Following Success of Fake Wedding, SAC to Host Fake Tear-Filled Screaming Match With Fake Child Cowering in Bedroom Wondering if It’s His Fault

DUFFIELD HALL—Following the high attendance and excitement at this past weekend’s Mock Shaadi, a fake wedding ceremony that incorporated elements from various South Asian cultures, the Cornell South Asian Council (SAC) plans on following the natural course of events in a marriage by hosting a mock altercation in which parents yell horrible things at each other within earshot of their terrified child.

The event will take place in Duffield Hall, supposedly so that any household objects thrown in frustration during the simulated feud can dramatically break the building’s large glass windows, drowning out the mock whimpers of a small child who will remember this moment for the rest of his life and forever carry inside of him a small part of imitation guilt and trauma over his parents’ broken relationship.

“Authenticity is really important to us,” said event coordinator Vikas Shah ‘23, speaking of the decision to have the mother call the father a “deadbeat loser who hangs out with his tramp coworkers all day and has no ambition.” “We wanted to create a truly toxic environment for a child to grow up in,” said Shah, gesturing to the 5-year old kid in the corner tasked with rocking back and forth on the floor with his blanket and softly crying, wondering if it’s his fault that mommy and daddy are fighting again.

To add to the festivities, food will be served at the event, including a slightly cold pizza ordered after the fight has died down, eaten in silence at the dinner table until one of the parents awkwardly clears their throat and asks their visibly distraught child how his day at school was.

After the mock screaming bout, the SAC has plans to simulate other key moments in a marriage, like when you fake a pregnancy out of fear that your high school Glee Club director husband will leave you otherwise, or when you find out that your husband is cheating on you with a younger woman, setting off your plot to frame him for your own murder while you flee across the country.

Nooz Explains: How To Ask Acquaintances Who Might Be A Narc If They Want to Take Online Prelim Together

Both beloved and hated, the online prelim represents the crosssection of two axioms all Cornell students know to be true: prelims fucking suck and everyone is cheating. Unique from other schools’ tawdry tests or even… exams, prelims are the true inquisition into the twenty-year-old student’s (who is intelligent but not too smart or they’d have attended Harvard) mind. Yet some evil, decrepit, no-good groups of students have the gall, nay shamelessness, to cheat on this hallowed tradition. 

That leaves each student with one option: How can I cheat with the smartest people I kind of know, without getting ratted out? Worry not, friend, for we are here to explain with a simple three-step plan for undetectable academic mischief: select a target, gaslight, and strike a deal.

The first step, target selection, is deceptively complex. See, we would all love to cheat off the smartest student in class, the one we all know is going to set the curve. But that person is almost certainly a narc, a teachers’ pet, or some sort of Machiavellian sadist who derives pleasure from learning. So cheat off the second or third smartest student in class, who knows the answers but is insecure enough to think giving you the answers might be worth it.

After separating the frailest genius from the herd, it’s time to gaslight. Casually drop into conversation your fictitious 4.33 GPA, perfect prelim scores, and glowing recommendations from past professors. Ask them their scores and scoff openly at anything less than a 96. You want to convince them that they need you, despite how absurdly obvious it may be that they do not. 

Once you have them believing that they will fail the next exam while you pass with flying colors, you’re ready to pop the question. Ask them if they would like to have you check over their answers, since they are so worried about doing poorly. You would be happy to help them out if they really want it. But what if they catch you, they ask? Risk means nothing to you if it means helping a friend in need. After that, you’re all set to mooch your way to academic success, and you got them to ask you with nothing more than your wits and some light psychological manipulation! Congratulations, you benevolent monster!

Shocking! Financial Aid Department Actually Just Three Cats Dressed Like Martha Pollack Swiping At A “Postpone Aid Award” Button All Day Long

DAY HALL—While meeting with advisors to discuss tuition payments, Lynn Talbot ‘24 was startled to discover that her financial aid, now nearly a month and a half overdue, would be postponed further due to the office being staffed by literal cats swiping at the “postpone aid award” button all day every day.

“I thought there would be actual people running the fin aid office,” Talbot confessed, “but I guess between Covid and budget cuts they just couldn’t afford it. Although I do think that if they were to hire any animals, you can’t get anyone more apathetic to your struggles than cats walking across computer keyboards and repeatedly sending out emails asking for my patience.”

The cats working at the financial aid’s office are named Cash, Payment, and Franklin. Each wears a different iconic Martha Pollack outfit, although Franklin often dresses like Ryan Lombardi instead.

“In fairness, the cats were kind of cute with their little pant suits and short brown wigs,” Talbot added. “Even the passive aggressive meow one of them let out when I asked if he could estimate when my award would be released was adorable.”

In a last-ditch effort to expedite the process, Talbot stole the “postpone aid award” button the office cats were so fond of, but they just moved on to ripping up printed copies of submitted W-2 forms instead.

OP-ED: Inconsiderate Asshole Is Successful When I Am Not

In a targeted attack to ruin my life, absolute shitstain Roger Wilhelm ‘22 continues to be successful at literally everything, while I can’t even tie my shoelaces without them coming undone five steps later. 

