Frat With No Pledges Handing Out Sad Little Pamphlets Outside Dining Hall Like An A Capella Group

MORRISON DINING–As rush came to a close and Cornell’s myriad of Greek life organizations made their final bids, several fraternities found themselves still in search of new members.

“We were expecting a real jungle juice of pledges,” said Gentry Lancaster ‘25, president of Phi Omega Omega. “But, bro, we barely got a shot’s worth. Most of these guys just dipped after we bought them dinner.” He shook his head ruefully. “I’ve been leaving my contact info with all of the dudes I see jostling each other in the hall and shouting in the library. But, to be honest, we’re scraping the bottom of the keg here.”

In a last-ditch effort to generate applicant interest, Phi Omega Omega has resorted to unconventional recruiting methods, including setting up pathetic little pamphlet stations outside the doors of North Campus dining halls. 

“It was kind of depressing,” remarked David Ramos ‘27, a passerby. “One of them was wearing a sooty newsboy cap and shaking a tin cup. He promised me that if I joined, they’d only haze me, like, a little. I felt so bad I almost pledged then and there.”

On the nearby sidewalk, several brothers attempted to expand their recruiting effort with a cutesy chalk art of their fraternity seal, although the task was hindered by melting snow and eventually abandoned. Participating brothers described the exercise as “utterly humiliating”, “artistically discouraging”, “emasculating”, and “low-key just fuckin’ lame, man”.

Fortunately, Lancaster reassured us that Phi Omega Omega has a failsafe just in case their innovative new recruitment strategies don’t pan out. He explained that most of Cornell’s frats are so incredibly elite, respectable and exclusive that they’re bound to have hordes of desperate, wealthy young men clamoring to join. “We can simply scoop up their rejects,” concluded the president. If luck holds, the historic brotherhood may just survive another year.

Uh Oh! Worst Person You Know Still Talking About Steve Aoki Concert

NORTHEAST ITHACA—With the arrival of October, the Homecoming festivities have finally come to a close at Cornell University. However, one eager student with cash to blow has not gotten the message.

“Did you know that I had the blessed chance to see once-in-a-lifetime music revolutionary Steve Aoki at the ZBT house?” asked sophomore transfer Jackson Philippe ‘26 to literally anyone within 50 feet of him at the current moment.

Apparently, the EDM sensation out of the early 2010s decided his career was finally coming to a close when he accepted an invitation from the Cornell chapter of the Zeta Beta Tau house to perform on Saturday night. This newest gig was done in front of college students who were between the ages of 8 and 11 years old when he was last recognizable.

When asked to comment on the concert, students were apparently too busy stumbling around aimlessly in the dark, disoriented by the repetitive, head-banging, rage-inducing commotion the musician had brought to Cornell.

This did not stop Jackson, who decided to make the concert all about himself by personally smashing fully baked cakes into the faces of his fellow concert-goers. Such pastry pandemonium did not stop until CUPD made an appearance. In fact, it did not take them long, for they were able to follow in the direction of the music from over 2 miles away.

“Just once could we have someone relevant to the current decade make the over 200 mile trip up from New York City to Ithaca?” cried Felicia Donaghy ‘25. 

Even though most students had forgotten about Mr. Aoki only minutes after the concert ended, nobody knows how long die-hard fan Jackson will continue to bring up this horrid memory to his fellow Cornellians.

God Commands Frat Bro to Build An Ark before Darty Foam Floods Collegetown

COLLEGETOWN–Noah Adamson ‘25, a new initiate at Delta Phi Chi fraternity, had hoped that his earthly horrors would cease after the pledging process. Yet, Noah’s mortal suffering has only heightened after a slightly-more-disturbing-than-normal Darty experience. 

After crushing 3 soapy cherry flavored white claws, Noah claims to have been spoken to by a burning keg. Our Father and LORD (Vice Dean of the Office of Spirituality) revealed to Noah that in 3 days, He would unleash the foam machines of Collegetown, smothering the sinful people of Cornell in a torrent of festive mediocrity. “I uhh, was just dozing off on Labor Day weekend, when suddenly I heard a loud voice saying that ‘the foam shall rise and the sinful shall perish from the earth’. He then said I had to build an ark of gopherwood 50 cube-somethings wide,” recalled Noah.  “I had to save 2 people of every major, before the foam came.”

