Absolute Freak Keeps Calling CS “Computer Science”

GATES HALL—In a bizarre showing, one freshman barbarian insists on calling CS “Computer Science,” whatever that is.

“I’m getting absolutely blasted in my introductory computer science classes” lamented Mitchell Fawkes ‘23 to his bewildered friends. “I just do not understand how Matrix Laboratory works, and none of the other computer science majors seem to want to help me. They just stare at me with a blank look and ask if I’m in the right class.”

Some of Fawkes’s associates have decided that his eccentricity is just too much, and have cut contact with him entirely.

“Yeah, I couldn’t keep that going,” said Fawkes’s former girlfriend Mikaela Richmond ‘23. “I just started to feel like he was messing with me—like he was speaking his own language, and I wasn’t in on the joke. I finally ended it when he asked me how I was liking ‘Industrial and Labor Relations’. I’m in ILR. How hard is that? For a boyfriend to remember your major?”

At press time, Fawkes shared experiences of shunning, even from peer counselors, being asked to leave without consultation when enquiring about “Cornell Empathy, Assistance and Referral Services”. 

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