April 30, 2025
Headlines

politics

Two Birds, One Stone! Jerry from Craigslist Booked as Slope Day Headliner, Convocation Speaker

Nooz Staff03 mins

ALLENTOWN, PA—University officials announced Monday afternoon that they had selected a powerhouse performer to serve as both Slope Day headliner and Senior Convocation speaker; the individual’s availability was confirmed via Craigslist. The heavy-hitter in question, Jerry Ferguson, hails from Allentown, PA and—according to his Facebook profile—is an “aspiring 29-year-old musician with mad guitar Skillz”. On…

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Guy Working in Department of Job Stability and Secure Income Starting to Get a Bit Worried

Nooz Staff02 mins

WASHINGTON D.C.—The actions of the Trump administration have left many federal workers confused and anxious about their futures. With previously indispensable positions being eliminated left and right, even those in seemingly stable fields have started to worry. For the first time, Andy Galeano of the Department of Job Stability and Secure Income has started to…

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United States Pulls Out of Global Weather Cycle

Nooz Staff04 mins

GULF OF MEXICO—Since his return to office, President Donald Trump has issued dozens of executive orders, demanding everything from the end of birthright citizenship to withdrawal from various international agreements. On Friday, the President took things a step further, signing an order entitled “Protecting America From Invasion By Meddling Foreign Drafts and Moistures”, which aims…

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Report: Vitamin D Supplements Doing Little to Hinder Bleak, Hopeless Future

Nooz Staff02 mins

CORNELL HEALTH— In the throes of a bleak and frigid January, Cornell’s population is, as always, seeking relief from the effects of seasonal depression. Vitamin D supplements, although their effectiveness as an antidepressant is contested, are one popular and accessible countermeasure to the inescapable darkness of the winter months. Unfortunately, experts warn that dietary supplementation…

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Op-Ed: I’m Not Sure Which “They” Marjorie Taylor Greene is Talking About, But I’m Glad She Supports the Nonbinary Community

Nooz Staff04 mins

Last Thursday on X (formerly Twitter), Marjorie Taylor Greene, a House Republican from Georgia, doubled down on her claims of a shadowy “they” capable of “[controlling] the weather.”  This assertion comes in the wake of Hurricane Helene, which left a path of destruction across the southeast; Hurricane Milton, which was upgraded to a category five…

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“I Have Concepts of a Plan”: Trump Scrambles to Outline Essay

Nooz Staff03 mins

MAR-A-LAGO, FL—With a looming deadline and mounting pressure from advisors, former President Donald Trump is reportedly clambering to finish his first paper’s outline for GOVT 1111: Intro to American Government and Politics. “The President is currently hard at work to deliver this outline for the American people,” said Trump campaign spokesman Steven Cheung. “Meanwhile, radical…

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“Not if we have anything to say about it,” Cornell Republicans Vow to Personally Baste Any Turkey Pardoned by Joe Biden

Nooz Staff02 mins

MCGRAW HALL— In response to the annual pardoning of one lucky turkey for the Thanksgiving holiday, plucky political group “Cornell Republicans” released a seven page Instagram post calling for a reneging on the tradition.   “This practice runs afoul of the very ideals on which this glorious nation was founded,” explained Zachary Harker ‘23, club president….

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