Nooz Staff February 28, 2020

College of Human Ecology Quickly Retracts Paper Linking Serving as President of Cornell, Being an Absolute Moron

MARTHA VAN RENSSELAER HALL—In an unusual reversal, the College of Human Ecology rapidly changed tacks on their new study connecting being a complete asshat with holding the title of President of Cornell.

“Although my colleagues and I initially believed that symptoms of being a total clown showed a direct cause-and-effect relationship with being the head of Cornell University, more recent findings have muddied the waters on this controversial topic,” said Professor Anusha Vinukonda ’93, the lead author of the now-withdrawn study.

“A few problems arose very late in the process,” Vinukonda continued. “We had a fairly small sample size, for instance. When you’re only looking at one administrator, it’s hard to make sweeping judgments about the correlation between leading a university and having poor judgment and making moronic choices.”

At press time, Vinukonda and her coauthors cautiously announced plans to investigate whoever the fuck wrote the suggestion to rename the college in the first place.

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