Describing his vivid underwhelming prophecy, Noah claimed he saw thousands of day drinkers all over Collegetown, before a flash of red laser lights and the distinct sound of “No Hands” by Waka Flocka Flame. Then, the ground filled with cheap party foam, consuming the partiers, the other students, and then all the peoples of Ithaca.

When asked for comment, the LORD said: “And behold, I Myself am bringing foamwaters on the earth, to destroy from under heaven all flesh in which is the breath of life; everything that is on the earth shall be inconvenienced.”

Unfortunately, Noah did not set sail, as he was unable to identify literally any living soul enrolled in AAP. The impending flood will likely consume Collegetown, cleansing the dirty rushes once and for all.

“Ouchie Wouchie” IFC Still Reeling After Slap On The Wrist

UNIVERSITY AVE—The chapters of Cornell’s Interfraternity Council were left red-faced and teary-eyed after receiving a punishment of elementary proportions. While this majorly minor consequence will have almost no impact on the future operations of campus fraternities, the idea of any form of oversight on Greek organizations has taken a serious toll on many Big Red brothers.

“This is super duper unfair times a million,” stated an exasperated Zach Zimner ‘25, outraged at the stern scolding handed down by administration. “This one time, my mom grounded me in the third grade because I threw a pair of scissors at the substitute teacher, and this is even worse than that.” added Zimner. “We can still have philanthropy events, but that word is really really hard to pronounce.”

The ban on fraternity events is expected to be retracted by Cornell administration within the coming weeks, a decision that H.K. Johnson’s A Practical Guide to Parenting claims will only encourage further tantrums in the future. University higher-ups have been reluctant to hand down a more strict judgment due to fears that some chapters might throw a fit and hold their breath until they pass out.

“I just don’t understand why we have to get in trouble. It’s stupid,” proclaimed Tau Omega Tau president Pat Herman ‘23. “Now the new freshmen at rush don’t want to join our club and learn our secret handshake, ugh!” continued Herman, referring to the difficult process of selecting which potential new members would best perpetuate the most toxic elements of Greek life long into the future.

While critics of the current fraternity system have advocated for IFC to maintain the party moratorium, they were unable to be heard after all the brothers stuck their fingers in their ears and made farting noises with their tongues.

Fucked-Up Frat Travel Plans Sent Brothers To Absolute Rager in Miami, Ohio

WEST CAMPUS—After being swarmed with questions from friends as to why they missed the massive parties in South Beach last week, members of Pi Pi Delta fraternity explained that a booking error had sent them to party at Miami University of Ohio instead.

“Fuck bro, shit happens sometimes” Brad Nolan ‘23 admitted. “I will acknowledge that I was on an absolute bender for the entire third week of February, which is probably when I booked the tickets, so I don’t remember shit. But cut me some slack bro. I’m a junior in college with an absurdly high tolerance and no girlfriend, what the fuck else do you expect me to do in Ithaca during the winter?”

Nolan’s frat brothers expressed extreme disappointment at the mistaken travel arrangements, and nearly threw the young brother out of the fraternity altogether when the airport shuttle pulled up to a Best Western Sycamore Inn in a town where the closest thing to a beach was a swamp behind the local Wendy’s. However, brothers reported an absolutely sick Saturday night rally when they discovered none of the local bars bothered with carding.

“I take it all back, Miami (Ohio) fucking rules,” commented Chad Madison ‘24 as the brotherhood slammed back Kamikazes behind him. “My fake is literally my middle school portrait taped to an expired Barnes & Noble gift card and they just let me in! I love it here! This town has everything I could ever want: Republican women, mediocre football, and no social repercussions if I act like a total ass for five days!”

Following their return to Cornell, the fraternity discovered that, in an additional twist, their house had faced an attempted robbery during the break, which was held off by a freshman brother the fraternity had forgotten to invite on the vacation.

