“Ouchie Wouchie” IFC Still Reeling After Slap On The Wrist

UNIVERSITY AVE—The chapters of Cornell’s Interfraternity Council were left red-faced and teary-eyed after receiving a punishment of elementary proportions. While this majorly minor consequence will have almost no impact on the future operations of campus fraternities, the idea of any form of oversight on Greek organizations has taken a serious toll on many Big Red brothers.

“This is super duper unfair times a million,” stated an exasperated Zach Zimner ‘25, outraged at the stern scolding handed down by administration. “This one time, my mom grounded me in the third grade because I threw a pair of scissors at the substitute teacher, and this is even worse than that.” added Zimner. “We can still have philanthropy events, but that word is really really hard to pronounce.”

The ban on fraternity events is expected to be retracted by Cornell administration within the coming weeks, a decision that H.K. Johnson’s A Practical Guide to Parenting claims will only encourage further tantrums in the future. University higher-ups have been reluctant to hand down a more strict judgment due to fears that some chapters might throw a fit and hold their breath until they pass out.

“I just don’t understand why we have to get in trouble. It’s stupid,” proclaimed Tau Omega Tau president Pat Herman ‘23. “Now the new freshmen at rush don’t want to join our club and learn our secret handshake, ugh!” continued Herman, referring to the difficult process of selecting which potential new members would best perpetuate the most toxic elements of Greek life long into the future.

While critics of the current fraternity system have advocated for IFC to maintain the party moratorium, they were unable to be heard after all the brothers stuck their fingers in their ears and made farting noises with their tongues.

Fucked-Up Frat Travel Plans Sent Brothers To Absolute Rager in Miami, Ohio

WEST CAMPUS—After being swarmed with questions from friends as to why they missed the massive parties in South Beach last week, members of Pi Pi Delta fraternity explained that a booking error had sent them to party at Miami University of Ohio instead.

“Fuck bro, shit happens sometimes” Brad Nolan ‘23 admitted. “I will acknowledge that I was on an absolute bender for the entire third week of February, which is probably when I booked the tickets, so I don’t remember shit. But cut me some slack bro. I’m a junior in college with an absurdly high tolerance and no girlfriend, what the fuck else do you expect me to do in Ithaca during the winter?”

Nolan’s frat brothers expressed extreme disappointment at the mistaken travel arrangements, and nearly threw the young brother out of the fraternity altogether when the airport shuttle pulled up to a Best Western Sycamore Inn in a town where the closest thing to a beach was a swamp behind the local Wendy’s. However, brothers reported an absolutely sick Saturday night rally when they discovered none of the local bars bothered with carding.

“I take it all back, Miami (Ohio) fucking rules,” commented Chad Madison ‘24 as the brotherhood slammed back Kamikazes behind him. “My fake is literally my middle school portrait taped to an expired Barnes & Noble gift card and they just let me in! I love it here! This town has everything I could ever want: Republican women, mediocre football, and no social repercussions if I act like a total ass for five days!”

Following their return to Cornell, the fraternity discovered that, in an additional twist, their house had faced an attempted robbery during the break, which was held off by a freshman brother the fraternity had forgotten to invite on the vacation.

Frat DJ’s Status Reconsidered After Accidentally Playing Tchaikovsky’s Op.71: No.14, “Pas De Deux” At Rush Event

UNIVERSITY AVENUE —Beta Sigma DJ Peter Hans ‘23 has come under fire from the rest of the fraternity after a mishap at the most recent rush event at which he wasn’t paying attention and accidentally played Tchaikovsky’s Pas De Deux from the Nutcracker Suite.

The fraternity’s upper management has condemned Hans’ actions, stating that Beta Sig is no place for classical music and reiterating their hard work to maintain their reputation as “stinky, stinky menaces to society.”

