ARTS QUAD—Well-rested and ready to tackle any threat to the safety of Cornell students, former Cornell Police Chief Kathy Zoner was witnessed wrestling with an anthropomorphic coronavirus in front of Goldwin Smith Hall.
“It looks like Zoner was using a combination of Judo and Jiu Jitsu,” said bystander DeAndre Williams ’23. “She swept it from underneath, and then yelled ‘you’re on Zoner-time, punk’ as she pinned it to the ground.”
Zoner reportedly dipped into her arsenal of advanced wrestling moves following a skirmish in the dirt with the virus. After a particularly effective piledriver, the virus was forced to tap out.
“It was covered in blood, but I think her jacket was branded ‘Zoner Force One,’” continued Williams. He described Zoner wiping her brow and spitting into the grass before handcuffing the virus by its surface glycoproteins.
When pressed for comment, Zoner proclaimed, “I am the Chief. I am the vaccine. I am God,” before scaling the wall of the Johnson Museum and disappearing into the night.