the choice of abortion, but considering that he would likely die a virgin, would never really have to think about it at all. “When he first walked into the class, I took one look at him and knew instantly he was sexually impotent. It wasn’t just the Turning Point USA and PragerU buttons on his backpack, it was sort of an aura emanating from him. I have a good ability to detect the forever virgins.”
Despite a request for comment at the end of class, Dumfries was too busy begging girls in his course to “debate and/or date” him, and then sulkily skulking off to watch Ben Shapiro videos.
COLLEGETOWN— A recent survey of the Cornell for Biden student organization revealed that all three active members of the pro-Biden group now deeply regret their decision to publicly support an aggressively bland neoliberal who almost certainly will not come through on the majority of his campaign promises, on account of the fact that he has vaguely gestured at considering a few of them.
“When I went into the voting booth, I thought I was casting a ballot for the most moderate President in history,” recalled Darren Mitchell ‘22. “Then, for some reason, the Pentagon announced that he ordered a bomb strike in Iran that killed 22 people? I thought someone as moderate as Joseph Robinette Biden Jr. would have the common sense to just not tell us about the airstrikes they carry out against foreign nations, like in the good old days.”
After Biden’s historic win in the 2020 election, campus was elated, with many people rushing the streets to celebrate. But soon afterwards, most students got back to advocating for real change, and Cornell for Biden members were shocked to find that the election of a flip-flopping white septuagenarian who implemented civil asset forfeiture and eulogized Strom Thurmond might not solve all the world’s problems. His actions in office have only exacerbated the disappointment felt by these students.
“I mean, maybe not separating families at the border? Rejoining the Paris Climate Accords? The President is inching dangerously close to minor policy changes, and that concerns me,” explained Diane Lawson ‘21. “I thought when he was in office I could just go back to barely paying attention to politics, and I definitely tried, but my friends took my campaigning for Biden as some sort of sign that I cared about any of this, and that couldn’t be further from the truth. When can we go back to brunch?”
Campus Biden supporters have floated the idea of a 2024 primary challenge if Biden actually considers enacting some sort of change, with buzz surrounding John Kasich as a potential candidate for the future of the Democratic Party.
COLLEGETOWN—Following President-Elect Joseph Biden’s historic victory over Donald Trump, Cornell for Biden President Andrew Beauregard ‘23 decided to host a certified banger with the club’s other two members in his studio apartment.
Preparing all week for this night, Cornell for Biden’s Vice President, Secretary, Treasurer, Outreach and Health Officer Nicholas Hunt ‘22 spent hours planning the logistics of the party while endlessly refreshing the electoral map. “I had stayed up all night worrying about Cornell’s restrictive 10-person gathering limit, but when I scrolled through our five person GroupMe, two of which had the chat muted, I realized we would be okay.”
Despite Cornell’s policies overtly dissuading students from hosting parties, Beauregard defended his decision. “While other students go about making a ruckus about Mr. Trump, I think it’s more important to celebrate the victor. I, for one, cannot wait for the return of 90s-era neoliberal imperialism under the helpful patronage of a smiling, old, and pretty-darn creepy white dude. It’s been far too long!”
The “party’s” final attendee and self-described devil’s advocate Joseph Hittle ‘23 described his group-membership as a necessary evil. “I find progressives to be immature idealists which is why I’m a member of Cornell for Biden. It tells people that despite not believing all that progressive malarkey, I’m also not racist. Students need to find groups that support nuanced political opinions like mine.”
At the end of the party, a drunk Beauregard quietly slurred to his two political confidantes that this was all a front, and his first choice would have been Jeb Bush.
WHITE HALL—Much to the confusion of her friends, Government major Angela Xu ‘22 appeared enthralled by the possibility of a national political crisis that would surely plunge American society into chaos.
“Imagine how historic it would be if we had a contested election—or better yet, what about a tie in the electoral college?!” Xu squealed, her eyes wild. “Wouldn’t it be amazing to be a part of such a pivotal moment in our nation’s history? My future dissertation is practically writing itself!”
Despite Xu’s enthusiasm, others were more pessimistic about her theorized crisis of presidential legitimacy that would have the potential to massively destabilize the republic as we know it.
“Maybe it’s just me, but I feel like a descent into a hyperdivided body politic backing two different presidents would probably be a bad thing,” said D’Andre Callaway ‘21, a friend of Xu. “I mean, I’m not a gov major like Angela, but I just think that living in a disputed state where all legal precedents have been torn to shreds might bring about some issues.”
At press time, Xu was seen smiling while musing about an American descent into anarchy and, “if we’re really lucky,” a partisan-driven civil war.
WILLARD STRAIGHT HALL—While some attribute the mismanaged Student Assembly election and subsequent re-vote to sheer ineptitude, many critics have identified the undergraduate governing body’s utter ballot-bungling as an attempt to replicate the workings of real-life democracy.
