So-Called “Gym Shark” Not So Tough Anymore After Being Decapitated by Bench Press

TEAGLE HALL— In a swift reminder of his humanity, area fitness junkie Alvin Jung ‘21 was humbled after having his head cleanly cut off while on the bench press. 

“He let his ego get the best of him,” said fellow gym-goer Eric Bilzerian, wearing an “In Memory of Alvin” sleeveless T-shirt that exposed his nipples. “His sharp jawline and vascular neck are a lot less intimidating now that most of the blood has drained from his headless torso.”

Jung, whose gym chalk would leave a Holi-esque mess of powder by the squat rack, was among Teagle’s most hated patrons. Known for his deep, borderline-sexual workout grunts and for regularly recording his own lifts, Jung’s lifeless body was a stark reminder that he was no less mortal than the rest of us. 

At press time, Jung’s decapitated corpse was observed being approached by a freshman asking how many sets he had left.

Cornell’s Dietary Guidelines Recommend 12 Daily Servings of PepsiCo Products

PEPSICO AUDITORIUM– In an attempt to encourage healthy on campus living habits, Cornell Dining, Cornell Health, and the Cornell Department of Nutritional Sciences have released a food guide recommending that students consume 12 servings of PepsiCo products every day.

“Many young adults find out that college is the time to start thinking about what you eat,” said Cornell Health administrator Juanita Thomas ‘91. “That’s why it’s so important to clarify that they should be aiming to eat roughly 10 to 14 portions of PepsiCo products, such as those available at Cornell Dining’s many locations across campus.”

Despite the guide’s stringent requirements, university officials believe they can help students make healthy choices. “We understand the need to treat yourself to some Whole Foods, or maybe even a General Mills product every once in a while, but this should generally be a special occasion instead of the norm,” said a Cornell Dining representative. “That’s why we’re committed to selling healthy alternatives like 1.25 L bottles of soda for as little as 99 cents.”

At press time, the three organizations announced an addendum to the guide, reminding students to use only the finest SC Johnson hand sanitizer prior to eating their 12 servings of Pepsi-co products.