“One Must Imagine Sisyphus Happy,” Says Frat Pledge Assigned to Clean up Infinite Sand After Tropical-Themed Party

EDDY STREET—There is little more sacred and unchanging in this world than the duty of a new Fraternity Pledge to clean up after a party. Unfortunately for Hayden Mendoza ‘27, his fraternity decided to end the year with a “tropical-themed” bash. As soon as the stumbling mass of Hawaiian shirts faded into the distance, Mendoza…

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“Silly Drink Paint Thursdays” Revealed To Be Hazing All Along

UNIVERSITY AVE—Aspiring brothers of Beta Sigma fraternity were shocked to find out that their favorite weekly pledge event “Silly Drink Paint Thursday” was actually hazing. Beta Sigma was one of many fraternities placed under suspension by the University amidst a crackdown on hazing. Brothers and pledges alike were caught off guard by the punishment, unsure…

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Frat With No Pledges Handing Out Sad Little Pamphlets Outside Dining Hall Like An A Capella Group

MORRISON DINING–As rush came to a close and Cornell’s myriad of Greek life organizations made their final bids, several fraternities found themselves still in search of new members. “We were expecting a real jungle juice of pledges,” said Gentry Lancaster ‘25, president of Phi Omega Omega. “But, bro, we barely got a shot’s worth. Most…

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“Hey Why is That Guy in the Cop Costume Using Tear Gas on Innocent Civilians?” Frat Doorman Realizes He Messed Up Big Time

STEWART AVE—The many responsibilities of a frat brother can be difficult to juggle. Managing throwing parties, violently hazing freshmen, and covering up said hazing all at once is a tough ask. So when pledge brother Austin Anders ‘26 was put on door duty for Alpha Pi Ro Kappa Delta Gamma’s Halloween party, mistakes–such as welcoming…

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God Commands Frat Bro to Build An Ark before Darty Foam Floods Collegetown

COLLEGETOWN–Noah Adamson ‘25, a new initiate at Delta Phi Chi fraternity, had hoped that his earthly horrors would cease after the pledging process. Yet, Noah’s mortal suffering has only heightened after a slightly-more-disturbing-than-normal Darty experience.  After crushing 3 soapy cherry flavored white claws, Noah claims to have been spoken to by a burning keg. Our…

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“Ouchie Wouchie” IFC Still Reeling After Slap On The Wrist

UNIVERSITY AVE—The chapters of Cornell’s Interfraternity Council were left red-faced and teary-eyed after receiving a punishment of elementary proportions. While this majorly minor consequence will have almost no impact on the future operations of campus fraternities, the idea of any form of oversight on Greek organizations has taken a serious toll on many Big Red…

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Frat DJ’s Status Reconsidered After Accidentally Playing Tchaikovsky’s Op.71: No.14, “Pas De Deux” At Rush Event

UNIVERSITY AVENUE —Beta Sigma DJ Peter Hans ‘23 has come under fire from the rest of the fraternity after a mishap at the most recent rush event at which he wasn’t paying attention and accidentally played Tchaikovsky’s Pas De Deux from the Nutcracker Suite. The fraternity’s upper management has condemned Hans’ actions, stating that Beta…

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