Op-Ed

OP-ED: Dear Freshmen, that Twenty-Person O-Week Friend Group is Much Cooler Than You and If You Don’t Have Best Friends Yet, Just Give Up Trying

Nooz Staff11 months ago11 months ago03 mins

RUTH BADER GINSBURG HALL—Freshies, the first week of college is tough—college-living is a huge transition! If you’re feeling worried about the multitude of first-year frights—homesickness, courseload, dining hall food—you should probably add yet another anxiety to that list: the fact that you don’t have any friends while every single person around you has already found…

OP-ED: I Didn’t Spell Your Name Wrong, Your Parents Did

Nooz Staff1 year ago1 year ago05 mins

If I am forced to endure the humiliation of being placed with three random students for a doomed group project, required to carry the burden that is creating the PowerPoint, and undergo the emotional labor of selecting the order in which the names will be listed on the presentation. (If I put my name first,…

OP-ED: Graduate Students are Hypocrites for Expecting Better Treatment than Livestock Despite Congregating in the Big Red Barn (by President Martha Pollack)

Nooz Staff1 year ago1 year ago05 mins

As the 14th president of Cornell University, it is my responsibility to ensure the well-being of the more than 20,000 students who study, work, and live in Ithaca. To that effect, my administration has made tremendous strides towards improving the student experience; from somewhat reducing the amount of asbestos in a few buildings to making…

OP-ED: If I Oversleep And You’re Walking Slowly In Front Of Me As I’m Late To Class, I Should Be Allowed To Kick You Like A Horse

Nooz Staff3 years ago04 mins

ITHACA- Slow walkers have long been a burden on society, but since quarantine has ended they’ve only gotten worse. I didn’t think those meandering menaces could honestly get much slower, but here we are. The most infuriating part about their speed, or lack thereof, is that they fail to consider the schedule of others and…

Op-Ed: Why I Won’t Be Sending My Super Spicy Manifesto to the Sun’s Op-Ed Section

Nooz Staff3 years ago03 mins

I have a take that is probably hotter than a damn quasar, but you will never see it published in the Daily Sun Opinion section. While my piece would definitely scorch Guest Room like the Notre Dame Cathedral, I feel like my earth-shattering letter would just get lost in the shuffle of entirely unfounded, trigger-happy…

OP-ED: The Way I Got the Vaccine is Actually Ethical, I Promise

Nooz Staff3 years ago3 years ago03 mins

I am a simple man, really. Every day, I wake up, put my pants on one leg at time, enjoy a cup of coffee, and commit all my other silly tasks just like the rest of these plebeians I call peers. What sets me apart, you may ask? Unlike those vulnerable fools, I actually qualify…

OP-ED: Gurgle Gurgle (By: Your Tummy During Zoom lecture)

Nooz Staff4 years ago01 mins

Gurgle gurgle. Growl. Grrrrrrr. Slosh. Slosh. Slosh. Burble. Grrrnrn. GrrrRRRRrrrr. Glurp gleep glorp. I am tummy, and it is time for class. Pop pop. Snurglesnurglesnurgle. Splish. Sploosh. Brrrrrrrooooooooppppplllleeeeee. GRRrrrrr. Brurhuriruruh? Boop. It’s brave of you to have your mic turned on right now, within gurgling distance. Ploosh. Gululuululugugglugulgulg. Blub blub. Grumble. DAIRY ALERT WEE WOO…

“My Free Speech is Being Impinged,” Writes Yet Another Student in Largest Campus Newspaper

Nooz Staff4 years ago4 years ago02 mins

ITHACA—On Friday evening, Joshua Barkley ‘21 detailed Cornell’s desire to stifle free speech in a campus newspaper consumed by 20,000 readers, the seventeenth opinion piece of its kind published this year. “Barkley’s enlightening views on the silencing of conservative voices on Cornell’s campus is truly groundbreaking stuff,” said conservative commentator Aaron Northrup ‘02. “It is…

Op-Ed: I Missed My COVID Test and Then Got Sent to a Gulag

Nooz Staff4 years ago04 mins

A few days ago, I got an email saying that COVID testing was about to get “more strict”. That there would be “severe consequences” for people who missed their tests. But hey, I accidentally slept through my 3 PM testing slot after 7 straight months of a nocturnal sleeping schedule, which I thought qualified as…

OP-ED: My College Experience And Particular Group of Friends are Special and Worthy of a Verbose Opinion Piece

Nooz Staff4 years ago02 mins

Salutations my fellow denizens of this hallowed ground we refer to most nobly as Cornell University. As multitudes of you have come to fathom, our scholastic odyssey has come to an abrupt dismissal at the hands of this villainous pandemic. Nevertheless, there is little reason to become morose. I am here to show my solidarity…

OP-ED: You And I Both Know Our Construction Team Can’t Handle Building A Pathway In Ezra’s Tunnel

Student Who Bleeds Big Red Sadly Returns Latest Nike Shoes

Report: Holy Shit, It’s Wednesday

Student at Summer Internship Drops Fourth Hint of Day That He Goes to Cornell

Professors Notice Increase in Student Motivation To Be the Very Best, Like No One Ever Was

Report: 10:10 Lecture Fills Up Too Quickly and Oh Boo Hoo You Sad Fucks

OP-ED: Dear Freshmen, that Twenty-Person O-Week Friend Group is Much Cooler Than You and If You Don’t Have Best Friends Yet, Just Give Up Trying

OP-ED: Graduate Students are Hypocrites for Expecting Better Treatment than Livestock Despite Congregating in the Big Red Barn (by President Martha Pollack)

OP-ED: If I Oversleep And You’re Walking Slowly In Front Of Me As I’m Late To Class, I Should Be Allowed To Kick You Like A Horse

Op-Ed: Why I Won’t Be Sending My Super Spicy Manifesto to the Sun’s Op-Ed Section

OP-ED: The Way I Got the Vaccine is Actually Ethical, I Promise

OP-ED: Gurgle Gurgle (By: Your Tummy During Zoom lecture)

“My Free Speech is Being Impinged,” Writes Yet Another Student in Largest Campus Newspaper

Op-Ed: I Missed My COVID Test and Then Got Sent to a Gulag

OP-ED: My College Experience And Particular Group of Friends are Special and Worthy of a Verbose Opinion Piece