The mistake was first noticed by Scottie McMasters, a freshman rushing the fraternity. “I was talking to the rush chair, Bongo, when I heard the most magical string melody coming from the speakers,” McMasters described. “It was hard to be sure over the sounds of everyone talking, so I asked Bongo if that was Tchaikovsky. He just told me that ‘there’s no one by that name in this frat’ before returning to our conversation about how even though our dads pay for our Mercedes, they’re still our cars.”

As more and more brothers were made aware of the abhorrent absence of Day ‘n’ Nite remixes playing, they hurled a barrage of insults at Hans. “I tried to convince them to at least wait until the horn section came in at the climax, but they were not having it,” sighed the impeached emcee.

Despite Hans’ egregious error, the Beta Sig nomination committee is struggling to find a replacement: “Nobody could play songs off Spotify and then twist knobs that aren’t connected to anything quite like him.”

Rush Chairs Note Increased Difficulty in Determining Wealth via Zoom

TRIPHAMMER ROAD—Online rush originally seemed a lot easier to coordinate for recruitment chairs, until they realized just how difficult it was to determine the familial wealth of each and every potential new member over video. 

“It used to be so easy to spot the Canada Geese amongst the other ducks, like a gold coin amongst pennies,” notes recruitment team leader Mackenzie Roth ‘23. “We would even inspect the jackets for fakes so effortlessly when the girls visited the house, but now it’s like, we have to do some real work. Do you know how hard it is to find these random parents’ tax statements?” 

The girls have not given up, however, with many fighting for their lives to bring in an impeccably affluent member class. In fact, many sororities have enlisted the work of a screen zoom feature, to be able to flush out every little detail of the Zoomer. 

An avid user of her computer’s enlarge feature, Roth noted the perils of her journey: “it’s, like, hard to tell if it’s real Cartier now. Like I can’t even touch it. We need brave soldiers like me to find out,” she said, inches away from the screen of her golden Mac, inspecting every pixel of a rushee for signs of a trust fund. 

At press time, Roth was seen at their computer getting to know the girl on the other side of the screen, asking, “So where do you summer?”

Study: Plot of Grass in Shade Has Gotten More Ass Than All Greek Life Combined

ARTS QUAD—According to a landmark study released in an unprecedented joint collaboration between Cornell’s Plant Science and Psychology departments, grass that’s conveniently located beneath the motherly shade of a firm oak tree is getting way more ass than the combined membership of all Greek Life.


“I initially laughed when my advisee said he wanted to investigate how much ass grass got,” said psychology professor Matthew Hitcherson. “But after spending an hour on the Arts Quad, observing how eager Cornell students are to throw down their derriere on the nearest open ground, cleanliness be damned, I realized we had another epidemic on our hands.”


Hitcherson sought out professor of plant science Amanda Maronta and together they observed the characteristics of grass that allowed it to pull more than a top house.


“Over the course of that first week, we found that your average shaded plot of grass has the sexual appeal of Fight Club Brad Pitt,” says Maronta. “Now I know the youth these days are a little—what do you call it?—brazy, but not even the combined might of three wine tours, two sloshy six-ways, and four sorority formals can compare to the pure attractiveness of a nice thick, lanky patch of green under the cool protection of nature’s lungs.”


Hitcherson’s advisee, Chet Battersworth ‘24 of Delta Theta Omega, had different concerns.


“I’m an economics minor so I’m used to examining the big picture of things, especially the unintended consequences of trends,” Battersworth said. “Ass is a scarce good, and I thought to myself, what are the externalities of grass getting all this ass? So I looked into it, and we found a direct link between every bottom placed upon greensward under a sturdy hardwood and the decline of Greek Life members’ extracurriculars-after-dark.”


Even the blades of grass count themselves lucky having been born into a privileged community. “Could you imagine if I hadn’t been planted under the coddling and protection of a shade-giving tree?” asks Gillette, a blade of grass located under tree number six on the Arts Quad. “I’d have negative game, like someone in Greek Life.”


