Uh Oh! Worst Person You Know Still Talking About Steve Aoki Concert

NORTHEAST ITHACA—With the arrival of October, the Homecoming festivities have finally come to a close at Cornell University. However, one eager student with cash to blow has not gotten the message.

“Did you know that I had the blessed chance to see once-in-a-lifetime music revolutionary Steve Aoki at the ZBT house?” asked sophomore transfer Jackson Philippe ‘26 to literally anyone within 50 feet of him at the current moment.

Apparently, the EDM sensation out of the early 2010s decided his career was finally coming to a close when he accepted an invitation from the Cornell chapter of the Zeta Beta Tau house to perform on Saturday night. This newest gig was done in front of college students who were between the ages of 8 and 11 years old when he was last recognizable.

When asked to comment on the concert, students were apparently too busy stumbling around aimlessly in the dark, disoriented by the repetitive, head-banging, rage-inducing commotion the musician had brought to Cornell.

This did not stop Jackson, who decided to make the concert all about himself by personally smashing fully baked cakes into the faces of his fellow concert-goers. Such pastry pandemonium did not stop until CUPD made an appearance. In fact, it did not take them long, for they were able to follow in the direction of the music from over 2 miles away.

“Just once could we have someone relevant to the current decade make the over 200 mile trip up from New York City to Ithaca?” cried Felicia Donaghy ‘25. 

Even though most students had forgotten about Mr. Aoki only minutes after the concert ended, nobody knows how long die-hard fan Jackson will continue to bring up this horrid memory to his fellow Cornellians.

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