Cornell Riot Police Deploy Freshman Dorm Smell Against Maskless Monday Protestors

DAY HALL 一 Student protestors participating in the first Maskless Monday protest against Cornell’s masking policy were met by the repulsive aroma of a sweaty, virginal freshman’s dorm room as CUPD Riot Police sought to disperse the protest.

“At first I didn’t know what scents were hitting my bare, uncovered nose,” said Chasten Miles ‘25. “The flavors of dead rat, gamer sweat, rotten food from Nastie’s… it smelled weirdly familiar. It was only when I started seeing upperclassmen faint from the odor, and the freshman protestors sort of just shrug it off, that I realized I was smelling the despair and disgust of a freshman dorm in tear gas form.”

The deployment of Freshman Dorm Smell tear gas is banned under the Geneva Convention, but Cornell’s use of the brutal protest suppressor demonstrated the administration’s desire to prevent the Maskless Monday protests from growing further. Leaders of the Maskless Monday Movement have reportedly already filed a complaint against Cornell at the United Nations for the use of this illegal, deadly chemical.

“Use of this toxin does not come to us lightly,” explained Cornell Riot Police Chief Reston Angler. “We reserve the right to deploy Freshman Dorm Smell only when a peaceful protest descends into an illegal, violent riot. The effects have been proven to work: if rioters don’t faint immediately from the smell, they cry profusely at the deep sorrow contained within it and convulse from the enriched chemical compounds of Gamer Sweat and Halitosis. Unfortunately, it doesn’t have any effect on freshmen themselves, since they’re kinda used to it.”

As the gas was being deployed Monday, protest leaders, many of them frat brothers, reportedly screamed “GAS MASKS ON!” only to yell, “Sike!”, high-fiving and laughing in their commitment to the Anti-Mask cause as they began to lose consciousness and became immobilized from the stench.

OP-ED: Saying “Don’t Come to Class When You’re Sick” Discriminates Against Cornell’s Sickly Little Victorian Boy Population

My dearest Cornell community—you see us wandering about campus in our finest nightgowns, draped dramatically over the lavatories, or reclining in our sumptuous beds that do nothing to alleviate our physical agonies, but do you truly care about us? Lately I have been witness to a dangerous trend, one that puts my entire community at stake. Telling students to stay home when sick is a direct attack on the sickly little Victorian boy population.

As sickly little Victorian boys, telling us to only come to class when well ensures that we shall never be in class. There is no telling what dangers may assault a sickly little Victorian boy, such as tuberculosis, reading by candlelight, or The Miseries. On my way to Oceans lecture this very Wednesday, I caught chill from the advanced speed with which my horse-drawn carriage proceeded down the cobblestones towards central campus. Should I stay home every time I feel my humors become unbalanced, I would never attend class at all. 

Missing class is especially difficult on a Victorian child such as myself. I try to collect notes from my classmates, but by the time their carrier pigeons arrive at my window I find the prelim has already passed. My father disapproves of this correspondence with the common folk, limited as it is, and often uses the pigeons for riflery practice to teach me a lesson. I have sought to protest, but my choler elevates with worrisome rapidity, and thus I am resigned. I am so lonely in my bedroom, attended to by none but the nurse who mops my fevered brow as I shake like a willow branch in the wind. What is the point of taking a 50-50 mixture of laudanum and cocaine if I cannot then allow myself to be surrounded by 300 of my closest friends as I cough blood into a satin handkerchief? ‘Tis cruelty, dare I say, cruel—

—Mamá? Is that you, here to bring me to heaven? You look so young, and the light is so beautiful. Don’t cry for me, Papá. I am not afraid. The light, it takes away my pain. Goodbye forever, Cornell, goodbye—

Alas, ‘twas but a phantasm wrought by the plagued recesses of my spirit. I must establish swift correspondence with CAPS ere these ghoulish apparitions further impinge upon my coursework. But who am I, a sickly little Victorian boy, to seek counseling in this uncaring university? I can but pray the superintendents pity my woeful pleas.