Hitcherson and his adviser went different directions with their conclusions. Battersworth vowed to fight against the impact of grass on the ass economy, whereas Hitcherson concluded that perhaps Freud was right, and Cornell students’ preference for giving grass ass was oedipal in nature, pining for humanity’s collective parent: Mother Earth.

Cornell’s Business Frats Shocked To Learn Of Radical New Networking Technique Called “Making Friends In Class”

DYSON—Cornell University’s business fraternities are in a state of totality after a stunning revelation has upended their very world. It all began Monday morning when during a recruiting call with Morgan Stanley, the moderator Kaity Moleeto ‘17 revealed that she had first been drawn to investment banking when a classmate in her financial accounting course during her freshman year asked if she had any interest in entering finance. When asked during the Q&A which business fraternity Moleeto had been a part of in her time at Cornell, the alumna paused for a moment before saying “I’m going to level with you guys, I never saw the need to join one. I was able to connect with enough people who would be in the industry with me by making friends in class.”

The shockwaves that Moleeto inadvertently created have caused an identity crisis among the business fraternities on campus. It would appear that the radical notion of being friendly to peers in class has largely not been factored into the culture of Cornell’s business frats, which have relied on endless case studies and binge drinking as their foremost networking practices.

Roberta Hoal, a junior in Dyson who attended the call, was astonished by this notion- “What did she mean she wasn’t in a business frat? How can you work in finance if you don’t join PGN, DSP, or even the Cornell Hedge Fund??”

Hoal was not the only audience member who was taken aback by the idea of someone successfully networking outside of a pre-professional setting. Aidan Swaak, a senior who sources claim “won’t shut the fuck up” about his return offer to Citi, was visibly crushed to learn that making friends in class is also a good way to find connections in finance.

“I honestly don’t know how to move forward. I’ve been in a business frat since I was a freshman thinking that was the only way to make it to Wall Street.” said Swaak, continuing, “I wouldn’t have spent hours in Excel doing analytical simulations if I’d known the kids in my classes were also trying to work in finance.”

“These COVID Restrictions Are Tyrannical,” Complain Frats While Spitting Directly Into Each Other’s Mouths

COLLEGETOWN—As Cornell announced a new list of COVID-19 restrictions, campus fraternities voiced concern about the new rules as only Greek life can: through dramatic gestures that almost certainly make the issue worse.

“This is a matter of principle,” commented Zeta Gamma president James Mendelson ‘22. “We checked, and there is nothing in the rules that specifically says we cannot spit into each other’s mouths, so long as we do it outside while six feet apart. Frankly, that last bit has made this whole thing a bit difficult, but if I could take the ZG Pong Championship as a freshman, I could do this, no sweat. Administration needs to know we will not stand idly by while they arbitrarily assign new rules and then take them away when cases go down.”

Cornell’s fraternity council has tapped into anger shared by many among students and faculty, albeit in an unconventional manner. Following a faculty letter to the Provost urging better safeguards against the pandemic, frats have redoubled their efforts slinging saliva in solidarity with the worried educators. After a weekend of protest led directly to greater restrictions, fraternity brothers are certain their efforts are making a difference on campus.

James Donnoly PhD ‘85, a professor in CAS, expressed confusion at the protests. “Wait, they think we’re on their side?” he asked. “The entire point is that restrictions have no enforcement mechanism. Students roam the halls without masks, and some of us have immune disorders or family members at risk. We’re crowded into halls with no ability to shift anything online and no options for flexible teaching. They just threw like 20 darties without masks, and they think projectile phlegm is going to help us?”

As new fraternities sign on to the Spit Solidarity Campaign, the movement only seems to be gathering support. At press time, several fraternities have begun plans for a Spittle Sharpshooter fundraiser to advocate for frat members unjustly quarantined since protests began.

Campus Professional Fraternities Compete to See Who Can Most Creatively Reject Students of Color

WARREN HALL—During a rush season that was stressful for everyone, Cornell professional fraternities had a particularly difficult time competing with each other to see who could come up with the most ingenious excuse for yet another class of inductees looking like an assortment of Michael Cera’s stunt doubles, but without any of the charisma.

