“Silly Drink Paint Thursdays” Revealed To Be Hazing All Along

UNIVERSITY AVE—Aspiring brothers of Beta Sigma fraternity were shocked to find out that their favorite weekly pledge event “Silly Drink Paint Thursday” was actually hazing.

Beta Sigma was one of many fraternities placed under suspension by the University amidst a crackdown on hazing. Brothers and pledges alike were caught off guard by the punishment, unsure why forceful consumption of poisonous materials could be considered immoral.

“My Big drank paint. My Grandbig drank paint, as did his Big before him! Who am I to break tradition?” lamented the frat’s Risk Chair, Jack Rampert ’24. “Everybody is talking about us like we’re an evil group pressuring 18 and 19-year-old boys to do harmful things to themselves in the name of brotherhood. That’s not us. If they don’t want to drink paint, they don’t have to. We also have primer.”

The hazing practice was discovered by horrified outsiders when swarms of freshmen boys were returning to their dorms late on Thursdays with a ring of red, white, and blue paint around their mouths. During the event, pledges are split into Color War-like factions. They are blindfolded, given a cup of paint to taste, and must guess the correct RGB values of the color. 

Members of the fraternity have bravely indicated that hazing bonds them as a family in a “dope-ass way.” Participants of the event were brought to the hospital to be seen by medical professionals. When asked about her views on this new hazing exercise, Dr. Marcia Goldenbaum said, “they’re drinking paint? Of course they are.”

Frat With No Pledges Handing Out Sad Little Pamphlets Outside Dining Hall Like An A Capella Group

MORRISON DINING–As rush came to a close and Cornell’s myriad of Greek life organizations made their final bids, several fraternities found themselves still in search of new members.

“We were expecting a real jungle juice of pledges,” said Gentry Lancaster ‘25, president of Phi Omega Omega. “But, bro, we barely got a shot’s worth. Most of these guys just dipped after we bought them dinner.” He shook his head ruefully. “I’ve been leaving my contact info with all of the dudes I see jostling each other in the hall and shouting in the library. But, to be honest, we’re scraping the bottom of the keg here.”

In a last-ditch effort to generate applicant interest, Phi Omega Omega has resorted to unconventional recruiting methods, including setting up pathetic little pamphlet stations outside the doors of North Campus dining halls. 

“It was kind of depressing,” remarked David Ramos ‘27, a passerby. “One of them was wearing a sooty newsboy cap and shaking a tin cup. He promised me that if I joined, they’d only haze me, like, a little. I felt so bad I almost pledged then and there.”

On the nearby sidewalk, several brothers attempted to expand their recruiting effort with a cutesy chalk art of their fraternity seal, although the task was hindered by melting snow and eventually abandoned. Participating brothers described the exercise as “utterly humiliating”, “artistically discouraging”, “emasculating”, and “low-key just fuckin’ lame, man”.

Fortunately, Lancaster reassured us that Phi Omega Omega has a failsafe just in case their innovative new recruitment strategies don’t pan out. He explained that most of Cornell’s frats are so incredibly elite, respectable and exclusive that they’re bound to have hordes of desperate, wealthy young men clamoring to join. “We can simply scoop up their rejects,” concluded the president. If luck holds, the historic brotherhood may just survive another year.

“Hey Why is That Guy in the Cop Costume Using Tear Gas on Innocent Civilians?” Frat Doorman Realizes He Messed Up Big Time

STEWART AVE—The many responsibilities of a frat brother can be difficult to juggle. Managing throwing parties, violently hazing freshmen, and covering up said hazing all at once is a tough ask. So when pledge brother Austin Anders ‘26 was put on door duty for Alpha Pi Ro Kappa Delta Gamma’s Halloween party, mistakes–such as welcoming in law enforcement–were bound to happen.

Although the cop in question did not have a bright green band required for entry into the party, he named Michael, Jackson, and Alex, all of whom he claimed to have “done some favors for” in the past.

“How was I supposed to know that he was an actual cop?” Anders said. “It’s pretty easy to get a cop costume online, and not much harder to get a pistol in most states.”

It was not until the sophomore watched the police officer turn off his body cam and bodyslam a teenager to the ground that he realized maybe the Taser was more than just a prop. Soon after, the officer began to hurl tear gas canisters into the crowd of partiers.

“Hey, why is that guy in the cop costume using tear gas on those people?” Anders recalls shouting. “As much as I can applaud getting into character for a costume, is that really necessary?”

The party was promptly shut down once the officer called for backup. Fortunately, however, the situation is being resolved via an internal investigation and the acting officer has been put on paid leave for the remainder of the week.

Uh Oh! Worst Person You Know Still Talking About Steve Aoki Concert

NORTHEAST ITHACA—With the arrival of October, the Homecoming festivities have finally come to a close at Cornell University. However, one eager student with cash to blow has not gotten the message.

“Did you know that I had the blessed chance to see once-in-a-lifetime music revolutionary Steve Aoki at the ZBT house?” asked sophomore transfer Jackson Philippe ‘26 to literally anyone within 50 feet of him at the current moment.