Roger recently announced his internship at Doctors Without Borders, which he only got because his roommate’s aunt’s tennis partner-in-law worked there in the 80s. If he really cared about the less fortunate, he would quit, because I feel less fortunate every time I think about his stupid face. Who are those starving kids in nations subject to Western imperialism to make everything about them, anyway?

Unlike Roger, I’m not an asshole. I’d have no problem with him being incredibly attractive and universally liked as long as everyone agreed I was hotter and nicer. I could even graciously accept my life as someone who will be found dead in a McDonald’s ball pit at age thirty-nine if he died while trying to seduce a Chuck E. Cheese’s animatronic aged thirty-eight. It just pains me to see someone else do better than me for the sole reason that they care more and try harder.

Nothing I do seems to matter. Just yesterday, he got an A on the AEM 2200 exam, while I was referred to the Academic Integrity Hearing Board for copying his exact answers. Where’s the fairness? If the board hadn’t kicked me off campus, I’d be giving him a piece of my mind right now.

I guess Roger really is better than me — what’s this? I just got a text from my mommy saying I’m the “bestest kid in the whole wide world.” Rant cancelled. Roger may have friends, a job, and good grades, and an overall higher standard of living, but at least I’m my Mommy’s favorite.

Jewish Student with Final During Hanukkah Develops Anxiety Stomachache That Burned for All Eight Nights

CHARLESTON, SC–This Friday Jacob Weiss ‘22 celebrated his own miracle of Hanukkah after one night of finals provided him with an anxious stomachache that burned for the entire holiday.

“Oy gevalt, my head is spinning like a dreidel. My hands are trembling like candlelight in the wind. Every time I close my eyes, all I see is characters from A Rugrats Chanukah giving me disappointed looks,” Weiss said of the effects of his single, completely manageable exam. “This is the worst thing to ever happen to the Jewish people.”

Instead of studying for his impending exam or spending time with his family during one of the biggest holidays of the year, Weiss opted to spend most of his Festival of Lights curled into an anxious ball, kvetching loudly about his dilemma while making no attempt to improve it.

“It’s like there’s nothing I can do to stop my stomach from hurting,” said Weiss before taking a bite of his traditional Hanukkah meal of fried potato pancakes and jelly doughnuts, chin visibly glistening with oil. “It’s gotten so bad I can barely study for my nutritional science final.”

As Weiss’s exam concluded and the sun set on the eighth day of Hanukkah, Weiss finally found relief from his long-lasting stomachache, only for it to return the second he thought about his grade.

Lucky Student Manages to Snag Thirty Free Tables in Temple of Zeus During Lunch Rush

TEMPLE OF ZEUS—Scrambling to beat the lunch rush at Temple of Zeus, Jackson France ’23 was elated to find the thirty tables he wanted all free. 

“I’m always extra vigilant on Mac and Cheese Day because I know how cutthroat it can get,” explained France. “I didn’t expect to get more than 22 or 23 tables, but man did I hit the jackpot! I’m so relieved I got the fifty feet of legroom I need to be productive.”

France was relieved to find over two dozen seating options with close proximity to wall outlets. “I was also afraid I’d have to wait forever in line—I’ve seen it stretch for one, even two people. But it went crazy fast! There was nobody in front of me, and when I got to the soup counter I didn’t even see people there to serve it,” he continued. 

“I’ll be back tomorrow for sure,” he concluded. “I just hope the building is unlocked this time, so I don’t have to break in again.”

So-Called “Gym Shark” Not So Tough Anymore After Being Decapitated by Bench Press

TEAGLE HALL— In a swift reminder of his humanity, area fitness junkie Alvin Jung ‘21 was humbled after having his head cleanly cut off while on the bench press. 

“He let his ego get the best of him,” said fellow gym-goer Eric Bilzerian, wearing an “In Memory of Alvin” sleeveless T-shirt that exposed his nipples. “His sharp jawline and vascular neck are a lot less intimidating now that most of the blood has drained from his headless torso.”

Jung, whose gym chalk would leave a Holi-esque mess of powder by the squat rack, was among Teagle’s most hated patrons. Known for his deep, borderline-sexual workout grunts and for regularly recording his own lifts, Jung’s lifeless body was a stark reminder that he was no less mortal than the rest of us. 

At press time, Jung’s decapitated corpse was observed being approached by a freshman asking how many sets he had left.

Student Awakens Yet Again to Re-Adjust Oscillating Fan

COLLEGETOWN—Drenched in sweat and in a state of utter defeat, Matthew Finley ‘20 awoke yet again last night to re-adjust his oscillating fan.

“See, I want it close to me, but then it can’t pull in the cool air from the window! What do I do?” cried a desperate Finley, shifting the fan an inch to the right and then leaping into bed to see if it helped.

The recent heat wave has become a major inconvenience for Finley and his roommates, whose overcrowded $1200/month Collegetown heatbox of an apartment seems to provide suboptimal locations for electric fans.

Finley’s pacing during the night added about 10 degrees to the room’s temperature. This morning, he was attempting to befriend freshmen who’ve scored the air conditioned dorms on North Campus.