Nooz Staff March 4, 2020

So-Called “Gym Shark” Not So Tough Anymore After Being Decapitated by Bench Press

TEAGLE HALL— In a swift reminder of his humanity, area fitness junkie Alvin Jung ‘21 was humbled after having his head cleanly cut off while on the bench press. 

“He let his ego get the best of him,” said fellow gym-goer Eric Bilzerian, wearing an “In Memory of Alvin” sleeveless T-shirt that exposed his nipples. “His sharp jawline and vascular neck are a lot less intimidating now that most of the blood has drained from his headless torso.”

Jung, whose gym chalk would leave a Holi-esque mess of powder by the squat rack, was among Teagle’s most hated patrons. Known for his deep, borderline-sexual workout grunts and for regularly recording his own lifts, Jung’s lifeless body was a stark reminder that he was no less mortal than the rest of us. 

At press time, Jung’s decapitated corpse was observed being approached by a freshman asking how many sets he had left.

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