Apparently, the EDM sensation out of the early 2010s decided his career was finally coming to a close when he accepted an invitation from the Cornell chapter of the Zeta Beta Tau house to perform on Saturday night. This newest gig was done in front of college students who were between the ages of 8 and 11 years old when he was last recognizable.

When asked to comment on the concert, students were apparently too busy stumbling around aimlessly in the dark, disoriented by the repetitive, head-banging, rage-inducing commotion the musician had brought to Cornell.

This did not stop Jackson, who decided to make the concert all about himself by personally smashing fully baked cakes into the faces of his fellow concert-goers. Such pastry pandemonium did not stop until CUPD made an appearance. In fact, it did not take them long, for they were able to follow in the direction of the music from over 2 miles away.

“Just once could we have someone relevant to the current decade make the over 200 mile trip up from New York City to Ithaca?” cried Felicia Donaghy ‘25. 

Even though most students had forgotten about Mr. Aoki only minutes after the concert ended, nobody knows how long die-hard fan Jackson will continue to bring up this horrid memory to his fellow Cornellians.

Consulting Club Reject Forced To Learn Insider Trading On The Job

NEW YORK, NEW YORK—After four years of undergrad and 27 total rejections from CCC, CCG, CYC, and various other combinations of three letters on a sweater vest, recent AEM graduate Danny Michaelson ‘23 feared that he’d never be able to make it in the business world. However, after a little bit of on-the-job training, Michaelson has found that he can spend other people’s money, use a bluetooth earpiece, and commit fraud as well as anybody.

“It turns out insider trading is, like, super easy!” explained Michaelson. “At first I thought I’d be totally out of my depth, but it turns out that it’s exactly like taking an online prelim. You just go to your friend who already took the test, and ask him for the answers. So for business, you basically just call up your friend, and ask him if his company is gonna go kablooey or not, and then you make your decision before everyone else gets to know. No Sweat!” continued Michaelson, demonstrating his complete mastery over the world of finance.

Since starting his new position, Michaelson has sent 600+ LinkedIn connection requests and consumed 200+ cups of coffee, effectively completing a full three years worth of consulting club experience in just under three months. While some might have been burned out by the sheer level of deals and business that Michaelson is conducting, his drive has remained unaffected.

“I kinda thought that insider trading was suuuper illegal, but the guys let me know that it’s one of those fake illegal things, like jaywalking and cocaine,” said Michaelson. “A lot of my coworkers were in business clubs during college, but my boss says he’s never seen anyone make trades like me. He’s always asking me to sign lots of documents and record myself talking about all the stocks I’m buying.”

“I’m pretty sure he’s putting together a highlight reel for the Executives. I can’t wait to get promoted!”

God Commands Frat Bro to Build An Ark before Darty Foam Floods Collegetown

COLLEGETOWN–Noah Adamson ‘25, a new initiate at Delta Phi Chi fraternity, had hoped that his earthly horrors would cease after the pledging process. Yet, Noah’s mortal suffering has only heightened after a slightly-more-disturbing-than-normal Darty experience. 

After crushing 3 soapy cherry flavored white claws, Noah claims to have been spoken to by a burning keg. Our Father and LORD (Vice Dean of the Office of Spirituality) revealed to Noah that in 3 days, He would unleash the foam machines of Collegetown, smothering the sinful people of Cornell in a torrent of festive mediocrity. “I uhh, was just dozing off on Labor Day weekend, when suddenly I heard a loud voice saying that ‘the foam shall rise and the sinful shall perish from the earth’. He then said I had to build an ark of gopherwood 50 cube-somethings wide,” recalled Noah.  “I had to save 2 people of every major, before the foam came.”

Describing his vivid underwhelming prophecy, Noah claimed he saw thousands of day drinkers all over Collegetown, before a flash of red laser lights and the distinct sound of “No Hands” by Waka Flocka Flame. Then, the ground filled with cheap party foam, consuming the partiers, the other students, and then all the peoples of Ithaca.

When asked for comment, the LORD said: “And behold, I Myself am bringing foamwaters on the earth, to destroy from under heaven all flesh in which is the breath of life; everything that is on the earth shall be inconvenienced.”

Unfortunately, Noah did not set sail, as he was unable to identify literally any living soul enrolled in AAP. The impending flood will likely consume Collegetown, cleansing the dirty rushes once and for all.

“Ouchie Wouchie” IFC Still Reeling After Slap On The Wrist

UNIVERSITY AVE—The chapters of Cornell’s Interfraternity Council were left red-faced and teary-eyed after receiving a punishment of elementary proportions. While this majorly minor consequence will have almost no impact on the future operations of campus fraternities, the idea of any form of oversight on Greek organizations has taken a serious toll on many Big Red brothers.

“This is super duper unfair times a million,” stated an exasperated Zach Zimner ‘25, outraged at the stern scolding handed down by administration. “This one time, my mom grounded me in the third grade because I threw a pair of scissors at the substitute teacher, and this is even worse than that.” added Zimner. “We can still have philanthropy events, but that word is really really hard to pronounce.”

