OP-ED: The Way I Got the Vaccine is Actually Ethical, I Promise

I am a simple man, really.  Every day, I wake up, put my pants on one leg at time, enjoy a cup of coffee, and commit all my other silly tasks just like the rest of these plebeians I call peers. What sets me apart, you may ask? Unlike those vulnerable fools, I actually qualify for the vaccine across five different categories (six on a good day). 

Yes, you heard me right, I am ethically immune: no antibodies or terror necessary. My aforementioned fellow students admittedly have not asked about my journey to the mythical land of Syracuse, but my travels there were valiant. Driving back down Route 81, frigid wind in my no longer immunocompromised hair, it felt good to be the hero. I was Odysseus, and this was my Odyssey. 

Back in Ithaca, few things in life feel as good as being the literal savior of my friend group. Although they do not yet see my power, I am certain they soon will. Yesterday, I invited them all over to spit in my mouth, just for fun! When was the last time someone spit in any of their mouths, much less 7 people? Exactly. Those virgins could not even begin to compete with me. 

Four magnificent days have elapsed since my second dosage, and although the “I’m Vaccinated!” the sticker has kept its tantalizing allure, it is beginning to lose its adhesiveness. Do not worry though, I just bought some scotch tape for this exact purpose. I shall don my prize another day. 


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