ARTS QUAD—According to a landmark study released in an unprecedented joint collaboration between Cornell’s Plant Science and Psychology departments, grass that’s conveniently located beneath the motherly shade of a firm oak tree is getting way more ass than the combined membership of all Greek Life.
“I initially laughed when my advisee said he wanted to investigate how much ass grass got,” said psychology professor Matthew Hitcherson. “But after spending an hour on the Arts Quad, observing how eager Cornell students are to throw down their derriere on the nearest open ground, cleanliness be damned, I realized we had another epidemic on our hands.”
Hitcherson sought out professor of plant science Amanda Maronta and together they observed the characteristics of grass that allowed it to pull more than a top house.
“Over the course of that first week, we found that your average shaded plot of grass has the sexual appeal of Fight Club Brad Pitt,” says Maronta. “Now I know the youth these days are a little—what do you call it?—brazy, but not even the combined might of three wine tours, two sloshy six-ways, and four sorority formals can compare to the pure attractiveness of a nice thick, lanky patch of green under the cool protection of nature’s lungs.”
Hitcherson’s advisee, Chet Battersworth ‘24 of Delta Theta Omega, had different concerns.
“I’m an economics minor so I’m used to examining the big picture of things, especially the unintended consequences of trends,” Battersworth said. “Ass is a scarce good, and I thought to myself, what are the externalities of grass getting all this ass? So I looked into it, and we found a direct link between every bottom placed upon greensward under a sturdy hardwood and the decline of Greek Life members’ extracurriculars-after-dark.”
Even the blades of grass count themselves lucky having been born into a privileged community. “Could you imagine if I hadn’t been planted under the coddling and protection of a shade-giving tree?” asks Gillette, a blade of grass located under tree number six on the Arts Quad. “I’d have negative game, like someone in Greek Life.”
Hitcherson and his adviser went different directions with their conclusions. Battersworth vowed to fight against the impact of grass on the ass economy, whereas Hitcherson concluded that perhaps Freud was right, and Cornell students’ preference for giving grass ass was oedipal in nature, pining for humanity’s collective parent: Mother Earth.