Women’s Hockey Team Members Send Congratulations From Beijing Olympics as Men’s Hockey Team Wins First Game in 3 Weeks

BEIJING—Following the Men’s Hockey Team’s first win on Saturday in the past six games, the Women’s Hockey Team was quick to send their congratulations all the way from the Beijing Winter Olympics.

“It’s so heartwarming to see Cornell’s premier athletic team make a comeback like this,” said three-time Olympic gold-medalist and former Cornell Women’s team captain Caroline Jessup ‘15. “I even skipped the medal ceremony to come back to Ithaca and congratulate the boys myself. What’s one more medal, right?”

Cornell hockey fans from all over were quick to show their excitement for the Men’s team demolishing Union College this past weekend, despite the Women’s team also demolishing Union College this past weekend and having performed similarly well to the Men’s team this season with little to no recognition.

“I’ve always been a sucker for a good underdog story,” said Alyssa Hart ‘22, two-time Olympian and ECAC champion. “It gives me hope that one day they too will make it to the Olympics.”

As of press time, the price of Men’s Hockey tickets quadrupled while the price of Women’s Hockey tickets decreased to $0.

Ice Hockey and, uhh, Some Other Sports Cancelled, We Think

TEAGLE HALL—In a shocking announcement, Athletics Director Andy Noel confirmed that Ivy League officials had canceled all winter sports, which includes men’s ice hockey, women’s ice hockey, and possibly some other ones as well.

“We recognize that this is a very challenging day for Cornell’s ice hockey student athletes, as well as everyone associated with the program,” said Noel. “From Head Coach Mike Schaefer ’86 to the nice woman who sells the soft pretzels at Lynah, the athletic department will continue to support them, as well as the—wait… are there other sports? Is it just hockey? I only ever hear about hockey.”

According to a press release, all intercollegiate games between ice hockey teams will be shut down in response to the Covid-19 pandemic, a crushing blow to a program with high expectations for another elite finish. The student body expressed dismay at the news of hockey’s demise and utter indifference towards the fates of any other sports that may have been scheduled.

“Even if we couldn’t attend in person, I was really looking forward to supporting Big Red this year as we competed for another national title at Lynah,” lamented Ellen Satoranski ’24. When asked about her thoughts on other sports, Satoranski appeared confused. “Are you sure there was anything else?” she asked. “I guess maybe, like, did football get canceled? Maybe racquetball? Yeah, I really couldn’t say.”

At press time, members of the fencing team were also reported to be devastated by the loss of hockey.

Devoted Cornell Hockey Fan Confused why Lynah Parking Lot Was Full on Sunday

Boris Tsang/Cornell Daily Sun

LYNAH RINK—During last Sunday’s ECAC Women’s Hockey Championship, dedicated Cornell hockey fan Dylan Holmes ‘20 was utterly bewildered as to why the Lynah Rink parking garage was full despite there not being a single men’s hockey game scheduled.

“It was crazy. Maybe there was a baseball tournament or something? I know the hockey playoff is next weekend, so people could have gotten here to camp out all week—that’s why I’m here!” said Holmes, a through-and-through member of the Lynah Faithful who did not know about the Women’s Team’s bid for the championship happening just inside the rink.

“I guess everyone had the same idea as me to camp out a week in advance, but I don’t see anyone camping in front of Lynah. I brought a little grill and a tent and everything!” Holmes continued.

Holmes was further confused when he turned into Hoy garage and found it full of cars plastered with Cornell Hockey stickers, but he figured it was probably just baseball and lacrosse fans showing their support.

Cornell Hockey Only Down by Three Goals Entering Fourth Quarter

LAKE PLACID, NY – Despite a rough three periods so far for the Cornell Men’s Hockey team in tonight’s ECAC Hockey Final against Harvard, some students have remained optimistic of a victorious outcome, as the Big Red are only down by three goals entering the fourth quarter.

“Three points may seem like a lot, but I know our team has it in them to come back out here after this incredibly long intermission and send this game to overtime!” said Liana Murray ’20, attending her first ever hockey game with a few other friends who were new to the sport.

“Most of the crowd may not be sticking around – in fact, it seems like nearly everybody is leaving – but they’re going to be sorry when they miss out on this historic comeback. And now the zambonis are coming out – when does the hockey start again?”

Reports indicate that some Harvard players were seen prematurely celebrating their championship and were even prematurely awarded a trophy.

Hockey Fans Delighted As Opposing Player Impaled by Harpoon

LYNAH RINK – Joining together in laughter and enthused cheers, attendees at Cornell’s Saturday night hockey game expressed their delight when Harvard Defenseman Josh Hartley was impaled by a harpoon launched from the stands during the second period.

Although Hartley returned to his feet and continued to play, the raucous Lynah Faithful sports fans would not let the opposing player escape ridicule, as they continued to yell insults at the defenseman, shouting“learn how to skate!” and “you dodge harpoons like a goddam rookie!”

“Dude, that thing went straight through his shoulder!” exclaimed Sophomore Allen Groppler, reasoning that sports violence of this caliber was well worth ticket prices.

Hartley was saved from further harassment when section B diverted their attention to the Harvard goalie lodging his stick through a Cornell player’s sternum, which the referee failed to label a hooking penalty.