Conservative Who Will Never Get Anyone Pregnant Excited to Debate Moral Standards for Abortion

GOLDWIN SMITH HALL—Attending his Intro to American Politics course, proud conservative virgin Gerald Dumfries ‘23 began openly praising Texas’s new restrictive abortion ban, despite the fact that due to a combination of his inner and outer repulsiveness, it will be physically impossible for him to ever impregnate anyone.

“Look, I’m a supporter of women’s rights, even though women find me absolutely noxious. Nevertheless, we have to morally consider the right to life of the fetus. And by we, I mean everyone else, because I literally will never be forced to make that choice.”

Dumfries argued that Texas was righting a critical error in the nation’s history by overturning Roe v. Wade, but lamented that unlike America’s far-right Supreme Court, girls simply wouldn’t give him a fair hearing. “Now that abortion will hopefully be made illegal across the land, girls may find my lack of sexual fertility a very appealing characteristic. After all, who needs legal, safe abortions when your mate can’t even get you pregnant, right ladies?” Dumfries smirked, dressed in a suit and bowtie for no obvious reason.

Fellow student in the course Anne Clairevoy ‘22, who had the unfortunate privilege of “debating” Dumfries in class, pointed out to Dumfries during the discussion that not only would he never have to physically make the choice of abortion, but considering that he would likely die a virgin, would never really have to think about it at all. “When he first walked into the class, I took one look at him and knew instantly he was sexually impotent. It wasn’t just the Turning Point USA and PragerU buttons on his backpack, it was sort of an aura emanating from him. I have a good ability to detect the forever virgins.”

Despite a request for comment at the end of class, Dumfries was too busy begging girls in his course to “debate and/or date” him, and then sulkily skulking off to watch Ben Shapiro videos.

Student Astonished To Learn That Being An Ally Means Something Other Than Telling Girls He Loved Ladybird

WARREN HALL—AEM Major Roger Gross ‘22 reacted with shock upon realizing that not one bullet point in an Instagram infographic labeled “How to Be An Ally” contained any reference to the 2017 Greta Gerwig film Ladybird.

“There was all this shit about ‘calling out microaggressions’ and like ‘mutual aid,’ but absolutely no discussion of all the good I do by reading A People’s History of the United States totally like Kyle does in Ladybird!,” Gross complained.

Gross continued, “honestly, I think my allyship is centered in encouraging women to follow their dreams by telling them they’re destined for better things and that I like their dumb bogus plans so they’ll sleep with me. But this information has shaken me to my core. What if I need to watch another movie? Ugh, fine, I’ll Netflix Green Book.”

Gross revealed that after this shock, he consulted with an FGSS major friend, Charlie Trea ‘23, to learn more about how to be a better ally. “Yeah, I’m not sure why Roger thinks we’re friends,” said Trea. “We were in an FWS last year and he kept asking for my notes and mentioning our female professor was ‘bangin.’ I tried to tell him that allyship means uplifting unheard voices and using your privilege in a space to protect those without it, but he just interrupted me to ask why I think strong women like Ladybird need any man to talk for them.”

Trea expressed optimism that Gross might learn a little more about allyship from Gerwig’s upcoming film Barbie: The Movie.

SA Elections Rocked by Controversy in Transparent Attempt to Emulate Real-Life Democracy

Photo credit: Annie Wang/Sun File Photo via Cornell Daily Sun
Photo credit: Annie Wang/Sun File Photo via Cornell Daily Sun

WILLARD STRAIGHT HALL—While some attribute the mismanaged Student Assembly election and subsequent re-vote to sheer ineptitude, many critics have identified the undergraduate governing body’s utter ballot-bungling as an attempt to replicate the workings of real-life democracy.

In a nine-paragraph essay published to the Cornell Subreddit, election-truther George Blast ‘21 levied pointed accusations against the Assembly. “The sheeps in the student body are accepting the cover story being fed down their throats…as if Ivy League students running an identically formatted election on the same software every year for the last half dozen years could botch the rank-choice voting system.” This must be deliberate, he posited.