Study: Plot of Grass in Shade Has Gotten More Ass Than All Greek Life Combined

ARTS QUAD—According to a landmark study released in an unprecedented joint collaboration between Cornell’s Plant Science and Psychology departments, grass that’s conveniently located beneath the motherly shade of a firm oak tree is getting way more ass than the combined membership of all Greek Life.

 

“I initially laughed when my advisee said he wanted to investigate how much ass grass got,” said psychology professor Matthew Hitcherson. “But after spending an hour on the Arts Quad, observing how eager Cornell students are to throw down their derriere on the nearest open ground, cleanliness be damned, I realized we had another epidemic on our hands.”

 

Hitcherson sought out professor of plant science Amanda Maronta and together they observed the characteristics of grass that allowed it to pull more than a top house.

 

“Over the course of that first week, we found that your average shaded plot of grass has the sexual appeal of Fight Club Brad Pitt,” says Maronta. “Now I know the youth these days are a little—what do you call it?—brazy, but not even the combined might of three wine tours, two sloshy six-ways, and four sorority formals can compare to the pure attractiveness of a nice thick, lanky patch of green under the cool protection of nature’s lungs.”

 

Hitcherson’s advisee, Chet Battersworth ‘24 of Delta Theta Omega, had different concerns.

 

“I’m an economics minor so I’m used to examining the big picture of things, especially the unintended consequences of trends,” Battersworth said. “Ass is a scarce good, and I thought to myself, what are the externalities of grass getting all this ass? So I looked into it, and we found a direct link between every bottom placed upon greensward under a sturdy hardwood and the decline of Greek Life members’ extracurriculars-after-dark.”

 

Even the blades of grass count themselves lucky having been born into a privileged community. “Could you imagine if I hadn’t been planted under the coddling and protection of a shade-giving tree?” asks Gillette, a blade of grass located under tree number six on the Arts Quad. “I’d have negative game, like someone in Greek Life.”

 

Hitcherson and his adviser went different directions with their conclusions. Battersworth vowed to fight against the impact of grass on the ass economy, whereas Hitcherson concluded that perhaps Freud was right, and Cornell students’ preference for giving grass ass was oedipal in nature, pining for humanity’s collective parent: Mother Earth.

Proactive Fraternity Kicks Off Dirty Hazing

WEST CAMPUS—After concluding its dirty rush process, campus fraternity Kappa Mu Psi has begun forcing new members to undergo its dirty hazing process.

“Now that the freshmen have gotten a chance to see the house and meet the brothers, it’s a perfect time to start physically and mentally abusing them so they feel more connected as a people-who-may-rush class,” said KMP President Jack Swarthson ‘19. “We already have eight freshmen handcuffed to the pledge couch right now, so it’s off to a great start.”

The dirty hazing process has gotten rave reviews from the freshmen involved, who say they appreciate being able to spend all night outside in their underwear now rather than mid-February.

To ensure the dirty hazing events will get a good showing, Kappa Mu Psi brothers have been inviting freshmen to the winter buffet of paddles and gallons of different alcohols. “The school should by no means consider this an official hazing event,” clarified Swarthson. “It’s open to the public, so anyone could get hazed if they wanted—it just happens that everyone here is a brother or potential pledge.”  

Pre-Professional Fraternity Lowers Acceptance Rate to Zero Percent

GOLDWIN SMITH HALL—The Kappa Chapter of Delta Iota Kappa Pre-Finance Fraternity has announced they have lowered acceptance into the fraternity for the fifth year in a row, taking zero applicants into their Fall 2018 pledge class.

Fraternity President Harrison Kennedy III explained the decision in an email to rushes.

“Unfortunately, none of you were able to meet the standard necessary for entry into this illustrious organization and access to our perks,” it read, “including a Brooks Brothers tab and the guarantee of at least one friend who has an uncle who’s a VP at Goldman Sachs.”

Many brothers of the Kappa chapter are excited by the move to turn away every single one of the five hundred applicants. “Besides us all vacationing in the same part of the Hamptons, the pure rush of power we get by rejecting our peers is the glue that holds this organization together,” said brother Paul Bush V. “I know I will be wearing my letters around campus a lot more now.”

Other pre-professional fraternities are expected to make similar changes to protect their own elite reputations, which will bring down membership in such groups to an estimated three by spring of 2022.