NORTH CAMPUS—A week after sending their closest friends off to new lives as college students, the high school friends of incoming freshmen found themselves in a race against Cornell’s orientation leaders to determine who could be ignored sooner by the campus’ newest residents.
“I’m honestly off to a great start,” commented NYU freshman Dave Nichols. “The day after I helped move my friend John into his new dorm, I texted him ‘Hey dude, how’s college life going?’ He responded three days later saying he was sorry he missed my text and that ‘things are good.’ He hasn’t been very active in the West High Theatre Discord chat recently either. I’m not sure he could have moved on faster.”
Orientation leaders reported similar levels of disengagement from freshmen who grew tired of O-week activities. After the first few rounds of Two Truths and A Lie, they experienced the same glazed eyes and short responses as their freshmens’ high school boyfriends did. With new students quickly building relationships with roommates, potential clubs, and sports teams, the question of who will last longer in freshmens’ lives hangs heavily in the minds of orientation leaders and hometown lovers alike.
Kaileigh Smith ‘23, an orientation leader, expressed confidence in her coming irrelevance. “Oh, I have a week in their lives left, two tops,” she admitted. “As soon as I take this name tag off they’ll wonder whether there was actually a ‘Y’ in my name, and it’s all downhill from there. I’ll send them a text next week asking how classes are going, and then we’ll awkwardly avoid eye contact when we pass each other on campus until I graduate.”
As of now, the question of who will persist in the lives of freshmen is unclear. High school friends around the country hang on the promise that they will “totally hang over Thanksgiving break,” while orientation leaders place their hopes on ClubFest and freshmens’ desire for old study guides.
GATES HALL—In a bizarre showing, one freshman barbarian insists on calling CS “Computer Science,” whatever that is.
“I’m getting absolutely blasted in my introductory computer science classes” lamented Mitchell Fawkes ‘23 to his bewildered friends. “I just do not understand how Matrix Laboratory works, and none of the other computer science majors seem to want to help me. They just stare at me with a blank look and ask if I’m in the right class.”
Some of Fawkes’s associates have decided that his eccentricity is just too much, and have cut contact with him entirely.
“Yeah, I couldn’t keep that going,” said Fawkes’s former girlfriend Mikaela Richmond ‘23. “I just started to feel like he was messing with me—like he was speaking his own language, and I wasn’t in on the joke. I finally ended it when he asked me how I was liking ‘Industrial and Labor Relations’. I’m in ILR. How hard is that? For a boyfriend to remember your major?”
At press time, Fawkes shared experiences of shunning, even from peer counselors, being asked to leave without consultation when enquiring about “Cornell Empathy, Assistance and Referral Services”.
CLARA DICKSON HALL—After having met so many people since arriving at college, Michelle Taylor ‘22 is reportedly dying to return to her hometown this Fall Break and tell her parents all about the new college friends who won’t be a part of her life in two months’ time.
“I’m so excited to tell them about exploring AppleFest with Jacob and Matthew, and that time I stayed up with Katherine and Julia, just talking all night,” said Taylor, who will no longer be spending time with any of those people by the next time she returns home. Taylor also said she also can’t wait wait to show her parents how her new friends already have an active GroupMe, which after January will only be used by Jacob, trying to sell tickets to his a cappella concert.
“It’s amazing how fast we’ve bonded!” Taylor plans to tell her parents, who will be so naive as to ask her for updates on those same friends during Thanksgiving dinner.
While Taylor is expected to lose touch with all of her current friends before next semester, she will still run into the boy she hooked up with once with during o-week every fucking day for the next four years.
The University just announced a sweeping change that allows male and female students to room together on West Campus, which means I will finally be able to make female friends.
The change comes after years of maintaining an archaic policy built upon the misguided preconception that boys and girls can only be enemies or lovers, and nothing in between.
After a multitude of unsuccessful attempts at building meaningful relationships with every girl I interact with in classes, dorms, and parties, I came to realize that the main reason no friendships were blossoming was because I couldn’t live with any of them.
Now, with the capability of sharing a living space with the opposite gender, I am positive that I can develop a sense of kinship with at least one, if not multiple, female peers.
And who knows, thanks to this policy change, someday I may even be living with a girlfriend.
RPCC – According to reports trickling in from North Campus residents, total loser Nicholas Sarpinsky ‘20 was seen eating his dinner at RPCC all by himself again.
“I’m tired of these lonely social sadsacks taking our table all for themselves,” said Sam Losey ‘20, a member of the Donlon 4 hallway group, who regularly patronize the dining hall with all their cool friends.
Some speculate that the lone diner was simply earlier than the people he was sure to be dining with, however, when Sarpinsky bussed his plates and left the meal at 6:30, having been joined by nobody in the intervening minutes, it was clear that he was just an absolute friendless nerd.
“These forlorn kids don’t have the social grace to sit down and chat during mealtime,” continued Losey, “Too bad there’s nothing we popular kids can do about it.”
Sources report that total losers like Sarpinsky have recently taken to reading or studying while eating despite the strictly communal nature of mealtime.