Jewish Student with Final During Hanukkah Develops Anxiety Stomachache That Burned for All Eight Nights

CHARLESTON, SC–This Friday Jacob Weiss ‘22 celebrated his own miracle of Hanukkah after one night of finals provided him with an anxious stomachache that burned for the entire holiday.

“Oy gevalt, my head is spinning like a dreidel. My hands are trembling like candlelight in the wind. Every time I close my eyes, all I see is characters from A Rugrats Chanukah giving me disappointed looks,” Weiss said of the effects of his single, completely manageable exam. “This is the worst thing to ever happen to the Jewish people.”

Instead of studying for his impending exam or spending time with his family during one of the biggest holidays of the year, Weiss opted to spend most of his Festival of Lights curled into an anxious ball, kvetching loudly about his dilemma while making no attempt to improve it.

“It’s like there’s nothing I can do to stop my stomach from hurting,” said Weiss before taking a bite of his traditional Hanukkah meal of fried potato pancakes and jelly doughnuts, chin visibly glistening with oil. “It’s gotten so bad I can barely study for my nutritional science final.”

As Weiss’s exam concluded and the sun set on the eighth day of Hanukkah, Weiss finally found relief from his long-lasting stomachache, only for it to return the second he thought about his grade.

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