Tag Archives: Friends

Orientation Leaders and High School Friends Compete to Be Ghosted Fastest by Incoming Freshmen

NORTH CAMPUS—A week after sending their closest friends off to new lives as college students, the high school friends of incoming freshmen found themselves in a race against Cornell’s orientation leaders to determine who could be ignored sooner by the campus’ newest residents. “I’m honestly off to a great start,” Read More

Absolute Freak Keeps Calling CS “Computer Science”

GATES HALL—In a bizarre showing, one freshman barbarian insists on calling CS “Computer Science,” whatever that is. “I’m getting absolutely blasted in my introductory computer science classes” lamented Mitchell Fawkes ‘23 to his bewildered friends. “I just do not understand how Matrix Laboratory works, and none of the other computer Read More

Freshman Can’t Wait to Tell Parents About New Friends She’ll Drop Before Thanksgiving

CLARA DICKSON HALL—After having met so many people since arriving at college, Michelle Taylor ‘22 is reportedly dying to return to her hometown this Fall Break and tell her parents all about the new college friends who won’t be a part of her life in two months’ time. “I’m so Read More

OP-ED: Thanks To Mixed-Gender Housing Rules, I Can Finally Become Friends With Girls

The University just announced a sweeping change that allows male and female students to room together on West Campus, which means I will finally be able to make female friends. The change comes after years of maintaining an archaic policy built upon the misguided preconception that boys and girls can Read More