Idiots Rejoice! Struggling for 20 Minutes to Set Up CU Print Can Now Fulfill Physical Science Requirement

COLLEGE OF ARTS AND SCIENCES–Morons across campus finally won big with the announcement that the task of setting CU Print up on their laptops for a worryingly long period of time can now fulfill the physical sciences distribution requirement.

“Fret not, dimwits,” said College of Arts and Sciences Dean Ray Jayawardhana in a statement this past Wednesday. “Long have the dunderheads pathetically struggled in their rudimentary astronomy classes. This painful period is now over. I know that you dullards cannot understand simple tasks which require a benign amount of effort for most. However, I think that you can rise to the occasion. Numbskulls, now is your time!”

The fervor and excitement of Jayawardhana’s email was met with an even more passionate reaction from simpletons across campus. “Tanya finally feels seen! Yay!” beamed Tanya Williamston ‘22. “Tanya failed Oceans last semester by accident. But Tanya is not worried anymore. Because how hard can setting up a printer be? Tanya’s roommate is a CS major, she can just ask her, ‘cause that’s like her whole thing. Computers.”

“Uhhhhhhhhhh…. I’m not sure where to start,” said glassy-eyed Jeremy Pinker ‘23. “So many steps. It says ‘My Printers’ but I don’t own a printer. I, uhm, tried to Google it but I keep getting results about that guy who sang that Purple Rain song. I didn’t even know he went to Cornell. Uh… uhhh…yeah, uhmmmm…” Pinker, hypnotized, began to drool upon his keyboard, and slurred, “I need an extension for this.”

Considering this is no simple task for them, imbeciles will be happy to know that they can attend office hours and ask the most inane, idiotic questions imaginable which will coax the TA into just setting it up for them.

So-Called “Gym Shark” Not So Tough Anymore After Being Decapitated by Bench Press

TEAGLE HALL— In a swift reminder of his humanity, area fitness junkie Alvin Jung ‘21 was humbled after having his head cleanly cut off while on the bench press. 

“He let his ego get the best of him,” said fellow gym-goer Eric Bilzerian, wearing an “In Memory of Alvin” sleeveless T-shirt that exposed his nipples. “His sharp jawline and vascular neck are a lot less intimidating now that most of the blood has drained from his headless torso.”

Jung, whose gym chalk would leave a Holi-esque mess of powder by the squat rack, was among Teagle’s most hated patrons. Known for his deep, borderline-sexual workout grunts and for regularly recording his own lifts, Jung’s lifeless body was a stark reminder that he was no less mortal than the rest of us. 

At press time, Jung’s decapitated corpse was observed being approached by a freshman asking how many sets he had left.