Cornell Store Earth Day Sale: “If You Don’t Buy This Shit, It’s Going to the Landfill”

HO PLAZA–This Earth Day, the Cornell Store is making a special pledge to the planet. For every item that goes unpurchased, they will match it with a generous donation to the Tompkins County Solid Waste Center. Eco-saviors are invited to open their hearts, but mostly their wallets, and find a semblance of purpose within store inventory: the ultimate Earth Day Challenge. 

“‘I’m hoping this event will encourage students to come on out and explore some of the cool new inventory, like the 6-foot latex Touchdown replicas we just got in,” said General Manager Glen Vlasic. 

Like elves in Santa’s workshop, store employees have been prepping for the promotion all week, dusting cobwebs off the St. Patrick’s Day merch and covering it with Go Green! stickers in hopes of a sale. 

“The focus groups are always getting on our case about ‘No one wants a blow up Earth Warrior Touchdown the Bear’ and ‘Inflatable Eco-Prince Touchdown is going to junk up the landfills,’” said Glen Vlasic, general manager. “Well I ordered 20,000 of them, so if you’re so mad, why don’t you come save them from their dumpster death, huh?”

Student activists are determined to intercept before the merchandise makes its way to the Pacific Ocean. Paul Ridley ‘25 was seen leaving the store with a ‘Proud Papa Bear’ mackintosh. “I couldn’t bear to think of the turtles choking on this,” said Ridley, holding his purchase at arm’s length. 

For the concerned treehuggers who can’t make it out today, don’t worry: It’s not too late to beat the garbage truck before next week’s rounds. As per custom, all merchandise will be conveniently vacated to the dumpsters behind the Cornell Store.

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