Jewish Student with Final During Hanukkah Develops Anxiety Stomachache That Burned for All Eight Nights

CHARLESTON, SC–This Friday Jacob Weiss ‘22 celebrated his own miracle of Hanukkah after one night of finals provided him with an anxious stomachache that burned for the entire holiday.

“Oy gevalt, my head is spinning like a dreidel. My hands are trembling like candlelight in the wind. Every time I close my eyes, all I see is characters from A Rugrats Chanukah giving me disappointed looks,” Weiss said of the effects of his single, completely manageable exam. “This is the worst thing to ever happen to the Jewish people.”

Instead of studying for his impending exam or spending time with his family during one of the biggest holidays of the year, Weiss opted to spend most of his Festival of Lights curled into an anxious ball, kvetching loudly about his dilemma while making no attempt to improve it.

“It’s like there’s nothing I can do to stop my stomach from hurting,” said Weiss before taking a bite of his traditional Hanukkah meal of fried potato pancakes and jelly doughnuts, chin visibly glistening with oil. “It’s gotten so bad I can barely study for my nutritional science final.”

As Weiss’s exam concluded and the sun set on the eighth day of Hanukkah, Weiss finally found relief from his long-lasting stomachache, only for it to return the second he thought about his grade.

Well-Intentioned Professor Writes “Happy 4th Day of Chankgukah” On Board

MCGRAW HALL—Attempting to spread the holiday spirit, Professor Robert Jones wrote a greeting on the board before lecture this Wednesday that completely butchered the spelling of Chanukah.

“I think Professor Jones remembered only the first and last letters and just filled in the rest by using, like, a random-letter generator or something,” said Jonah Goldfarb ’20.

While the holiday has numerous acceptable spellings in English, students agreed that the professor’s version did not remotely resemble any of them. said Rebecca Roseman ’19. “It’s a nice gesture and all,” said Rebecca Roseman ’19, “but I would’ve expected the former Rhodes Scholar to have at least typed the name into Google beforehand.”

Seemingly unaware of his error, the sociology professor then began his lecture by wishing all his Jewish students a happy and healthy celebration for each one of the holiday’s 40 days and 40 nights.

Jewish Student Uses Yom Kippur to Reflect on How He Doesn’t Have Food in House Anyway

COLLEGETOWN — In recognition of Yom Kippur, the annual Jewish holiday of atonement during which followers often fast for a full 24 hours, Cornell student Isaac Rosen ’18 has decided to refrain from eating and reflect on the fact that he doesn’t really have any food in his house anyway.

“I’m so proud to continue this incredible tradition of acknowledging my past wrongdoings and suffering for the entire day by not eating, though honestly I probably wouldn’t have been able to scrounge enough food in my house to make a full meal anyway,” said the somber and relatively hungry junior, continually searching through his cabinets for a spare granola bar or a half-eaten bag of chips to munch on once sundown arrived.

“I certainly made mistakes last year, mistakes that I’m now acutely aware of due to my rumbling stomach. Those mistakes include not buying more DiGiorno’s frozen pizza when given the chance, and not saving the other half of the burrito I had for lunch yesterday. What a truly special holiday.”

Rosen apparently had finished atoning for his sins at 4:45, when in a hunger-induced panic he realized that he could just grab some leftover food from his frat house.