THE CORNELL CLUB OF NEW YORK— Following the Student Assembly’s decision to storm the National Archives and scribble smiley faces all over the Bill of Rights, alumni have begun to lament the death of the Cornell they once knew. “Ah, how I miss the good old days!” exclaimed Charles Olin ‘58 as he paused his…
STATLER AUDITORIUM— In an effort to streamline TEDxCornell’s 2023 event and increase ticket sales, organizers have unveiled the overarching theme of this year’s conference: telling presenters to stop talking. “About ten minutes into every TED talk, we all have the same thought: ‘is this ever going to end?’” explained event coordinator Alex Thompson ‘23. “At…
FEENEY WAY—Amidst the latest influx of admitted students and their families, parents John Olin Jr. ‘66 and Helen Reincehart Olin ‘97 proved to be particularly pretentious. Though the buildings bearing their name make up less than one percent of the campus’ total construction, their attitudes seemed to indicate that they had bankrolled the entire university….
URIS LIBRARY—Scheduler’s latest update never fails to excite Ethan Weiss ‘23. “Ever since I was a freshman, I’ve looked forward to the release of the next version of Scheduler,” said Weiss, double major in art and geometry. “Sure, it’s technically available all year, but there’s nothing like getting your hands on a fresh slate of…
DAY HALL—Cornell Health and the university registrar have released a joint statement declaring that due to gross violations of the policy requiring mandatory weekly tests for the 2019 novel coronavirus dubbed SARS-CoV-2, your enrollment at Cornell has been terminated, effective immediately. “The battle against Covid-19 requires buy-in from the whole community, so it is disappointing…
ITHACA—Thousands of local Ithaca residents have lost their homes in the wake of a seismic disaster following an email from President Martha Pollack, which carelessly granted 22,000 individuals the right to freedom of expression. At 11:04 AM on April 17th, the sound of thousands of voices simultaneously expressing themselves radiated out from Cornell’s campus, razing…
HO PLAZA–This Earth Day, the Cornell Store is making a special pledge to the planet. For every item that goes unpurchased, they will match it with a generous donation to the Tompkins County Solid Waste Center. Eco-saviors are invited to open their hearts, but mostly their wallets, and find a semblance of purpose within store inventory:…
ARTS QUAD–WAHOO! It’s 75 degrees and sunny in Ithaca which means it’s time to lather on that sunscreen, blast those summer tunes, and proceed to the library as normal. There are prelims tomorrow. “It’s gonna be so SICK dude!” exclaimed Thomas Roland ‘24. “First I’m going to walk to Olin as slowly as possible. I…
URIS HALL–Students enrolled in SOC 3105: Interspecies Dialogue were left in awe as their instructor, Professor Michael Piccolino, demonstrated his amazing ability to navigate mazes utilizing only his peculiar sense of smell. Piccolino’s jaw-dropping display was designed to illustrate the importance of learning from mistakes during the problem-solving process. The demonstration called for student volunteers…
