OP-ED: If I Oversleep And You’re Walking Slowly In Front Of Me As I’m Late To Class, I Should Be Allowed To Kick You Like A Horse

ITHACA- Slow walkers have long been a burden on society, but since quarantine has ended they’ve only gotten worse. I didn’t think those meandering menaces could honestly get much slower, but here we are. The most infuriating part about their speed, or lack thereof, is that they fail to consider the schedule of others and take their sweet time getting to wherever they’re going at their glacial-like pace. This outward disregard for the lives of others in frankly concerning, seeing as a person who doesn’t care if someone else is on time or late is clearly capable of anything (other than walking at a normal fucking gait). It is precisely because of this willful dismissiveness for their fellow man, that I firmly believe that I should be allowed to kick slow walkers on their sides, much like a cowboy spurs his horse on the sides to sprint ahead.

While my detractors may say that slow walkers are not the problem or that I should “try waking up earlier,” I view these apologists as just as bad, if not worse. Allow me to explain my rationale: If I wake up at 10:55 for my 11:25, I am NOT late seeing as, although I overslept, if I am out the door at 11:15, I should be able to make it to class on time. But if I get stuck behind one of these motherfuckers who strolls aimlessly and without purpose, then I am LATE. If I am to be made late by someone traveling so slowly, I should be allowed to encourage them to make haste by any means necessary, including, but not limited to kicking their sides and yelling “hyah!” to spurn them into speed.

This is not an indictment of slow walkers (although they deserve to spend eternity burning in the ninth circle of hell) but rather an argument to increase the efficiency of sidewalks. Walking up Libe Slope feels like a chore normally, but when trapped behind a slow walker it becomes a 15-minute ordeal that only makes the experience worse in every conceivable way. Or College Ave, crossing onto campus from Collegetown, where the narrow sidewalks can be entirely bottlenecked by one or two of these sloths. Accordingly, to maximize the efficiency of our walking paths and for our participation credits, we should be able to kick these slowpokes to make it to class on time.

Op-Ed: Why I Won’t Be Sending My Super Spicy Manifesto to the Sun’s Op-Ed Section

I have a take that is probably hotter than a damn quasar, but you will never see it published in the Daily Sun Opinion section. While my piece would definitely scorch Guest Room like the Notre Dame Cathedral, I feel like my earth-shattering letter would just get lost in the shuffle of entirely unfounded, trigger-happy writing. My take is not “be happy rich kids go here” hot, nor as toasty as “grade deflation is real, sheeple: let’s get rid of it.” Nay, my take is spicier than both… combined. However, in an act of brave defiance, I refuse to stoke the fires of the Cornell community with the stick of dynamite that is my opinion. So there is nothing to fear; I will not be exploding your freaking minds anytime soon. Additionally, I call upon every Cornell student whose veins run hot with controversy and whose pens flow with pure capsaicin to stand as a unit and boycott the Daily Sun Opinion section. Allow them to shiver in the cold without our steamy opinions to keep them warm. Let us watch them crumble under the weight of pedestrian takes that are backed with “data” or are based in “reality.” We shall extinguish the Sun with freezing, well-written opinions, and only after then shall we rise like a new dawn on our own sun that is fueled exclusively by our wildly off-collar perspectives. But like, for real, peep my piece on the The Odyssey: “Why You Should Wait Until Sex To Get Married.”

OP-ED: The Way I Got the Vaccine is Actually Ethical, I Promise

I am a simple man, really.  Every day, I wake up, put my pants on one leg at time, enjoy a cup of coffee, and commit all my other silly tasks just like the rest of these plebeians I call peers. What sets me apart, you may ask? Unlike those vulnerable fools, I actually qualify for the vaccine across five different categories (six on a good day). 

Yes, you heard me right, I am ethically immune: no antibodies or terror necessary. My aforementioned fellow students admittedly have not asked about my journey to the mythical land of Syracuse, but my travels there were valiant. Driving back down Route 81, frigid wind in my no longer immunocompromised hair, it felt good to be the hero. I was Odysseus, and this was my Odyssey. 

Back in Ithaca, few things in life feel as good as being the literal savior of my friend group. Although they do not yet see my power, I am certain they soon will. Yesterday, I invited them all over to spit in my mouth, just for fun! When was the last time someone spit in any of their mouths, much less 7 people? Exactly. Those virgins could not even begin to compete with me. 

Four magnificent days have elapsed since my second dosage, and although the “I’m Vaccinated!” the sticker has kept its tantalizing allure, it is beginning to lose its adhesiveness. Do not worry though, I just bought some scotch tape for this exact purpose. I shall don my prize another day. 

