MORRISON DINING–As rush came to a close and Cornell’s myriad of Greek life organizations made their final bids, several fraternities found themselves still in search of new members.
“We were expecting a real jungle juice of pledges,” said Gentry Lancaster ‘25, president of Phi Omega Omega. “But, bro, we barely got a shot’s worth. Most of these guys just dipped after we bought them dinner.” He shook his head ruefully. “I’ve been leaving my contact info with all of the dudes I see jostling each other in the hall and shouting in the library. But, to be honest, we’re scraping the bottom of the keg here.”
In a last-ditch effort to generate applicant interest, Phi Omega Omega has resorted to unconventional recruiting methods, including setting up pathetic little pamphlet stations outside the doors of North Campus dining halls.
“It was kind of depressing,” remarked David Ramos ‘27, a passerby. “One of them was wearing a sooty newsboy cap and shaking a tin cup. He promised me that if I joined, they’d only haze me, like, a little. I felt so bad I almost pledged then and there.”
On the nearby sidewalk, several brothers attempted to expand their recruiting effort with a cutesy chalk art of their fraternity seal, although the task was hindered by melting snow and eventually abandoned. Participating brothers described the exercise as “utterly humiliating”, “artistically discouraging”, “emasculating”, and “low-key just fuckin’ lame, man”.
Fortunately, Lancaster reassured us that Phi Omega Omega has a failsafe just in case their innovative new recruitment strategies don’t pan out. He explained that most of Cornell’s frats are so incredibly elite, respectable and exclusive that they’re bound to have hordes of desperate, wealthy young men clamoring to join. “We can simply scoop up their rejects,” concluded the president. If luck holds, the historic brotherhood may just survive another year.