“Look, we selected the most qualified applicants, regardless of race, color, or creed,” said Johnathan Neal ‘21, head of a prominent business fraternity. “And it just so happened that this time around, all of the best applicants happened to share the exact same skin tone, gender, and affinity for completely unseasoned food. It’s not like we select for that kind of thing, those just seem to be the type of people attracted to a fraternity that talks about Wall Street bankers like they’re sports heroes and pretend they understand economics after one macro class.”

In an anonymous interview, one rejected rushee detailed several sources of bias in the rushing process, including an eating contest consisting entirely of Uncrustables sandwiches, a group watch party of 2018’s Green Book, and a question asked to all applicants meant to assess their love for frisbee golf.

“I’ll admit, we aren’t the most diverse group looks-wise,” mentioned recent inductee Bryce Smith. “But we have a lot of diverse backgrounds in our frat. Tom over there actually spent a semester overseas in England, whereas I spent my summer last year along the French Riviera with my father and both of his girlfriends. And beyond that, the other applicants just wouldn’t fit in with us. One guy said he thought Eminem was kind of past his prime, and that’s just unacceptable? Can you imagine hanging with that guy for a year? I wouldn’t be able to use half my workout playlist!”

Yesterday, the fraternity formally inducted its 10 homogeneous new members with the traditional screening of Fight Club, dinner from Wings Over Ithaca, and arm wrestling tournament.

President Pollack Announces Greek Life Members to Be Swabbed Every Thirty Minutes

DAY HALL–In a virtual statement given this morning President Pollack informed the plague-ridden student body that effective immediately, all Greek life members will be subject to coronavirus testing every thirty minutes.

“Listen up, motherfuckers,” Pollack growled. “It’s Martha rules from now on. From now on, no brother or sister will be able to eat, sleep, or do body shots off a stranger’s belly button without stopping every thirty minutes to be nasally penetrated by four inches of hard, unyielding q-tip.”

A fraternity brother started to protest, but was immediately silenced by a figure in a hazmat suit firing a modified rifle that blasted a swab directly into his nose, leaving his body twitching over the Zoom feed. Pollack could be heard describing the scene as “Now that’s takin’ care of business, Martha-style” before resuming her speech. 

“This thirty minute thing is just the beginning. You cough once? That’s a supplemental corona test. Make eye contact with another person? Supplemental corona test. And by god, brother, if we catch you at a party the only thing that’s stopping this foot from going directly up your ass is that there’ll be a corona swab there already.” 

Pollack concluded her speech by politely assuring students that, as always, any houses who didn’t want to follow the new rules could have one of their alumni send Cornell a large check. 

Parents Who Said College Would Be “The Best Four Years of Your Life” Conveniently Quiet Now

Los Angeles—After a completely dry semester spent playing Among Us and aimlessly staring at the ceiling of his dorm lounge, Trent Jackson ’24 began listing the names of the lying adults who told him college would be “the best four years” of his life. 

“My dad used to tell me his college stories: frats, bars, intramurals, peeing off balconies, you know, the whole shebang. Then around June he stopped and told me to make the best of what I had,” said Jackson as he scrolled through the list of family members who were dead to him. “I was promised parties every day, life-changing professors, and a chance encounter in the rain with my future wife. What the fuck, Dad?” 

Jackson reserved a portion of his righteous anger for his other family members too. 

“Even my uncle, legendary UMich frat star and current high school football coach, is scared to talk about college with me,” said Jackson. “But like why? I’m okay. I’m totally fine. This is just how I imagined these four years. It’s not like they filled my head with unreasonable expectations and then hoped that I would forget them. Right?” 

At press time, Jackson was found wistfully scrolling through Instagram’s backlog of old Slope Day pictures while his parents huddled together in their office brainstorming a list of safe, non-college related topics to talk to their son about.