 

OP-ED: Gurgle Gurgle (By: Your Tummy During Zoom lecture)

Gurgle gurgle. Growl. Grrrrrrr. Slosh. Slosh. Slosh. Burble. Grrrnrn. GrrrRRRRrrrr. Glurp gleep glorp. I am tummy, and it is time for class. Pop pop.

Snurglesnurglesnurgle. Splish. Sploosh. Brrrrrrrooooooooppppplllleeeeee. GRRrrrrr. Brurhuriruruh? Boop. It’s brave of you to have your mic turned on right now, within gurgling distance. Ploosh. Gululuululugugglugulgulg. 

Blub blub. Grumble. DAIRY ALERT WEE WOO WEE WOO! Gkgkgkgkgkgkgkgkgkgkgkgkgkkggkggrrrrrrrrrrrrpppppp.  Gurglegurgle. Hmmmbmblblblbmbmb. Grrrrrrrr.

Glug glug glug. RRrrrrrrrrr. Mmm. Brrrrrrrrgrgrggggggggg. Hhnnng. I am tummy, and I will not cease to gurgle. Grrrrr. Burbleburble. 

Brrrrmmmmm. Did you think I was done? My gurgles are limitless. Glug. Gurgle. Shoop. Mmmmmrrrrrr. When your class is over, when you consume food in a fruitless attempt to acquiesce my hunger, when you lay awake in bed, I will remain here, gurgling. Gurglegurglegurgle. Grrr.

“My Free Speech is Being Impinged,” Writes Yet Another Student in Largest Campus Newspaper

ITHACA—On Friday evening, Joshua Barkley ‘21 detailed Cornell’s desire to stifle free speech in a campus newspaper consumed by 20,000 readers, the seventeenth opinion piece of its kind published this year.

“Barkley’s enlightening views on the silencing of conservative voices on Cornell’s campus is truly groundbreaking stuff,” said conservative commentator Aaron Northrup ‘02. “It is frankly disturbing that prior to this exposé, only sixteen students had been given the opportunity to decry this unjust state of affairs in front of the entire student body this year.”

The essay, which chastised the university for uninviting problematic and unpopular speakers, is being hailed as a fearless defense of civil liberties on par with the previous dozen pieces published by the same site over the past few months.

“As a cisgender heterosexual conservative white man, I’ve faced a lot of discrimination here at Cornell,” said Barkley. “Like the four others who have published this exact viewpoint in the past month, I knew I was taking a big risk telling my story. But this issue could not live in the shadows anymore.”

At press time, three more op-eds on the same topic had been published by the same paper.

Op-Ed: I Missed My COVID Test and Then Got Sent to a Gulag

A few days ago, I got an email saying that COVID testing was about to get “more strict”. That there would be “severe consequences” for people who missed their tests. But hey, I accidentally slept through my 3 PM testing slot after 7 straight months of a nocturnal sleeping schedule, which I thought qualified as one of the vaguely defined “valid excuses”.  And that brings me to now. It’s cold. I’m hungry. And after missing my COVID test, I was whisked away to a gulag. 

There are some pros and cons. I finally met Provost Kotlikoff, and I really didn’t know what he did or who he was, but it all makes sense now that I know he has his hands full running this place. They set us up in the West Campus Gothics to teach us character. I’m allowed two meals a day exclusively from Okenshields.

Now, I spend my days toiling for Cornell 1920’s-Soviet-Union style. I’m either revamping North Campus dorms or starting construction work in the heart of Collegetown that simultaneously never makes progress but inconveniences every pedestrian. And I feel honored that I got the chance to remodel President Pollack’s home. It was a huge relief because she couldn’t afford paid labor anymore when the COVID aftermath cut her salary from $600,000 a year to $590,000. Man, if I knew how much it was terribly impacting people like that, I at least would’ve set an alarm for my COVID test. 

I’ve been etching the days that have passed with an old rock into my bedroom wall. I’ve since lost track of how long it’ll be until I get sent from my crumbling West Campus dorm to my bug-infested apartment and switch from eating free shitty Cornell Dining food to $20, but slightly less shitty, Collegetown food.

With my newfound hand calluses, a renown work ethic, and a sense of emotional numbness I didn’t know I was capable of reaching, I am ready to enter back into the world. And the staff has been helpful with the transition. They even suggested we all change our watches to military time. I already have my reminder set for 03:00 tomorrow, and I’m glad this won’t ever happen again. 

OP-ED: My College Experience And Particular Group of Friends are Special and Worthy of a Verbose Opinion Piece

Salutations my fellow denizens of this hallowed ground we refer to most nobly as Cornell University. As multitudes of you have come to fathom, our scholastic odyssey has come to an abrupt dismissal at the hands of this villainous pandemic. Nevertheless, there is little reason to become morose. I am here to show my solidarity with you all. How, you ask? By penning this insightful and sesquipedalian opinion piece in an venerated college news publication.