In a nine-paragraph essay published to the Cornell Subreddit, election-truther George Blast ‘21 levied pointed accusations against the Assembly. “The sheeps in the student body are accepting the cover story being fed down their throats…as if Ivy League students running an identically formatted election on the same software every year for the last half dozen years could botch the rank-choice voting system.” This must be deliberate, he posited.
“It’s clear as day,” said Dayana Poe ‘22, a government major active in CPU, the school’s foremost bastion of sophisticated political thought, “that the SA felt they lost credibility due to the Trevor Davis joke candidacy of 2019, and now they’re attempting to establish their real-world democratic acumen by handling Cornell’s election with competence on par with that of countries such as the United States, Bolivia, and Russia.”
“It’s genius, if you really think about it,” Blast further contended. “Just think of the Iowa primaries. Those really made you think – ‘wow, that’s real governance at work.’ Look at how Congress went the extra-mile and provided every state with the freedom to raise their own money to secure their elections. How thoughtful! The Student Assembly is trying to say to us – this is the real world, and we’re gonna be as dysfunctional as any governing body with actual power.”
Ryan Hanahan ‘22, a self-proclaimed election analyst who recently completed a summer WebDev internship at FiveThirtyEight, predicts that the SA will continue its ruse by delaying the release of the election results, cementing its status as a organization up to date with and equipped to carry out all the latest injuries to popular sovereignty.
GOLDWIN SMITH HALL — With the midterm elections fast approaching, I took it upon myself, as an informed citizen and registered voter, to encourage my friends to register as well. Unfortunately, my well-intentioned plan to increase youth turnout this November backfired when I accidentally convinced my friend Janice to register without realizing she was actually a Republican.
I thought I could trust Janice to protect a woman’s right to choose because she had an “Ithaca is Gorges” laptop sticker, but after she called our friend mutual friend John a “liberal cuck” when he shared a video of Christine Blasey Ford’s testimony on Facebook, I realized I had made a grave mistake.
It would’ve been easy to find out what her political leanings were. All I had to do was walk into her dorm room and I would’ve noticed the rack full of red “MAGA” hats and Kanye’s last two albums on her desk. Now, the keys to our democracy lie in the hands of a woman who just yesterday referred to NFL players as “ungrateful thugs.”
With midterm season fast approaching, I’d like to encourage everyone to get out there and vote! Unless you disagree my political beliefs, in which case you and your deplorable friends can all stay home.
CALL AUDITORIUM—Steve Forbes, Editor-in-Chief of Forbes Magazine, is expected to impart a previously unreleased Forbes Quote of the Day on the audience at his Wednesday speech on Cornell’s campus.
“I always love seeing inspirational quotes from figures such as Mark Zuckerberg and Whoopi Goldberg while I wait to read the article I clicked on,” said Tim Zhang ‘21, who says he can’t wait to brag to all his friends about being one of the first to hear this new quote. “Sometimes I’ll just click on articles I don’t want to read just to view one of the quotes. This time, I won’t be forced to look at one of Forbes’ subpar articles after hearing the quote!”
Not everyone is excited to hear the quote though. “If I have to wait 5 seconds before the rest of the speech tonight, I may as well just walk out instead of wasting my time,” said Cory Harris ‘19.
As of Wednesday morning, dozens of students have already paused Adblock so they can get into the event.
ITHACA, NY — In a statement released this morning, a frontrunner in the Undergraduate Student Assembly’s Fall 2017 Election has declared that they are eager to accomplish absolutely nothing during their time in the position.
“I’m just so grateful that the community wants me to take on this exciting, debatably-influential role,” stated the freshman. “I look forward to using the abundant resources and tuition dollars at my disposal to ensure that I make, at most, a very small difference, but probably not even that.”
When asked what inspired their interest in student government, the ambitious student cited their love of ineffective representational systems as their main influence.
“I just love putting a lot of time and effort into something and coming up with absolutely nothing in return. I’m so lucky to be able to practice the skill of getting nothing done as a legislator before I run for office after college.”
When asked about their plan to address on-campus racism, the SA member-to-be commended those fighting for systemic change, adding that they can’t wait to see what they do.
CALL AUDITORIUM – Swaying back and forth while fondly recalling a simpler time before the mainstream media takedown of the conservative party, former Georgia Republican representative Newt Gingrich sat in an old creaky rocking chair for the entirety of his lecture at Cornell.
“Free speech on liberal college campuses is under attack! Why, when I was your age, there weren’t any trigger warnings or political correctness. If you got offended, that was your problem,” said Gingrich as he arched his back, leaned in and pointed a quivering finger at students.
The former Speaker of the house went on to explain his belief that healthcare should be controlled by the free market, at which point he leaned back and ate another melted butterscotch from his pocket.
“Kids, back in my day, poor people worked their fair share and we didn’t need any government subsidies for inner city youth. And I’ll tell you what more, we still don’t need them!” he muttered just before swallowing a handful of vitamins and oxycodone.
The lecture lasted approximately twenty minutes until 6:50 p.m., at which point Gingrich wrapped up his discussion of illegal immigration and was escorted off to get ready for bed.