The ban on fraternity events is expected to be retracted by Cornell administration within the coming weeks, a decision that H.K. Johnson’s A Practical Guide to Parenting claims will only encourage further tantrums in the future. University higher-ups have been reluctant to hand down a more strict judgment due to fears that some chapters might throw a fit and hold their breath until they pass out.

“I just don’t understand why we have to get in trouble. It’s stupid,” proclaimed Tau Omega Tau president Pat Herman ‘23. “Now the new freshmen at rush don’t want to join our club and learn our secret handshake, ugh!” continued Herman, referring to the difficult process of selecting which potential new members would best perpetuate the most toxic elements of Greek life long into the future.

While critics of the current fraternity system have advocated for IFC to maintain the party moratorium, they were unable to be heard after all the brothers stuck their fingers in their ears and made farting noises with their tongues.

Fucked-Up Frat Travel Plans Sent Brothers To Absolute Rager in Miami, Ohio

WEST CAMPUS—After being swarmed with questions from friends as to why they missed the massive parties in South Beach last week, members of Pi Pi Delta fraternity explained that a booking error had sent them to party at Miami University of Ohio instead.

“Fuck bro, shit happens sometimes” Brad Nolan ‘23 admitted. “I will acknowledge that I was on an absolute bender for the entire third week of February, which is probably when I booked the tickets, so I don’t remember shit. But cut me some slack bro. I’m a junior in college with an absurdly high tolerance and no girlfriend, what the fuck else do you expect me to do in Ithaca during the winter?”

Nolan’s frat brothers expressed extreme disappointment at the mistaken travel arrangements, and nearly threw the young brother out of the fraternity altogether when the airport shuttle pulled up to a Best Western Sycamore Inn in a town where the closest thing to a beach was a swamp behind the local Wendy’s. However, brothers reported an absolutely sick Saturday night rally when they discovered none of the local bars bothered with carding.

“I take it all back, Miami (Ohio) fucking rules,” commented Chad Madison ‘24 as the brotherhood slammed back Kamikazes behind him. “My fake is literally my middle school portrait taped to an expired Barnes & Noble gift card and they just let me in! I love it here! This town has everything I could ever want: Republican women, mediocre football, and no social repercussions if I act like a total ass for five days!”

Following their return to Cornell, the fraternity discovered that, in an additional twist, their house had faced an attempted robbery during the break, which was held off by a freshman brother the fraternity had forgotten to invite on the vacation.

Frat DJ’s Status Reconsidered After Accidentally Playing Tchaikovsky’s Op.71: No.14, “Pas De Deux” At Rush Event

UNIVERSITY AVENUE —Beta Sigma DJ Peter Hans ‘23 has come under fire from the rest of the fraternity after a mishap at the most recent rush event at which he wasn’t paying attention and accidentally played Tchaikovsky’s Pas De Deux from the Nutcracker Suite.

The fraternity’s upper management has condemned Hans’ actions, stating that Beta Sig is no place for classical music and reiterating their hard work to maintain their reputation as “stinky, stinky menaces to society.”

The mistake was first noticed by Scottie McMasters, a freshman rushing the fraternity. “I was talking to the rush chair, Bongo, when I heard the most magical string melody coming from the speakers,” McMasters described. “It was hard to be sure over the sounds of everyone talking, so I asked Bongo if that was Tchaikovsky. He just told me that ‘there’s no one by that name in this frat’ before returning to our conversation about how even though our dads pay for our Mercedes, they’re still our cars.”

As more and more brothers were made aware of the abhorrent absence of Day ‘n’ Nite remixes playing, they hurled a barrage of insults at Hans. “I tried to convince them to at least wait until the horn section came in at the climax, but they were not having it,” sighed the impeached emcee.

Despite Hans’ egregious error, the Beta Sig nomination committee is struggling to find a replacement: “Nobody could play songs off Spotify and then twist knobs that aren’t connected to anything quite like him.”

Rush Chairs Note Increased Difficulty in Determining Wealth via Zoom

TRIPHAMMER ROAD—Online rush originally seemed a lot easier to coordinate for recruitment chairs, until they realized just how difficult it was to determine the familial wealth of each and every potential new member over video. 

“It used to be so easy to spot the Canada Geese amongst the other ducks, like a gold coin amongst pennies,” notes recruitment team leader Mackenzie Roth ‘23. “We would even inspect the jackets for fakes so effortlessly when the girls visited the house, but now it’s like, we have to do some real work. Do you know how hard it is to find these random parents’ tax statements?” 

The girls have not given up, however, with many fighting for their lives to bring in an impeccably affluent member class. In fact, many sororities have enlisted the work of a screen zoom feature, to be able to flush out every little detail of the Zoomer. 

An avid user of her computer’s enlarge feature, Roth noted the perils of her journey: “it’s, like, hard to tell if it’s real Cartier now. Like I can’t even touch it. We need brave soldiers like me to find out,” she said, inches away from the screen of her golden Mac, inspecting every pixel of a rushee for signs of a trust fund. 

At press time, Roth was seen at their computer getting to know the girl on the other side of the screen, asking, “So where do you summer?”