“It’s clear as day,” said Dayana Poe ‘22, a government major active in CPU, the school’s foremost bastion of sophisticated political thought, “that the SA felt they lost credibility due to the Trevor Davis joke candidacy of 2019, and now they’re attempting to establish their real-world democratic acumen by handling Cornell’s election with competence on par with that of countries such as the United States, Bolivia, and Russia.”

“It’s genius, if you really think about it,” Blast further contended. “Just think of the Iowa primaries.  Those really made you think – ‘wow, that’s real governance at work.’ Look at how Congress went the extra-mile and provided every state with the freedom to raise their own money to secure their elections. How thoughtful! The Student Assembly is trying to say to us – this is the real world, and we’re gonna be as dysfunctional as any governing body with actual power.”

Ryan Hanahan ‘22, a self-proclaimed election analyst who recently completed a summer WebDev internship at FiveThirtyEight, predicts that the SA will continue its ruse by delaying the release of the election results, cementing its status as a organization up to date with and equipped to carry out all the latest injuries to popular sovereignty. 

OP-ED: How Can Cornell Provide Tampons for People Who Menstruate Without Providing Skateparks for People Who Shred Gnar?

Cornell has always been a trailblazer, and I must start by commending the university, which  began admitting women in 1872, only seven years after its founding. Since its inception, Cornell has been at the forefront of the struggle for the equality of people who mensturate, and can finally say it provides free access to period products in campus restrooms.

Despite this notable breakthrough, inequity still persists. Just as the menstruators of Cornell require period products for their natural menstrual needs, I require access to an on-campus skatepark—preferably one with a dope half-pipe and a massive snake run.

The move towards equality for menstruators has always been based upon the ideal that no person should be denied opportunity solely on the basis of their biological processes. If menstruators no longer pay a de facto tax on their period, I should not be forced to take the TCAT all the way down to the lame-ass Ithaca skatepark, which is far too small and out of my way. This is the kind of firm moral principle Cornell must uphold. 

I understand this venture, similar to the free tampons and pads, can be construed as unnecessary and overly expensive. I realize the taboo natures of menstruation and epic sk8r culture can cause the pain of their disaffected groups to go unnoticed. But we will no longer be denied! The truly radical 360 chasing ollie poppers will rise up and get the high quality skating palace we truly deserve!

However, in the interest of civility and patience, I would even be satisfied with any kind of verbal commitment to my new initiative. Even if the new skatepark was constructed on the same expedited time frame as the period products, originally slated for implementation in 2017, I would be happy. Though I’d never get to grind rails with the boys, I’d at least know Cornell took our concerns seriously. 

Ithaca Landlords Agree to Rent Freeze After Realizing “We Are All Tenants on this Beautiful Planet Called Earth”

COLLEGETOWN—In a public broadcast delivered via megaphone from the roof of Ithaca Renting Company, representatives of the Lambrou, Avramis, and O’Connor apartments announced their stunning support for a Collegetown rent freeze, after coming to the realization that “We are all tenants on this beautiful planet called Earth.”

“We have, all of us, been led astray for too long,” said a representative of 312 College Avenue. “For at our core, we are all tenants of this special rock we call home, this Pale Blue Dot.” The congregation of visibly reverent landlords continued to remind onlookers that “Every sunrise, every flower, every flake of falling snow, is a gift from mother Earth, who all of us were so very wrong to ever think we could ‘own.’”

The leaders of Collegetown’s primary rental offices apparently came to the realization during a recent Landlord Association of Tompkins County meeting, when a screening of “Resisting the Residents: How To Avoid Pesky Renter Requests” was mistakenly replaced with “The Lorax.” The film’s powerful message of the importance and sanctity of nature quickly won over the assembled landlords, causing local landlord Bill Avramis to shed one solemn, solitary tear. 

The landlords also announced that “they’d be sending someone over to install solar panels on the roofs of all properties,” but failed to provide a comment on whether there’d be any update on fixing the washing machines that have been busted for the last two weeks. 

OP-ED: I Need Universal Pass Because My Step-Sister Keeps Getting Stuck in the Dryer and Needs My Help

Like many of my peers, I am calling on Cornell to adopt a Universal Pass system. This is the only feasible way to reduce the pressure to complete my schoolwork and allow me time to focus on the unique issues facing my family during this global crisis; mainly the fact that my just-turned-eighteen step-sis keeps getting stuck astoundingly deep in our dryer and I am apparently the only one that can help. 