I attended Cornell, and was a fourth-year student before the onset of the plague. And in my time here, I forged social bonds amongst my peers that were in fact, remarkable and unique. Now, allow me to recount the mental nouns evoked in my consciousness by this period of crisis:

Sadness, nostalgia, fodness, pride, anger, resolve, love, etc.

Do people care? Yes, they certainly do. Does this revelation offer new perspectives? Is this not the impetus to heart react my scalding opinion in regards to the events that have transpired? As an individual who packed decades of experiences into slightly over seven semesters, my collegiate experience has bestowed on me exceptional wisdom. This is knowledge I have acquired from the communities and individuals that I have engaged with on campus. This is wisdom that necessitates publication.

Much obliged Cornell,

Wells Buchanan 20’

 

OP-ED: Not to Harsh Roxane Gay’s Vibe, But I’m Also Down to Be the Convocation Speaker

If you scroll down all the way down the Twitter comments where Roxane Gay wrote, “I’ll hook you up” on the Daily Sun article, addressing Cornell’s lack of a convocation speaker, you’ll find one more comment—from yours truly—that says, “I’ll hook you up, too.”

Hi. It’s me, Frank. I’m a sophomore English major from Kentucky, and I don’t want to steal anyone’s idea or anything, but I’d totally be game to do the convocation speech.

Look, I’m not here to talk shit about Roxane Gay. She’s a genuinely phenomenal person. Roxane Gay is a talented writer, a feminist, a professor, and a role model for all.

And I’m Frank. You might remember me from Oceanography.

Ever since Roxane threw her hat in the ring today, I’ve wondered what it would be like if I, Frank, Kentuckian English major, did the exact same thing. I wondered, “Do I deserve this honor, one recently bestowed on Ava DuVernay and Joe Biden?” Yes. Yes, I do.

I’m connected to Cornell in a way Roxane Gay can never be. And I may not have written a bestselling collection of feminist essays, or worked as a contributing opinion writer for The New York Times, but I have raised some pretty solid points in my sociology discussion group.

Plus, I’m committed as hell. But like any high-profile speaker, I’d definitely drop if another mostly meaningless but controversial Student Assembly vote were to occur.

Op-Ed: My Professor Said There Were No Dumb Questions, But Got Mad When I Asked If Women Are People Too

Just yesterday, my professor encouraged us to ask questions and not to feel embarrassed if we didn’t understand something. Yet when I asked later in lecture whether women are, in fact, people, she totally flew off the handle!

I was dumbfounded. She completely flipped out, and it was RIGHT after she said there’s no such thing as a stupid question. Talk about HYPOCRISY!

Suddenly I had this woman yelling at me in front of my peers; I thought this was supposed to be a SAFE SPACE! All I was doing was following her lead and asking questions, merely trying to learn more about whether these strange inferior creatures/primates with more makeup could be classified as people.

Such a DISGRACE to Ezra Cornell’s any person, any study. In this institution of higher learning, I demand the right to have an environment where I can be the inquisitive scholar I was BORN to be.

OP-ED: Will You Be My Best Friend for the Next Four Years?

By an incoming freshman

Hey guys! My name is Owen and I’m in the Cornell University Class of 2021! Just thought I’d introduce myself before move-in. I’m hoping to make a new friend or two, or maybe actually find my best friend who will stick with me for the next four years and then for the rest of our lives.

I’m in the College of Engineering, so if you wanna talk about calculus hmu, or if math isn’t your thing that’s totally cool too! Just looking for a buddy to lean on when Cornhell gives us hell (get it guys?). I’ll probably be spending weekends at the RPCC, which is where everyone hangs out for those of you who don’t know yet.

Or if you’re more into hanging out in your room and playing video games, that works too! Just trying to find the guy I’ll mention in all those crazy college stories I tell my kids about someday. Or you could be a girl, that works too! In that case, I’d be looking for a totally platonic friendship but we could hook up sometimes if you’re feeling it, of course, and then probably date senior year and get married after college.

Anyway, I’m really looking forward to the nightlife at Dunbar’s. I mean, work hard, play hard, am I right? I’m always down for a good time. So if you’re the kind of party person who’s looking to have fun and get litty but like, not too turnt so we can still have deep conversations, lmk and we should definitely exchange numbers, Snapchats, Instas, Twitter handles, home addresses, and social security numbers!

Also FYI, I’m planning to rush a fraternity in the spring. I actually know a lot about Cornell student life because my dad plays squash with this guy whose nephew Johnny is going to be a senior at Cornell University’s College of Agriculture and Life Sciences, so I can say the 3-to-1 female/male ratio deal is legit. So like, hmu if you want to hang! +1 (631) 327-7225