COLLEGETOWN, ITHACA — Following the elimination of in-person fraternity events due to the pandemic, local fraternity Kappa Alpha Beta will begin transitioning their fall semester hazing plan to online.
“It’d be a real shame for the pledges to miss out all the brotherly bonding, like being waterboarded. You know what they say, friends who are homoerotically paddled together, stay together,” says KAB fraternity president Mitchell Hammon ‘22. “While we might not be able to replicate the physical element of pain, we’re confident we can give the pledges that juicy psychological torture that makes Greek Life so flavorful.”
Pledge officer Liam Chiang ‘23 planned many activities to give the pledges the authentic new member experience online. Existing members were encouraged to continue the storied tradition of making pledge’s lives a living hell by commenting disparaging remarks to pledges on Instagram about their looks, intellect, and sexual prowess, while choreographing elaborate sets of malicious TikTok dances.
“First we’ll send them the usual playground insults, but after a while, we’ll go for the jugular,” chuckled Chiang. “They won’t be able to go online without being told that they’re a disappointment to their parents and nobody will ever love them. Between their tears, they won’t even notice that it’s virtual!”
Results have been mixed. While several pledges reported reverting to a child like-state of terror and hyper-dependency, many are simply choosing to stay off of their phones for the time being. The bewildered pledge officers reported they “hadn’t even considered that as an option.”