Report: You Missed Your Mandatory COVID Test for the 61st Consecutive Week and Will Be Expelled from the University

DAY HALL—Cornell Health and the university registrar have released a joint statement declaring that due to gross violations of the policy requiring mandatory weekly tests for the 2019 novel coronavirus dubbed SARS-CoV-2, your enrollment at Cornell has been terminated, effective immediately.

“The battle against Covid-19 requires buy-in from the whole community, so it is disappointing to see you disregard this moral obligation so brazenly,” said Cornell Provost Michael Kotlikoff. “Despite your ignorance of our repeated emails, we have been incredibly patient. But there comes a point at which we must prioritize the well-being of all students, staff, and faculty above the selfishness of one reckless resistor.”

The statement goes on to explain that you will be evicted from your university housing tomorrow morning and will not be issued a refund for room and board. While you assumed this message had been delivered widely across the student body and must be some kind of mistake or prank, the statement appears to be addressed to you personally. Your friends and now-former classmates also have no knowledge of this message, nor do they seem particularly sympathetic to your plight.

“You haven’t been doing your weekly tests? That’s pretty fucked up,” said Irina Collins ‘24. “It’s not like I like sticking that probe up my nostril every week, but I get a sense of satisfaction from knowing that this small sacrifice could help the more vulnerable members of our community. I came to this university to embrace those fabled guidelines of Ezra Cornell’s: ‘to do the greatest good.’ Since you so obviously do not feel such a connection to the school’s founding mission, perhaps it’s best that they dump you unceremoniously like the sack of plagued potatoes you are.”

At press time, the Cornell Republicans have announced you as their new president.

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