Tag Archives: Greek Life

Junior Drags Out Stained, Beer-Soaked Costume For Second Consecutive Halloweekend

COLLEGETOWN—Jessica Ashdale ’20 began unfurling her crumpled, uncomfortably-soggy baseball costume Friday evening in preparation for yet another weekend of costumed revelry. “How the hell did I get beer on every inch of this costume?” Ashdale said while examining the wadded XXL t-shirt she last tossed in the corner of her Read More

New Greek Life Rules Say Hazing Can Only Occur in Annexes

DAY HALL—The Cornell administration released sweeping new restrictions on Greek life featuring a rule that bans hazing inside of residential chapter houses, but would probably let that stuff slide in annexes. “I understand that there is a deep and storied history of new member education in Greek houses, but this Read More

Five Missing in Amazon After Latest IFC Jungle Juice Gathering Expedition

AMAZON RAINFOREST, BRAZIL—Tragedy struck the IFC last week when five students failed to return from the organization’s annual mission to collect the increasingly scarce jungle juice. “While we mourn the loss of our fellow brothers, we know their tragedy was not in vain. Each cooler we fill with the sweet Read More

OP-ED: I Rushed a Sorority as an Undercover Russian Agent

I am not a sorority girl. I enjoy neither the effeminate American beer nor singing the praises of true democracy with loud girls. However, after receiving orders from Putin himself, I found myself in the throngs of brainwashed, constitution-loving idiots, blending in well with my collection of Johnny Cash T-shirts. Read More

Fraternities Starting to Worry They Might Not Be Models of Respect and Tolerance on Campus

WEST CAMPUS—Following revelations that a campus fraternity conducted a contest in which new members racked up points based on having sexual intercourse, Cornell fraternities are starting to worry they might not be seen as models of tolerance and respect on campus. “I’ve always thought of us as pioneers when it Read More

OP-ED: I Don’t Know That Much About Greek Life, But Now That I Have Your Attention, Could You Take A Look At My Rash?

Hey there! Bet you saw the words “greek life” in the title and thought, “lookie here, another think piece weighing in on the current active discourse,” but nope, I don’t have much to say about Greek Life at all. But now that I have your attention, could you take a Read More

Geek Life Busted For Underage Thinking

CARPENTER LIBRARY—After reports of several 19-year-olds becoming hyperconscious at a party this past weekend, dozens of members of the Geek Life community at Cornell were busted for underage thinking. “Cornell police responded to several students acting illegally under the inference of human mortality,” said a representative of the Interfranerdity Council, Read More

Freshman Has Memory of Record 4 Nights of Wet Week

WEST CAMPUS — In an unprecedented sweep, Abigail Sanchez ‘20 remembered four entire nights of wet week, smashing the previous school record of two. “It’s all about the technique and staying hydrated,” said Sanchez, still visibly hungover. “You have to pace yourself until the end, and then give it 100% Read More