While this phenomenon never seems to occur while I am diligently pursuing my studies in Ithaca, this problem keeps happening whenever I’m back home and it is really taking a toll on my mental state. As Cornell transitions to online instruction, my grade on a virtual Networks II prelim is the last thing I want to worry about when I am prying my step-sister out of our Maytag for the fifth time this week. 

Naturally, every Cornell student will experience this global pandemic in a different way and Universal Pass is the only way to account for every unique circumstance. I, for one, will be assisting my step-sister, at minimum, 15 to 20 hours per week since she only calls for me when ma and step-dad are out of the room. Add that responsibility to my existing schoolwork and I simply don’t know how I’ll be able to manage it all. I certainly don’t want my grades to slip away, but I sure can’t afford for step-sis to spend the rest of her life in there, moaning my name—“step-bro, step-bro”—for hours at a time. Heck, with the outfits she typically wears to do laundry, she could catch a cold if I don’t get in there real quick. 

Ask any supporter of Universal Pass and you’ll find thousands of different answers for why this policy is necessary to help students heavily affected by the COVID-19 pandemic. For me, Universal Pass is the only way to ensure that my family can spend more time together and determine the root cause of this issue.

Stephanie Beatriz Asked to Solve the Mystery of Why You’re Single During Valentine’s Day CUPB Show

This article was sponsored by CUPB: Stephanie Beatriz is coming to Cornell on February 14th at Bailey Hall. Join CUPB, MCFAB, and Haven for a moderated Q&A to get a behind-the-scenes look at the hit show and her career. Beatriz is not only known for her hit show Brooklyn Nine-Nine but also for her outspoken advocacy for LGBTQ+ rights and queer representation. Tickets are available at

BAILEY HALL—As she takes the stage this Valentine’s Day at 7:00, Stephanie Beatriz, beloved for her role as Detective Rosa Diaz on the hit show “Brooklyn Nine-Nine”, will be facing a pressing conundrum: why your sorry ass is all alone.

“It’s going to be amazing,” noted desperate romantic Victor Romero ‘22. “I mean, I had to bail on my girlfriend to come spend Valentine’s Day listening to another woman speak, but I’m honestly so excited to watch her piece together a real life mystery!”

Romero isn’t the only Cornell student eager to see the actress solve the puzzle of romantic snafus during her dinnertime show on the evening internationally regarded as the most romantic day of the year.

“Of course I could have had Valentine’s plans,” said Joanna McMahon ‘21. “I must have said no to five, maybe six group dates, dinners, date nights and mixers. It was way more important to me to learn why I’m somehow still single, and come to this Friday night show all alone.” 

At press time, the Cornell University Programming Board suggested maybe, possibly, kind of ditching your Valentine and spending the evening getting sassed by Detective Rosa Diaz. You probably spend plenty of time watching Brooklyn Nine-Nine alone anyway, what’s one more night?

Fossil Fuel Investments Needed to Fund Educating the Next and Final Generation, say Trustees

DAY HALL—In response to student strikes over Cornell’s continued investment in fossil fuel companies, the Board of Trustees released a statement Friday morning affirming that the returns on such investments are necessary for Cornell to continue educating the final generation to exist before the global climate crisis results in a total extinction of the human race.

“Our fossil fuel assets are crucial because they ensure our planet’s future leaders will be well-educated as they guide humanity to a close,” reads the statement penned by Chairman Robert S. Harrison ‘76, which also adds that renewable energy development is unlikely to reduce the profitability of fossil fuels until long after the University is destroyed and Ithaca is nothing but a dry, sweltering desert.

“Besides, graduates won’t be equipped to take on the existential threat of an unstoppable rise in global temperatures caused by our refusal to divest if our programs lose this minuscule but crucial piece of University funding,” the statement later says.

The statement concludes by noting that if the Cornell community really wanted the Board to act in the common good, maybe they shouldn’t have appointed a former Goldman Sachs banker as chairman.